What do you think of my writing.....any suggestions?

Question

I wrote about a paragraph out of my fantasy story that I plan on writing for fun soon.Here it is.....


Karen Numasse proceeded cautiously down the dark, rather frightening, hallway that seemed to go on for an eternity. She would never have guessed that this was part of the same structure as the glorious Temple of the Light. Even the lower quarters of the white robes laid several stories above her. The stone floor was damp for some reason and Karen shivered as her foot stomped on something that squished under her weight, then shivered again simply because of the cold. She refrained from looking down at whatever it was she had trodden over, partly because of her fear that it may be yet another deceased rat and partly because she knew it would not have done any good. The corridors of the floors several stories beneath the ground level of the temple were very badly lit, and there were large gaps of darkness between the pools of light that surrounded the lanterns hanging on the walls. The servants often tried to skip their duties when they were ordered to light the lanterns this low in the temple as it was usually useless. Karen stared at every dwindling flame on every lantern that she passed fearing that it may go out any second. She could use Cal’Aldazar to light the hallway easily, but keeping the hallway lit for long would begin to drain her energy slowly, and the Father knew she needed all the energy that she could muster for this task. She scowled and gripped the note she clutched in her hand tighter as she stepped in yet another puddle, causing the hem of her dress to become even damper than before. Father of Light! She could have wept! No, she would not let her guard down; she needed every ounce of concentration she possessed to do this. Grinning slightly with relief as she entered a pool of light, she lifted up the letter that had brought her down here. Unfolding it and carefully smoothing it out, Karen read it yet again…..

excluding the parts that you have to have read the rest of the story to understand,was it interesting?What did you think of it?Any suggestions on how to make it better?Any input would be greatly appreciated

Answer 1

I really enjoyed this and want to read more!!



It sounds like an interesting story line..including adventure and mystery.



Your writting is good as well, nice descriptions without over doing it!!



All in all...I loved it!!

Well done and keep it up



Also if you wouldnt mind sending me some more of the story i would love to give you more imput

Answer 2

The choice of words are excellent this book (or Story) is magnificent! i mean the idea behind it all is wonderful it sounds like my favorite book Eragon, Some tips, if this is aimed at 13+ then the words are alright if aimed at adults The words aren't that advanced, but if aimed at children then the words are to Advanced, what I'm saying is be careful with the words you choose if you want it to fit the Right Audience

Answer 3

It was good. There were a few parts that i would change. It's a little too quiet. I need tension in a story to really capture my attention. it is very descriptive but give out too much information all at once, well, it's confusing. That's all i'd change.

Answer 4

Great! Unlike other story beginnings I have seen here on Yahoo! Answers, this is both engaging and well-written. It also seems very creative.

Answer 5

it's pretty good i'd say, but maybe just cut it down a little, it seems a little to descriptive for just walking down a hallway

Answer 6

it was really good! you were very discriptive, but not too much. it sounds like a good story. plus, you didnt use wimpy words and sentences. good job! : )