What do think of the beginning of my story?

Question

Trust me I know the grammer is a little messed up tell me where and I'll fix it. :)
Here it is:
It's called How He Changed My Life:
Chapter 1-How I met and made a complete, udder fool out of myself in front of him
I was on my summer vacation with my mom, Lilli and my step-dad, Jesse. I was running down the beach at the Mérida Ocean resort in Mexico. Boy is that a great place, a lot better than when we went to Australia and ‘hung out’ with the wild life… and the bugs.
Anyway, so I was jogging along my shoulder length blonde hair bouncing with my steps. My new shoes rubbed my feet raw. I ran along the water line swerving out when the water came too close. I stopped for a breath and saw a boy pass me.
From what I could see of him, he was cute, not just cute, but hot. I continued running, knowing it wouldn’t matter if I stopped him no one ever wants to go out with me. Sweat glistened on my forehead as the sun came fully out of the clouds. I raised my face up to the sky and took a deep breath.
I tripped. My foot stuck in a long wooden trunk that lay across the beach. My face smashed into the sand and clung to my teeth and lips. Ow. The pain, I thought. I pulled on my foot. I couldn’t get it out. Sand stuck to my face and neck. I turned my face to breath and shoved my body away from the sticky sand with my arms.
“You okay?” A voice came from behind me.
“Not really.” I answered.
“Let me help.” The voice said. I felt a tugging at my foot. I blushed. God. I felt the tight pressure on my foot release. I felt hands wrap around my arms, then helped me up.
“Thanks.” I said, brushing the sand off my yellow tank-top and grey shorts. I started to pick the sand out of my eyebrows and off my lips, but then I saw who it was. It was the boy. “Hi My names Ellie, Ellie Ashton.”
“I’m Cole Meyer.” He shook my hand. “So are you going to be all right?”
“Yeah, I think so. Oh, and thanks, again. Very helpful.”
“So, why are you here? I’m here on vacation with my mom and dad.”
“Me, too.”
“So, how long are you staying?” We walked down the beach casually talking.
“All summer, and you?”
“Same. We went to London last year.” The clock tower in the center of the Resort chimed for noon.
“Thanks for saving my life, but I got to go.”
“Nice meeting you.”
“You, too.” I waved goodbye and walked to the main building. I went through the door and the air conditioning gave me goose bumps. I went up to my room to take a shower.
After I got out of the shower, I blow-dried my hair and took a nap. Napping is not usually my thing, but I’m going to a bash in the square, for teens.
Before the party I got ready, applying mascara, lip-gloss, and eye shadow lightly, not trying to overdo it. I pulled on my brand new brown summer dress with black flats.
“What’s the occasion?” Lilli asked.
“Bash in the square. I need a necklace or a… bracelet. No, earrings. What do I do?” I begged.
“Here,” she unclipped her long silver necklaces and handed them to me. I put them on and looked in the full body mirror. I touched my neck and then spun around on my tippy-toes.
“Thanks mom.”
“You’re welcome Ellie.” She said.
So, in preparation I re-applied my lip-gloss and mascara. I smiled brightly in the mirror; my teeth were straight and white, straight from non-needed braces, white from strips and lasers. My mom had my teeth whitened a few times when I was fourteen and fifteen. I had modeled for teen clothes. My mom got obsessive and I quit.
My blonde hair hung in layers, flitting against my shoulder. The hazelnut highlights brought out my green-blue eyes. My tan was fading. Yes, I spent a lot of time in the sun, but that doesn’t mean it stays.
I left for the party. In the elevator I met up with my friend Brazil and Sheri. They complimented me, as I did them.
Sheri wore white pants and a dark navy long-sleeve shirt with a black oxford vest and black cowboy boots. Brazil wore a brown skirt with black tights, a dark brown lace tank-top and black flats that covered her toes. Her brown hair had blonde highlights and was twisted up in to a thick braided bun. Sheri’s sandy red hair was hanging down.
We arrived at the party. The bright lights flashing, the DJ’s music screaming loudly, the people dancing and chatting happily, and the food was prepared on a long white table.
Then I saw him. Cole. He stood in the middle of the dance floor looking lost. He smiled when he saw me, and then waved me over.
“Give me a second, okay?” I said to Brazil and Sheri. Then walked over to him.

Answer 1

Wow... That was REALLY good! :D



The description is really good too :)



"..my shoulder length blonde hair bouncing with my steps. My new shoes rubbed my feet raw. I ran along the water line swerving out when the water came too close..."



Thats my favourite sentence :D Really descriptive and it sounds really nice =]



Can you please please please please please PLEASE post another chapter or 2 :D (or send it to me, whatever suits =] )??? Please!!



Keep up the great work :) Oh, and well done =)



Orlaa 'xO





EDIT: You get a star for your amazing work :) x

Answer 2

People are always going to say "Start with a bang!" - and I'm going to tell you right now that it is not always necessary. If you think that you can pull of a vivid enough description of this house, you'll have your readers curious enough as it is. How you describe the house is up to you and your personal style, as many have probably already told you. You could start at a very small detail, and work your way up - your could start describing room by room. It all really depends on how you want it to begin. Experiment with it. Try writing it a few different ways and see which way that you like it best. If you think that the description is too boring, then perhaps you'd be better off describing the characters, some action, or even using dialogue. Happy writing.

Answer 3

Firstly, I'm loving the names Brazil and Sheri :)

It's pretty good - if I read that much of a book I'd want to keep going!! However, the setting seems a little too perfect - for people to identify with Ellie, you need to give her some realistic problems (sorry if I'm wrong and they come later in the book). I mean "nobody ever asks me out" and then she's described reeally pretty! And I'm not really liking the title, no offense.. Good job though, I like it!



Just a warning - I was on Yahoo Answers before and someone had asked a question a bit like yours - What do you think of my story? - or something like that. Someone's answer was that it sounded like a great first Chapter, and they were stealing it for their own book. I felt so sorry for that girl.. but there's nothing you can do if someone trys to steal your story, unless you have patented it (Google what a patent is if you don't know.) I just wanted to warn you about the amount of information you put about your story on the web :) x



I really hope that this helps!!

Answer 4

It's great! You don't have any wrong grammar, so don't worry.

By the way, I don't think you need any changes. It's really good!



I'll rate it 9.5 out of a scale of 10

Answer 5

Um, it's good, but try and make it not so "Anyways...", and give more detail. What's the plot? What's the climax? And check you're grammar. Wanna check mine?

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20091125

Answer 6

No, your grammer is fine, just you don't have to type so fast if you think so. Its really good, seriously.