Is my story spooky enough?

Question

This will hopefully be part of a longer novel aimed at children/teenagers. At this point the heroine has found out that her family was cursed in the 12th century, she's found the story as part of a thesis her father was writing before he died. I'm really looking for comments on whether it's spooky enough, too scary/disgusting? Any advice on historic details appreciated too!

A long time ago, not long after Gadlow castle was first built; strange things began to happen in the castle and the nearby village. The horses in the castle stables were found soaked in sweat every morning, as though they’d been ridden at a gallop all night. Then one morning the horses were found dead. All of them, from the Lord’s warhorse, to his youngest daughters pony.
A week later the castles herd of cattle disappeared. Some tried to argue that they’d been stolen, or wandered away. However, it had been raining the day before and the ground was still muddy. In the middle of the village common the earth had been churned up in a huge circle, like a giant muddy whirlpool, spiralling into the ground for many feet. The young man whose job it was to watch them confessed that he’d heard them running in the night, but had thought they had been spooked by something and left them to it. He was punished for his inattention. Many of the villagers began to mutter that the cows had dug themselves into the earth. Perhaps to escape whatever had been troubling the horses. Perhaps a witch.
They seemed to be proved right when the water in the castle well turned to blood and a child fetching water for her mother brought a cow’s skull up with the bucket.
Suspicion soon fell on Widow Baker, a hunch backed old woman living with her granddaughter on the edge of the village. They seemed very poor, living in a small cottage with barely any livestock to speak of, only an ancient cow, tiny hen and scrawny cat. Their strips of farmland were almost barren and poorly tended, and the other villagers often wondered how they lived. They rarely mixed with the other villagers, making only occasional trips to the market and buying only the smallest possible amounts of food.
Lord Gadlow listened to the accusations against Widow Baker and decided she was guilty. One night his soldiers went to the cottage and took her to the castle. She was tried and sentenced to be burned at the stake.
The next evening, as the sun was setting and the flames started to burn her ankles, her granddaughter appeared in the castle courtyard. No one had seen her arrive. Standing in front of the fire, she cursed the Gadlow family, declaring that in every generation, the heir to the castle would die in childhood. At her final word, the ground cracked underneath her feet and she and her grandmother disappeared. Some claimed they flew away together. Others that they fell into the ground. Whatever happened, the curse showed its effects quickly. The Lords eldest son, a boy of sixteen, was killed by falling masonry as the castle cracked apart around them. The tower shattered, becoming the blackened hunk of stone it is today.
After the castle was ruined, the family moved away, to another of Lord Gadlows castles in a far away part of the country. But the curse followed them everywhere and the family fell from being one of the most important and wealthy in the kingdom, to being of no consequence.

Answer 1

If you don't mind, I have a couple of revisions:



"Then one morning the horses were found dead." - I would suggest detailing the cause of their death. Was there any blood, wounds, or were they scared to death? Nothing to make the sentence particularly long, mind.



"like a giant muddy whirlpool" - You should consider removing this phrase. It's the only simile you have in the passage, and it disrupts the clinical, detached atmosphere. It breaks the tension, which is something you don't want. You could change it, but I don't have any suggestions off-hand.



"to being of no consequence" - change to "to being one of no consequence".



Other than those small nitpicks, I think your piece is excellent. Certainly spooky enough, and with the right amount of gore. ;)

Answer 2

Based on this as a prologue or as the back jacket teaser I would read it.



To be honest I would be much more interested in reading the story you have outlined here than about a girl with a curse on her family, that has been done so many times. Drop the thesis and the present day angle and expand the background explanation you have here into a full story!.......... I think the story of Gadlow castle is the real gem here!

Answer 3

This could be good but i wasn't hooked right away. Try going right into someone doing something. Maybe an elder can tell a story with all of this in it. It just seems like a lot of background and detail that's not exactly needed.

Answer 4

We went to a place have been the motor vehicle will roll up hill.on a flat.It did roll up hill approximately twenty feet on a flat place on the line,! we left, I observed a ole woman in the woods, it became into evening, triple relationship I heard myself say have been all going to be killed, became into passing a motor vehicle, then a motor vehicle head on! ow no, misplaced administration. i became into sixteen yrs old. went rolling 9 situations the policeman reported down Hill right into a lake, I wakened status up?? they instructed me I went under the water and have been given out 2 ladies who have been knocked out,and gave them mouth to mouth. i do no longer bear in suggestions it, actual tale, took years for me tocontinual returned on that street, in no way while returned to that place , the place automobiles roll up hill on a flat street,Greenville S.C.37 yrs in the past, sixty 5 ford fairlane,

Answer 5

I didn't find it scary but i'm sure people of a young age would!<3

Answer 6

youre story sounds spooky enough.

its not spooky enough to give kids nightmares,

but just right! great job. Can't wait to see this published.

Answer 7

its a good read, but not spooky.