Is this a good intro to a vampire love story?

Question

Its pretty quick, not edit just first draft. And it doesn't get into the vamp stuff yet, but yeeh here it isss:

Autum Bites.


I was shocked as I looked at my passport, gosh I wish I was more prepared, my dark brown hair was un brushed, my teeth arn't the whitest and my choice of clothes was a horrible match, I wore a red scarf, black tracky dacks with "67" written on them,as for shoes I wore boots that went up to the heal of my tanned feet, but the worst bit was because I'm in such of a rush to get to the pane I've FINALLY got on, I spilt coffe on my grey singlet. I'm on my to Australia, I wanted to get a break from America, I mean on top of all my Year 10 homework I have those terribly rude girls who sits around the back of my seat in Spanish class throwing spitballs at me non-stop, my Mum & Dad didn't like the fact that everyday I come home with bluetac or on rare occasions gum in my hair! So I told my parents that I wanted to start fresh and move to Australia, they are coming down here to, in two weeks though. We are all going to stay at my Grandparents house, I think they are so nice, my Grandad is great with fixing things, like say my moterbike and my Nanna is allways there for me when I want to talk girly type stuff, in other words......boys. I mean who knows? I might even just find the right guy for me at this new school I'm going to its called "Blackberry High" its small, nothing like the school I allways go to, I mean not often do I see teenagers go shopping for clothes, or going out for pedicures. Getting my hair done, shoping forclothes, pedicures, all things like that is not my type I'm sort of, well you couldn't say reble or tom-boy jut not girl-girl. I guess you could say I'm what I do best; being me, Faith New-heart!

Answer 1

First impressions:

I'm quite confused as to what tense you are using, so I'm sticking to past, because that's what you start with.

If your character is American, then stick to AMERICAN things - she sounds English.

I can't be bothered to pick out things, as I usually do; so here are my thoughts:



Honestly, it's terrible. You change tenses quite a bit, and you have no knowledge of how to use punctuation and grammar. Also, there's a spell-check on Yahoo!Answers - why not use it to help a little? The writing is choppy, nothing really flows well, and it sounds too conversational. As I have shown, the words you use do not sound American. 'Mum' should be 'mom'; 'Year ten' should be 'ninth grade' etc.

You need a lot of work on your skills; and don't use your age in a way that looks as though it's 'not your fault'. Also: "...if you actually saw the whole story the girl is actually a vampire" - how would we know? There is no indication whatsoever that she is a vampire, so saying that isn't going to help.

This is not original.

Go off, learn how to use grammar and punctuation, learn how to spell, and learn some new vocabulary, and then come back.

Answer 2

It seems alright, but here are a few tips that could help improve it:

- Stick to one tense, either present (eg. "I'm in the kitchen, eating my sandwich") or past (I went into the kitchen, and ate a sandwich).

- Be a little more descriptive; why is she going to Australia? Is she going to live with or visit someone there? Maybe you could say that she needed a break, and she's going to visit her penpal, so that they'll meet up for the first time, and the penpal can show her around. That way, the main character will already have a friend there.

- Like someone else said before, if she's supposed to be American, use American terms or slang. However, if you (the author) are from a different country, (I guess England?) then you can have her as an English girl. It's easier that way because you know the terms, slang, education system, residential areas, shops, etc.

- spelling and grammar. I'm also writing a novel (more for recreation) and I have my friend proof read it. Not boasting, but I'm normally quite good at grammar, but she tells me whenever she spots something wrong.

- Have a friend proof read. besides what I said above, they can also give you ideas for scenes or characters. Make sure it's a close friend who you know won't steal your story ideas or be really pessimistic about it, but they will be honest with you and tell you about what parts they think can be altered.



Hope I helped, and good luck! :)

Answer 3

Cut down on the description, have more forward action. Begin with or or more of the following elements:



1) Use compelling dialogue, action (or both) to make a statement that then raises questions in the reader's mind that will not be answered until much further in the story.



2) Set up a ticking clock, a short term goal the POV character has to complete or DIRE consequences will result.



3) Clearly state the POV character's immediate or overall story goal so we can root for them to succeed.

Answer 4

Your age shows in your grammar and vocabulary, be sure to write slower and re-read your current draft until it sounds right. After you think its right share it, and get comments.

As for the plot, this sounds exactly like the first few pages of twilight. I would know, I recently lost a bet on the Gamecock/Auburn game and I have to read them... again.

I would also recommend scraping this idea, with the current craze it would be wise to find a new genre because you'll never get heard amongst the writers rabble. But if you wait and work tediously you may make it in a good twenty years when the craze is long gone (I really hope so).

Answer 5

Well that starts with a pretty severe run on sentence so you really need to break it up. You also don't need the character's description at least not yet. I would also suggest staying away from 'gosh' unless you're using it in dialogue.



It's not bad but pretty wordy right now without much happening. Give it some action and the reader will become more involved. Good luck!

Answer 6

Sorry, no.

This is full of unneeded descriptions (no one needs to know how white a person's teeth are or what they wear, for example) and run-on sentences.



Example of a run-on sentence...



"I was shocked as I looked at my passport, gosh I wish I was more prepared, my dark brown hair was unbrushed, my teeth aren't' the whitest and my choice of clothes was a horrible match, I wore a red scarf, black tacky dack with a "67" written on them, as for shoes I wore..." - and it goes on.



There may be typos in there but the intro doesn't give readers room for imagination.



Most will not read a 'wall of text' either.



Suggest you read these short, fun and correct writing tutorials...



"Talk Less, Say More" http://fav.me/d24w8w8



"Creating Dynamic Characters" http://fav.me/d20el9z



"A Writer's Guide to Style" http://fav.me/d2cd6gt



They will help you get started more than I can here.

Good luck.

Answer 7

You have too many run-on sentences. It sounds like it was written to the style of a blathering teenage girl, which doesn't appeal to me at all in a book. If you want to draw people in, then you have to make the start of the story catch their attention. Saying that the narrator was "shocked" and "gosh I wish I was more prepared" doesn't come close. And if you insist on asking for anyone's opinion on here, PLEASE proofread before you post it. I don't care if you're editing or it's only a draft--you should at least some show consideration for prospective reviewers

Answer 8

Moving to a new place, emo girl who hates other girls who dislikes her. Smells like twilight. No offense.



On to the writing,



Terrible. Not to be harsh. Spelling, needs one hundred percent changes. First draft or not, it's pretty bad. The writing is something like an eleven year-old child's.

Answer 9

it reminds me of twilight, you know the whole moving to a new place, not being girl-girl thing...maybe a little more original?

Answer 10

It's fine

Answer 11

yes

Answer 12

vampire love story sounds like somthing i know. . .