Is this okay for describing the weather? thanks?

Question

The next day the sky was ashen with an unusually weak sun. The wind whistled triumphantly as trash cans clattered to the ground and a tornado of litter swirled up and down the deserted sidewalk. The branches of the trees swayed joyously and the leaves danced at the quiet rumble of the clouds.

Is this okay ? sorry for any bad grammar etc

Answer 1

It's great, don't listen to anyone who tells you that it is too many descriptions. The whole point is to paint a picture of the scene in the readers mind.



I do have some constructive criticism though. The first line sets a somewhat dark mood, and so does the rest (i even get the wind whistling triumphantly, as if it won a battle during a storm). However, when you say "the branches of the trees swayed joyously", it really doesn't fit the mood that you already set. (the leaves "dancing" also brings the thought of 'fun' things) I suggest you change it to



The branches of the trees swayed unsteadily and the leaves quivered at the quiet rumble of the thiunderclouds.





=)

Answer 2

You set a great scene - 'The next day the sky was ashen with an unusually weak sun.' That immediately conjures a dark, moody kind of atmosphere.



'The wind whistled triumphantly as trash cans clattered to the ground and a tornado of litter swirled up and down the deserted sidewalk.' That's great description on about the litter but triumphantly doesn't sit well. You've made the tone moody so a more violent description here would fit in much better.



'The branches of the trees swayed joyously and the leaves danced at the quiet rumble of the clouds.' Again, joyously doesn't fit in with the mood. Along with the 'unusually weak sun' I suddenly get an image of a deserted playground in winter (goodness knows why lol) while the opening gives me the image of a dark street with a shady character walking down it...



So, in my opinion, you paint a very vivid picture but have confused the mood. Remedy that and that is a very good paragraph. It is not over descriptive and will set the mood very well.



Good luck with it - hope that helped a little bit =) x

Answer 3

I just answered your other question! :D



Anyway! I really love your description! I can't actually think of anything else you could include. As for the grammar, it would be -



The next day, the sky was ashen with an unusually weak sun. The wind whistled triumphantly, as trash cans clattered to the ground, and a tornado of litter swirled up and down the deserted sidewalk. The branches of the trees swayed joyously, whilst the leaves danced at the quiet rumble of the clouds.



Hope I helped : )

Answer 4

I'm not sure of the mood you're trying to set. The wind and branches were triumphant and joyous, but the rest of the description is ashen, weak and deserted. If you're trying to set an upbeat mood, change the latter descriptors. But if you're setting a somber mood, get rid of triumphant, dancing, etc.



PS Don't be sorry about bad grammar. Learn what good grammar is and use it.

Answer 5

Will the whole story be written like this? It's not a bad descriptive work, just a little too much. too flowery, I guess. But if this is the way you write, then go on.

"The wind whistled triumphantly.." might sound betters like "The wind whistled wildly.." more of a action word then the first one.

Good luck and keep writing!

Answer 6

You use too many descriptions. Sometimes you can make this work but in this case you haven't.

And make sure you don't write too many scenes like this in your story because the reader will start to feel suffocated with descriptions D:

Answer 7

Beautiful. :) I love it.