Question:
Hello guys and girls! Please tell me what you think! Thanks!?
2011-07-02 10:43:58 UTC
New school, new faces, new surroundings. What did I ever do to deserve this? I was very much contented with my life in New York but because of a contract my dad signed, we needed to move to Florida. I make it sound so horrible don't I? Actually the thing is my dad was being promoted but in order to achieve his promotion, he needs to work in the main building in Florida. It's all happening so fast, I don't know what to do anymore. Three weeks ago, I was hanging out with my friends at the mall, now we are saying our goodbyes. The hardest person to say goodbye to is Matt. He and I were never involved but he's my first kiss. Actually, it was not what I pictured my first kiss to be like, when I told him I was moving, we stared at each other figuring out what to do with the move then he suddenly leaned in and kissed me. I actually like the feel of his lips on mine but there's just something really wrong like he's not the right person I'm supposed to share my first kiss with. I slapped him. Then he suddenly just confessed his love for me. I was so confused, I didn't know what to do. I don't feel the same way with him, I just experience some sort of deja vu whenever he's near, that's all. Sure he makes me smile and he sweeps me off my feet but my heart just doesn't belong to him. I gave the five of them a big hug then went with my parents. I took one last glance at them and let out a silent goodbye then I noticed that Matt wasn't already there, I gulped. The plane ride was wonderful, who knew business class could be that luxurious? I slept the entire ride and dreamt about a guy. I couldn't quite see his face but his voice was familiar. He told me that he was so happy that I was moving to Florida, he also said that he really missed me. Then he was about to give me a passionate hug but Mom woke me up tearing me away from that wonderful dream. I've never realized how excited I actually was to be in Florida. We were fetch by an old man probably an employee of Mr. Luv. I was very much surprised when I saw the ride, it was a lime green Porsche, it was totally my dream car! I admired all the wonderful sights of Florida then was absolutely captivated by our new house Mr. Luv built. It was by the beach and I saw that it had a pool directly facing the beach. It was a two storey house, I do have to admit the house was elegant.
"Here are the keys ma'am and just call me when there's a problem okay?" the man said with such a perfect smile.
"Keys? What for?" I asked.
"For the car of course! Mr. Luv wanted to give it to you."
"No way! No freaking way! Oh my gosh, please tell him that I absolutely loved it. Please give him my thanks!"
I was rainy about the car, I couldn't believe it was mine then we went inside the house and checked it out. I went upstairs and saw 3 doors with  names on it. One was parents' room, another was a guest room and lastly my room. When I opened it, I was stunned. It was vey beautiful! I decided to look at the view, it was very breath taking. Even at nighttime, the beach just manages to capture my heart. It's just so tranquil and peaceful. Then something caught my eye, I couldn't quite see very clearly but I think it was a guy I saw. It was a guy trying to get himself killed. Instinct took control of my body so I just ran downstairs and headed straight to the beach to talk some sense into that guy. I shouted words like "Come back!", "Wait!". But he doesn't listen, he just kept moving further. I finally reached him and my fingers accidentally brushed his shoulders, I felt a surge of heat, intensity, longing and desire washing over me. I stood still for a second trying to figure out what happened then when I looked up, he was suddenly gone, vanished into thin air like there was absolutely no one there just a while ago. I was so sure that there was a guy here, so sure that I touched him and so sure of the emotions I felt when it happened but maybe it could be my hallucinations talking. I know that I'm stressed out because of the travel and all, but he just felt so real. Anyways, I just went back to the house since there was already no one there, all I could hear is the roaring wind but it felt warm. I decided not to over think about the incident and let my mind rest. When I reached my room, I lay on the bed, I felt the ocean calling me towards it, then after a few seconds, I fell into a deep slumber.
Four answers:
2011-07-02 10:58:15 UTC
WHOA............... there's a lot of writing there, maybe it would have looked more presentable broken up into paragraphs! I don't really think it flowed there was a lot of cliches. way too many Is e.g I did this I did that I went there. This makes it very repetitive and not very exciting. Look for different ways to write it. Answer mine https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20110702101436AALJREI

Keep on writing, Charly x
andromache
2016-09-09 07:20:22 UTC
There are a couple of matters I do for amusement. I love to get on Yahoo! Answers and assess out the questions, I like to observe movies on Youtube and so much lately, I've began studying American Sign Language. Other than that, I as a rule study matters that curiosity me.
KPKonliner
2011-07-03 02:51:23 UTC
Paragraphs would be nice,to make it look more neat and pshycologically make people don't think it's complex.
mimi
2011-07-02 10:54:45 UTC
id say use paragraphs


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