anonymous
2009-07-30 07:31:55 UTC
Chapter 6
Devastation
Terra
I hyperventilated as I tried to understand this disaster that had washed over me. What was I suppose to do? What was the reaction that they expected from me? What was I suppose to think, say?
The sickly green room spun around me and I felt like I was going to pass out. In a distant land of reality I heard a voice. But I liked it in this world, this land. Where I could just faint, leave, be done, where I didn’t have to face this. I tried to stay in my own little world, but it didn’t work. A cold hand was placed on my upper arm, and shook me lightly.
“Terra? Terra? Are you okay? It’s going to be okay Terra” said the annoying voice. It brought me out of my shock and I stared into the face of the doctor. “We need to take some blood and more tests. We also need to ask you more questions, if all that is okay with you.” I couldn’t say anything. How did he expect me to say even one word, one thing to respond to what he just told me? I nodded absentmindedly, my eyes wide with fear for what was to come. I still didn’t fully understand what was going on. I said it over and over in my head. Those four little words sentenced me to my death. You have lung cancer…
Death…it seemed so far away so often…but now…it seemed too close, so close I could see it in the distance. I didn’t need a damn ballpark estimate from that doctor to know that death wasn’t far away. The look in his eyes and the hopelessness in his voice could easily be interpreted as ‘poor girl…’
And then there was the other matter of me being pregnant. That one was a little easier to understand. As the doctor walked out of the room, I grasped my stomach in a cradling way. I knew I would have to stop everything for the time being for this…baby. I could probably get an abortion, but it’s a lot of money. A lot of money that I don’t have. Or…I could keep up all my habits, and have a miscarriage…
All of these decisions and problems swirled around in my head as I tried to comprehend all of them at once. And so many questions…what was I going to say to Laura? To Helen? To Tom? He got me pregnant, it was his fault. He told me I wouldn’t get pregnant. He assured me of that.
Finally, the doctor returned with a bunch of papers and other things. “So Terra, I’m very sorry to be the one that has to give you this news. But we need to take some tests and things. You are one of the youngest girls ever recorded to have lung cancer we think.”
“How long have I been pregnant?” I asked him with a tearful voice. He looked surprised by this question.
“About two months. But really Terra, that’s the least of our concerns. The fetus will probably not make it anyway with your lifestyle.” He said this quickly, then seeing my devastated face, looked very taken aback by his careless response. I found tears streaming down my face. At last, my body and mind was taking it all in. The death that surrounded me, the sadness, the absolute reality…
They kept me at that Hell of a hospital for hours longer, and I could hear Helen demand to know what was going on, and demand to see me. I barely talked the entire time I was there, so they skipped the interview with me. I felt like there was a big lump in my throat, and it was all scratchy and dry. Like I had swallowed a handful of dirt. After nearly an hour they finally let Helen in to see me. She ran around into the room I was in, also a very sickly green, and stopped in her place when she saw the dread in my eyes, the helplessness etched into my face. She didn’t even say anything. She just sat down next to me on that stupid table and put her arm around me. I buried my face into her shoulder, and she cradled me head like a small child. And the tears spilled out. I could barely breathe, and I didn’t want to. It was better that way. I was going to die anyways, either from the ravaging of the cancer, Laura killing me for being a whore, or from my own mind turning on my body…either way, I was dead. The tears spilled out, soaking my whole face, and dampening Helen’s shirt. I felt soft tears coming down onto my head, and heard muffled sniffles above me. I immediately pulled my head away and looked up at Helen, who was crying softly, trying to hide it from me. She always said that the atmosphere controlled me and my own reactions, and even now, she was trying to keep me calm. “Helen…”
“Yeah Terra” It wasn’t a question. She was agreeing with me, which was kinda funny, because I wasn’t even sure what I was going to say. So instead I decided to just to say it right then and there.
“I have lung cancer” I said. All she did was nod, trying to hide her sadness. “And I’m pregnant” And she couldn’t hide the tears any more. She turned away from me, a fruitless attempt to spill the tears secretly, and sh