What do you think of my writing?

Question

Fairly plotless as far as this excerpt goes but it's from the first chapter of something I'm working on and I wanted some opinions on the writing itself. I'm 14, just so you know.


PREFACE

Suddenly, a man stepped out from the shadows of the forest, his long strides bringing him closer and closer.
“Hello, Kay,” he whispered, his lips pulling back into a frightening smile. “I believe you have something I want.”
Kay took a step back, confusion creasing her face. She strained her eyes to see through the dark, but all that could be seen was the strange man’s shadow. He continued to saunter forward with such grace that he appeared to be floating. Overhead, the clouds shifted and the moon’s light illuminated the world below it. He was tall, with wild eyes and dark ivory skin that shone in the dim light.
“Amri!” Kay gasped, stumbling backwards.
“Very good,” he smirked, but Kay was running before the words left his mouth.
“Come back here,” Amri commanded, and Kay felt herself being pulled backwards. She took a deep breath and dug her heals into the ground, concentrating hard and forcing herself to move forward. Her power was no match for his and soon she had been dragged to his feet.
“Face me,” he said, his voice velvety but harsh. His command was unnecessary, he was turning her himself, her steady feet digging a shallow hole in the ground.
“What are you doing here?” Kay spat, focusing her entire being into keeping her voice strong and steady.
“Me dear,” he hissed. “I have already told you. You posses something I desire, I am here to take it from you.”
Before Kay could respond or even thing, a blinding pain ripped through her body from the crown of her head to the tips of her toes. It felt like fire circulating through her veins, acid seeping into every pore of her body. She felt herself screaming but no noise left her mouth; all she could hear was the quiet laughter of Amri, as he finally got what her wanted.

***
Stretching, Kay slid off of her window seat and brushed a lock of strawberry-blonde hair out of her face. Her eyes flicked desperately about her spacious bedroom, looking for anything to occupy her, something to tidy or organize. Nothing. Her ceiling high bookshelf was packed to the bursting point with novels of various lengths and genres, but all the titles were perfectly dust free and alphabetized. Her magnificent four-poster bed was immaculate, not a pillow out of place. Even through the rain, her windows were perfect and streak free. Frustrated with the lack of entertainment her room provided, Kay stomped over to her closet and threw it open. This too, was neat and orderly, though there was no pattern of organization, so driven by her boredom, Kay ripped a few dresses off of their hangers and replaced them on different ones before slamming the doors shut again. Jealousy tickled at her stomach as she thought of Hazel and Peyton, who were sure to be sipping Chai and swapping book recommendations at a tucked away teashop some fifty streets south of her. Any other day Kay would have welcomed the rain that was desperately needed in the parched streets of New York, but today it seemed to taunt her as it splattered, drop after drop, onto the elegant windowpanes of her Upper East Side town house. She would have given almost anything to be nibbling on a scone with her friends or walking Pumpkin Seed in Central Park. As if reading her mind, Kay’s tiny Biewer scampered into the room, leash hanging from her mouth.
“Not now, Pumpkin,” Kay sighed, having to look away from her tiny friend’s expectant eyes as she scooped Pumpkin Seed up in her arms. “It’s raining now.” Pumpkin Seed began to squirm under Kay’s loose hold, anxious for fresh air. When Kay made no move to put her on her leash she stopped her struggle and began to whimper.
“I know,” Kay whispered, stroking the softest part of Pumpkin Seed’s golden brown ear. “I hate it too.” However, unlike the simple minded Pumpkin Seed, Kay hated more than just the rain, she hated the summer. To her, it was like one long sweltering and monotonous day that seemed to drag on with the speed of an unmotivated snail. School was something to depend on. It was the same routine day after day and that normality was something Kay cherished. Summer was 10 long weeks of no routine, no organization, and pointless activity. The situation was not helped by the fact that both Peyton and Hazel’s parents believed in real fresh air and that meant getting away from the exhaust and cigarette fumes of the city for five blissful weeks of the ‘great outdoors.’ The thought alone made Kay want to gag; Hazel and Peyton’s tales of wild animals and cabin life were not suited to the city born and raised girl that she was.
Thunder rumbled ominously in the distance, momentarily masking the humdrum drone of engines from the nearby streets. Pumpkin Seed squealed in surprise and leapt out of Kay’s lap, her paws slipping on the mahogany floors and she sped out of the room.


Sorry if it's long, but I'd love some feedback. Thanks!

Answer 1

I wouldn't post this without publishing it, cuz people can steal it.

Answer 2

You shouldn't toss in a description of the scene "Overhead, the clouds shifted and the moon’s light illuminated the world below it." in the middle of a dialog exchange, it's confusing and odd.



I couldn't read the whole thing - it's one long paragraph, too hard to read, you have to have what's called "white space." Also, you're doing what a lot of young people do, too many adjectives and description where it's not necessary. As you get older, you'll realize "less is more." You do not want a lot of adjectives in your prose, it's the sign of an amateur.



Stuff like "speed of an unmotivated snail." Is there such a thing as a "motivated" snail? "Speed of a snail" tells us all we need to know. Get rid of all the adjectives.

Answer 3

I didn't read the whole thing, but I read up to the *** and I think it's really good! And believe me, I'm not just saying that. I hand out pretty harsh criticism when it comes to stories on yahoo answers. I think you're an incredibly talented writer, especially at 14! (I'm 14 too!) :-D



I wish you could be in my English class...I feel like editing your stories would be a lot easier (and more fun) then the ridiculous excuses for essays that some of my classmates handed in.



Good job! Keep at it!



Answer please? :-D https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20080808144744AA7lWLc



Edit: In response to Nads M, adults tend to be a lot more experienced and skilled at writing, and that's what people mean when they say "good for a 14 year old". It's a compliment. It means that she'll be an even more amazing writer when she's older. Im 14 too but I'm not hostile like you....

Answer 4

Basically, it's well written, but where's the connection between the first part and the second part? The beginning is excellent. Lots of tension, nice and exciting, but after that all we get is rain and boredom! Try reading it into a tape recorder and then playing it back. You'll pick up a lot of, not necessarily mistakes, but places where the story can be improved. But well done. It shows lots of promise.

Good luck

Mike B.

Answer 5

'Kay, I'll admit, I only read the first section.

It's better than most 14-year-olds, I'd say. But it's missing something.. some of the sentences seem awkwardly phrased, as well as the dialogue. Could it be that you're trying too hard?

There are also a few spelling mistakes, but that's not too important.

Just keep practicing. (:

Answer 6

Sounds good, Are you on any writing sites? I joined a writing community called http://www.chapteread.com I think you might find it useful. They have great writing tools and posting features for getting critiques and reviews. It's really easy ! and The other writers give helpful advice. Worth checking out! I'd also like to read more of your work.

Answer 7

Holly Smokes!

Answer 8

Wow it is good.



Im 14 as well going on 15 actually i think it is great i myself am also working on a book it would be great if you can give me your input in it



i have it in my questions



if you like it you can email me at [e-mail]

Answer 9

wow this is amazing

ps:im 14 too and u go girl!





ok the ppl who say "good for a 14 year old" deserve to choke on everything they eat. 14 year olds ARE not half brained idiots were as capable as any adult!

Answer 10

ur really good. im fourteen too and would not be able to write like that.

i would read that book

Answer 11

Really good!