Will you tell me what you think of my writing?

Question

This is my third attempt at writing a haunted house story. There is one in my town, so it's hard to avoid it. I realize that there will probably be grammatical mistakes, but I would really appreciate your opinion on my writing:
Even the birds were silent. Not a dog barked. Or a cat meowed. And there were no children laughing as they played in the sweet summer sun. That was another thing Chloe noticed about this place, no children ever came outside to play. She still remembered how some people looked at her through their windows as she drove into town. Like she had just descended in a ship from outer-space. And still as she walked her dog down the street, whenever she glanced at any house there was someone, a small child, a frightened mother, or a suspicious elderly lady, looking through the window as if she were growing a fish tail.

And then there was the house. The ramshackle building in the heart of the neighborhood. The feeling of being watched was far more potent there. Even Chloe's curiosity didn't draw her in. If anything it kept her away, as far away as she could manage as she went by. Her dog picked up the pace when they passed by there, never stopping to investigate a signal scent. It was shrouded by dead bushes and trees. The grass was withered too. As if death emanated from its darkened windows.

Chloe fished her keys out of her purse as she reached the door of the police station. Once in she unclasped the leash from Excalibur's collar. He trotted happily into the next room and she hung her jacket on the coat hook.

"Hey boy!" She heard Logan greet Excalibur.
Before she turned to join them her eyes fell on the shifting shadow in the crack under the door. It looked as though someone was standing just outside. She sharply swung it open, but there was nothing there to greet her gaze. Chloe stepped out onto the side walk and looked around, yet still, nothing. Telling herself that it was the shadow of a tree, she turned and went back inside. She knew that was a lie. The sun had glared in her eyes when she had opened the door, there was no tree there to shade the entrance. Chloe was a detective, she wasn't that stupid.

Answer 1

Cool! Sure, it could have a bit more flow, but I would leave all that for later. You are building great atmosphere. Great pacing. You are getting right into the plot. You are getting Chloe's kid detective credentials out there, and you are getting the reader to want more. Thats what you need to worry about for now. Polishing comes later. I like Chloe's name. About the only thing I would maybe change is.... Chloe's curiosity wouldn't keep her from wanting to go into the scary house. Her common sense would do that. But her curiosity would make her wonder what lived in that shadowy old structure, and why all the children were so scared to come outside, even on one of the first nice days of Spring. I like the fish tail metaphor too. One thing; If you are worried about grammar, you don't usually start sentences with conjunctions like: And, But, Or, If, So. At least, not usually. Its no big deal, though.

Could read;

No dogs barked, no cat meowed, and no children laughed as they played in the summer sun. Even the birds were silent. Chloe noticed right away that no kids came outside to play in this place. When Chloe's family first drove into town, she got a lot of strange looks. People stared at her through their windows like she had just descended from outer space in a rocket ship. She still caught them looking at her when she walked her dog down the street. It seemed like any time she looked at a window she saw someone, an elderly lady, a mother, or a small child staring at her like she was sprouting a fish tail.



I am assuming Chloe didn't drive into town, but was in the car when a parent drove. That should be made a bit more clear or people will not know she is a kid.

@ DJ; Sorry, but thats possibly the weirdest rewrite I have ever read. First you say that there are fancy words in "her eyes fell on the shifting shadows in the crack under the door". What fancy words? Then you describe;

A little girl scaling a door while contemplating futility.

A police house with a door with hinges so rusted a little girl could break it down.

Logan and a dog exchanging a polite greeting...I don't even know what to think of that one, but it cracked me up!

Answer 2

It's good.

However, I have to offer a critique.



Not a dog barked. Or a cat meowed. And there were no children laughing as they played in the sweet summer sun.

Combine all of these. It's really choppy and doesn't read well.



no children ever came outside to play

This is pretty repetitive.



She still remembered how some people looked at her through their windows as she drove into town. Like she had just descended in a ship from outer-space

Again, choppy.



And still as she walked her dog down the street

The and sounds really strange here.



And then there was the house.

STOP starting sentences with "and." It doesn't sound good.





And then there was the house. The ramshackle building in the heart of the neighborhood.

Combine these two.



grass was withered too. As if death emanated from its darkened windows.

Either combine these two or make it "It was as if death emanated from its darkened windows."



I'm assuming that Excalibur is a police dog? Otherwise he has no place n the station.



Chloe was a detective, she wasn't that stupid.

That should be a semi-colon.



I hope I was at least of a little help! Happy writing. (:

Answer 3

It sounds like you are trying too hard. Relax. Now for the critiquing...



1. There is no lead in. If this is the introduction, then you should let the readers get to know the characters more. You kind of jumped in to this "already spinning" plot.



2. You give too big of a picture, and elegant descriptions to subdue the readers. ex: "Before she turned to join them her eyes fell on the shifting shadow in the crack under the door. It looked as though someone was standing just outside..." it sounds forced, and you use 'fancy' words to make it sound better, but its still noticeable. This is how I would have done it.



There was a unsettling feeling in the room. Logan was greeting Excalibur down the hall, and Chloe was by herself. She stared at a mahogany waxed door, its hinges were rusted and the frame holding it looked frail. She was sure she could break it down with ease. As she scaled the door, intrigued by its futility, she saw a shadow run across the crack on the bottom. Bewildered, she flung the door open to see who it was, finding nothing but a cold sweat and a mangled welcome mat. She went to join Excalibur and Logan.



3. You need a sense of fluidity. A flow with the words. Pick up a book and read a random paragraph, notice how the words effortlessly flow off your tongue. It helps to build suspense throughout the paragraph, rather than throughout the sentence.





But all in all, i like it. =) keep up the good work.

Answer 4

You seem to be writing really long sentences and then just splitting them up with periods. "Not a dog barked. Or a cat meowed. And there were no children laughing as they played in the sweet summer sun" sounds like you just wrote "Not a dog barked or a cat meowed and there were no children laughing as they played in the sweet summer sun" and thought it was too long. Here's a hint; don't do that. Form them as individual sentences. Grammatical rules for connecting clauses within a sentence can go to h3ll and burn there. Go with something that creates conflict and tension, like "Not a dog barked. Not a cat meowed. No children laughed as they played in the sweet summer sun."

Overall, your writing is better than that of a lot of my fellow seniors in high school. I can't really tell you what I think of the plot, or your ideas in general, because there's not much here yet, but it's an OK beginning. You seem to be trying to build up tension, which is good. I would suggest working on your word choice; use longer, more complicated and mysterious-sounding words. Right now, you use a lot of short, common words that detract from the atmosphere.

Answer 5

I liked it and definitely would like to hear more. However, like all the other people who commented, that first part was a bit too long. With all honesty, I really dislike the "or a cat meowed" something about that bothered me ALOT. Other than that, it was good. Oh wait the last sentence. Re write it. Like maybe, "Chloe's detective instincts were set ablaze. She wouldn't fall for this trap."

Answer 6

It's very engaging! I like it. The one thing that I would recommend is to think through the names a bit, in my opinion Chloe doesn't really fit with the story.