Is this excerpt from my book any good?

Question

I was dreaming, I had to be. I didn't know this place, I couldn't even remember how I got here, let alone where I was.
A cool wind blew my long blonde hair backfrom my face, and somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled. Shivering from the sudden cold, I wrapped my arms around myself, and took in my surroundings.
I was standing alone in a forest clearing. A small lily pond was but a few steps away. The grass was cool against my bare feet as I stepped closer to it.
Kneeling before the gentley rippling water, I gazed down quietly at the reflection of the night sky that rested on it's surface. Reaching out my hand, I slowly trailed my fingers through the water. Tiny silver fish moved quickly away. I nearly fell in when a wolf howled from nearby.
Fear tightened in the pit of my stomache as I realised just how close the howling animal really was. Standing in one jerky movement, I spun in a slow circle as I searched along the forest's edge. Nothing moved that I could see in it's hidden depths, and it was eerily quiet. Nothing stirred beyond the clearing, as I struggled to see into the darkness.
The sound of my heart rang loudly in my ears, and I struggled to control my breathing. A branch snapped and I spun around in an effort to catch sight of whatever had made the sound.
Hysteria crouched at the edge of my mind, and panic made my heart beat even faster as I finally saw it. A magnificint white wolf stood before me. It's beauty alone had me catching what little breath I had in a gasp of wonder. But it was the wolf's eyes that held me in place, and the voice that appeared in my mind that had me stepping forward.
It was a soft voice, a musical voice, a voice that made me trust it instinctively, it was a woman's voice. She spoke in a tone that a mother would use to soothe a frightened child. She spoke within my mind, and I listened in awe.
"Do not fear me little Alayna." She soothed my chaotic nerves as she spoke,"A time is coming that you must be strong. Many hardships you will have to face, and many choices will be made. Not all will survive this hard time."She sighed,"Destiny awaits you my child. Your path begins now. Farewell little Alayna, we will speak again."
Her voice faded from my mind, and the wolf with it. I was once more alone in the forest clearing. It was no longer silent, the sounds of the forest stirred again.
"Alayna Sparks!" The sound of someone angrily calling my name had me jerking awake. I opened my eyes to see Mrs. Lee glaring at me with her hands on her hips."Am I boring you Miss Sparks?!" she snapped.

Answer 1

This seems like a pretty strong start. I would cut down some of the exposition, though. See if you can convey Alayna's initial disorientation with fewer words. It could probably be half as long and still have the same effect.



Furthermore, try not to say things twice. By time you write, "She soothed my chaotic nerves as she spoke," you've already told us multiple times that Alayna is frightened. Perhaps, you could write, "Her voice soothed me." This is just an example of word economy that could help the pacing of your narrative.



Finally, in the last paragraph, you might want to tell the reader where Alayna is waking up. I assume it is a classroom, but you don't say. Maybe that was going to be in your next paragraph.



Good luck with the story. I'd read it.

Answer 2

It's now not extraordinarily written, simply now not some thing I'd learn. You did have a few mistaken grammar (it will have to be "TOO wealthy, TOO lucky...") and a entire lot of your sentences began with "Chloe ___________". A bit repetitive. Also, the tale is best for if you are simply writing it for a laugh, but when you are making plans on getting it released you will have to realize that now not everyone on the planet is aware of who Miley Cyrus and Hayden Paniterre are. I realize Miley Cyrus, however, regardless of being a 17-12 months-historic lady, I realize not anything approximately Hayden Paniterre rather than that she's popular. I do not know if she's an actress or a singer, what she did to turn out to be popular, what she appears like, and so on. You're going to ought to tone down the fame-isms so as to arrive a broader viewers.

Answer 3

I like it. Very descriptive and not over the top. I like the name too, I've never heard that name before. From the excerpt you wrote it sounds like a new and interesting story. It would help if you described the wolf's eyes. Maybe you should also describe the teachers voice, like a shrill or raspy voice. Good luck with your book and I wish you the best!

Answer 4

Wow this is really great. You have an excellent choice of words here and I think it makes it so magical and great :). Good luck, and keep writing :)



read mine?

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20091205161416AAWBr3w

Answer 5

Wow! That's really good, I'm jealous, I caan't write to save my life. I really like how you put us readers in the book it's like we were standing their with her as she looked in to the water. It was amazing. I really want to read the book when your finished, you should email it to me when your done. But to answer your question, yeah ! It's really good :)