How can I improve my story begining?

Question

Any critique please (:
And just by reading this passage, what can you guess about the characters, ect?
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“The hospital is practically your new home!”
Or so my asinine, poor excuse of a father says. He doesn’t care for his kids, which makes me wonder why he even had us. But because of this ‘neglect’ I’ve been playing role as a caring parent for my ill, slowly dying brother, Landon.
“I can’t stand the smell of the hospital.”
I’m not stupid, so I can see right through that excuse of his like its crystal. He says it’s the scent of rubbing alcohol and sick people he can’t stand but he has had a nasty cold these past few weeks, so the only thing that weasel can smell is his upper lip.
“Brandy, you shouldn’t be worrying about me,” Landon wheezes, and it’s all I can do to not look at him, I don’t want to. I’m scared that if I look into his dull brown orbs, identical to mine, I’ll go to pieces. Landon has this rare and quite new disease called, “TC12”. The disease eats away at your cells, until it has consumed all of you. Even if it kills you it stays there until not a single bone is left. That’s why it kills me to even shoot him a look sometimes, ‘cause I know he is in pain- slow, unbearable pain.
“I know, Landon,” I advise him. Seconds (or maybe minutes) pass until I start to babble, “You know dad- he just, urg! And mom! Neither of them cares about you or me-”
Landon’s weak but lively laugh interrupts me and I glare at him, I start to open my mouth but he speaks, “I know Brandy, I know. They frustrate me too,” and he only continues laughing, something I can’t figure out. For a brief moment I purse my lips out of anger, but then burst into laughter with him. There’s a knock on the door and he puts his serious face on while simultaneously clearing his throat, “Come in.”
“Hello Landon,” a young nurse with tomato red hair slips in. She nods at me and smiles, “Miss Bianchi, may I talk to you outside for a moment?”
I search Landon’s face for approval and he grins; a signal it’s okay for me to go, “Sure,” I answer.
The tomato nurse easily shuts the door behind me and I can tell there’s about to be bad news, “Hit me with it,” I grumbled.
“Well, I talked to Landon about this already, but were left with three options left for him,” she frantically glances around, twiddling her chewed up pen between her fingers, “We can’t have him die in this hospital, you know that. The disease will spread seeing it will need a new host. Option one is to send him to the government labs for testing and various experiments. Option two is to buy a medication that is still in testing that will make his own cells reproduce faster to slow down the TC12, but it costs around a quarter million dollars,” she gasps for air after blabbing out that mouthful, “and finally we have option three; he can go back home, and die, but please realize it’s a health hazard to you, your family, and your neighbors.”
There are problems with all three of those. Even people with the IQ of a piece of yarn know that sending someone to government labs is like a purchasing a ticket for their death, and you don’t make any profit. Option number two is out of the question because my family doesn’t have that kind of money, and even if we did my mom wouldn’t give up shopping money for her eldest son of twenty-two years. As for option number three- there’s no way I’m letting him die like that, I love him too much. He acted like the real parent for me all of these years.
“Can I sleep on it?” I ask.
“Sure.” She says, and I can hear the sympathy in her voice. It’s something I’ve heard many times before, ranging from teachers to telemarketers.
I slowly open the door to room E21, the one that belongs to Landon. He’s passed out, and it isn’t a surprise, he’s practically rotting. I tip toe over to the side of his bed and him a weak smile.
“See you Landon.”
Taking my final strides I exit the horrifying hospital, inhaling the fresh air of the world around me like it’s a drug. I close my eyes and bask in the warm sun for a still moment, but I know it has to end soon; I know I have to make a life changing decision for my brother and the clock is ticking, which means if I take too long to make a choice he may expire while I do so.

Answer 1

I like the storyline, with the new disease and all. At the beginning, you said she was thinking back about what her dad said, so maybe you could make it clearer by saying, "Landon wheezes and it snaps me back to the present". I think this one little line change is all it would take. You've done a great job of telling us all about the relationships in her family and the kind of people they are. Your opening made me want to read more & see where it goes! Best wishes on your story!

Answer 2

This sounds very good and sad. I just got a little confused as to who was saying what and who the characters were. It's also a bit rushed. Try slowing it down a bit. Other than that I would keep reading if there was more :)

Answer 3

It's rather well writing, compelling and fascinating and descriptive, however you have got alot of grammar and punctuation errors. " I noticed her strolling via the college doorways, watching for me. I held my palms open so she would hug me. She regarded sick once more; her unusual blue-inexperienced-gray eyes had been stupid, and her faded white dermis regarded nearly obvious. But her lengthy auburn hair was once putting down beyond her shoulders as ordinary. Sapphire Taylor was once her title. I had met her 2 years in the past while she had joined the college: she was once my fine pal now, and my just one aswell- when you consider that nobody desired to hang around with the boy from the orphanage and nobody desired to hang around with the woman who frolicked with the boy from the orphanage. Within a couple of seconds of her strolling via the doorways, she was once in my palms, hugging me like there was once no day after today, seeking to get hot. I noticed a few of the men watching at me with jealousy, when you consider that even though they did not wish to hang around together with her, they nonetheless proposal she was once sizzling." I corrected the grammar. You could wish to get anyone to do the leisure of your tale, aswell. :) Good success with it