Can someone please help me with my short story?

Question

This is what I've written so far. Before you read it, I know it's similar to Twilight but that's why I want your advice to stear it away from Twilight. I don't want to write more than 3pages. I'm not even trying to publish this; it's just simply a small exercise for me so I really don't care if it resembles Twilight since it's my challenge to stear it away from it but still have the same mood. I don't really know how to carry on the plot either since I don't want it too Twilighty but I just want it to have the same sorrowful and heart wrenching mood of a Gothic Romance but don't really know how to carry on the plot. Any sensible advice would be most welcomed!

I tripped over a branch, oblivious to the menacing darkness. I scrambled deeper into the forest, searching frantically for the meadow.
It had to be here. It was here last time. I was here.
I scrambled over a large log, cutting my leg on my way up. The warm blood trickled down my leg, the pain throbbing though my body, numbing the expanding hole inside me.
But it didn’t matter. None of it did. Only he mattered.
I still couldn’t say his name out loud. Every time I did the hole would come back. And the never ending darkness which always followed. I clutched my arms around my stomach, almost as though I was holding myself together, stopping myself form falling apart mentally.
I reached the meadow in a blunder of tears. I didn’t know where I was going and time no longer made sense. I walked forwards into the central clearing, hoping to see his marble like figure. The perfect contours of his ivory face smiling my favourite crooked grin.
But I couldn’t see him. I tried to call him but my throat had gone dry in my blind panic.
The trees circling the round, symmetrical meadow started calling his name for me.
Lei, Lei. It’s Mai.
The comical sound of their voices in my head made me laugh. Not a happy laugh, but a cold and empty laugh. I laughed while tears of hysteria cascaded down my cheek.
He’s not here, he’s not here I repeated to myself. I felt the panic wash over me, pulling my under. I couldn’t breathe. The hole was back and it was wrenching my heart open. Nothing mattered anymore. I wanted to die. I wanted the bitter cold to take me with it.
I collapsed to the forest floor, all the feeling gone from my legs. I rolled onto my side, the damp smell of the bracken seeping through my clothes.
My tears saturated my hair, making it cling to my face. The pain was unbearable and I was still clutching myself, willing my heart not to break in pieces.
But then I heard a voice. That beautiful, crystal voice calling my name.
Mai, Mai. Wake up. I’m here. I could feel the ground shaking, his voice getting louder. I looked up and saw his perfect ivory face smiling at me like he’d never been away, his auburn hair shining in the moonlight. He was getting louder still; the ground was starting to quiver uncontrollably. He reached out to touch me, his slender fingers extended and-
“Mai! MAI!” I shot my head off the plastic desk, hitting it on the window’s handle right above me. I clutched my head in agony and looked dazzlingly around the classroom. Everyone had turned to me and they were gabbling rapidly in their high-pitched Mandarin. My friend, Kimi, looked up at me, her long dark hair hiding her distressed face.
“I’m sorry, Mai. You were imagining him again. I had to wake you up,” she whispered. I was thinking of something intelligible to answer with but my head was still throbbing painfully.
Mr. Bolin was now fully conscious of the disruption at the back of his classroom.
“Is there a problem, Miss Yin?” he queried, looking over the brim of his glasses.
“Erm…well…”, started Kimi, not sure how to explain yet another of my dreams, “I think Mai hit her head on the window…” she trailed off uncertainly.
“Perhaps you would like to take Miss Tsang to the school nurse?” He sighed.
It sounded like a good idea to escape so I jumped up but soon regretted it, my head now spinning uncontrollably. Kimi steadied me and we walked down the row of curious students. Once outside the door, I was interrogated as we walked.
“What happened?”
“When?” I answered sleepily.
“Don’t try to avoid the questions, Mai. You were dreaming about him again weren’t you?’ Kimi accused.
“Yes,” I reluctantly muttered. She stopped me in the middle of the empty corridor and clutched my shoulders, almost as though she was shaking me awake.
“He’s not here Mai. He’s not here and he’s not coming back. You know what-“
“He’s not dead!” I screamed. She was making the hole come back and I couldn’t bear it anymore. I pulled her arms off me, tears starting to stream down my face. “He said he’d come back and he will!” I started to walk towards the school exit, down the long corridor but Kimi soon caught up with me.
“Look, Mai. I know you’ve be

Answer 1

The only thing that makes it like Twilight is the way you describe the empty feeling. If you change that, then is should be fine. And the story is really interesting

Answer 2

Have you read any Gothic novels aside from Twilight? Do some research into this genre and answers will come.

In Gothic novels the place and setting is vital. Be it a house, forest etc. This place almost takes on a life of its own.

If you like tragic novels read Wuthering Heights. It has a mixture of doomed love, tragedy, cruelty and at the same time, intense hope.

I was so bowled over by this book that I spent many late nights mulling over the thoughts and feelings Bronte described.

There is also a 1997 movie, which is good, although Cathy, the main female character was not strong enough.

Answer 3

wooow, i love your style of writing, personally i think it is better than meyers. just dimolish the whole crooked smile thing, the auburn hair, marble finger, clumsiness of the main character and the hole inside her. its really good though!



https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20081207095045AAqK0Nk

Answer 4

The trouble is this is your thoughts and story, for someone else to give advice will be different to your true ending!