Could you give me some feedback on the opening of my screenplay?

Question

Would really appreciate your opinion/reaction to it or any advice. Thanks a lot. Hope you like it.

*Copyright 2011

"He who conquers himself has won a great victory than he who conquers a city."
-Proverbs

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS — DAY

Dawn approaches. Los Anegeles skyscrapers and vast city landscape are sillohuetted in darkness. Sky is slightly illuminated with a dark blue glow and the sun teeters on the horizon.

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS — DAY

Near Sunset and Gale, expensive vehicles glisten in light of the sunrise on a neighborhood street lined with tall palm trees.

EXT. RODEO DRIVE — DAY

Fancy boutiques have not yet opened. An attractive woman in exercise clothes walks her white maltese past the Beverly Wilshire Hotel.

EXT. MAGAZINE STAND — DAY

A man on Sunset Boulevard restocks his magazine stand, ready for the onslaught of a new day.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS — DAY

The sun rises quickly behind the city skyline. As the morning sky brightens the city awakens with increased activity. Streets bustle with traffic and pedestrians populate the metropolitan jungle.

EXT. MAGAZINE STAND — DAY

It is now a hot afternoon and customers peruse the magazine stand. Someone picks up a copy of TIME magazine.

On the cover, a silhouetted figure steps out of a black limousine and onto a red carpet with lightbulbs flashing. The headline reads: "A New Hollywood Star?"

EXT. - SUNSET BOULEVARD — DAY

A black limosuine crawls through traffic. Behind the wheel, Henry Krickle, age 27, hides behind black sunglasses with a smirk that highlights his handsome features.

EXT. - MAGAZINE STAND — DAY

The TIME magazine lies flat on the counter.

A business woman pulls out her wallet to pay. Others wait in line behind her.

EXT. - SUNSET BOULEVARD. — DAY

Street pavement flows by like a river next to the spinning wheels of Henry's limo until he pulls away, heading west on Sunset Boulevard towards Bel Aire.

INT. - LIMO — DAY

A photo of Henry in Afghanistan with his squad is taped on his dash.

Henry, dressed in black suit and tie, takes the last drag of his cigarette and a swig from his silver flask. His NAVIGATOR announces the last turn.

NAVIGATOR
Destination on the right in point three miles.

Answer 1

Where to start ... where to start ... Well, let's just begin at the beginning:



- You don't copyright a screenplay, you register it through the Writer's Guild of America, West. You've already presented yourself as a rank amateur, and your screenplay is hovering over the recycle bin.



"He who conquers himself has won a great victory than he who conquers a city." is incorrect; change the word "great" to "greater." Also, this is "Proverbs," this is >>>A<<< proverb.



The ENTIRE beginning - from "EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS" to "INT. - LIMO" is a MONTAGE. It does NOTHING to forward the story and can be completely omitted.



You introduce the character with his name in all caps the first time he makes an appearance in the screenplay.



You need to rework the ENTIRE thing.

Answer 2

this is a author wannabe who has no theory what to install writing so she posts a question on "Yahoo! strategies" inquiring for recommendations with looking ideas. She gets a reaction suggesting that she write a pair of wannabe author who suffers from author's block and the author posts a question on "Google strategies." She gets a reaction there suggesting that she write "MSNBC" for help. She seeks help from MSNBC, who shows she attitude Fox counsel. She innovations Fox and is often recommended to bypass bounce off the Golden Gate Bridge, which the wannabe author does. Her relatives individuals sues Fox, Fox sues MSNBC, MSNBC sues Google, Google sues Yahoo! and Yahoo! sues the ineffective author. sounds like no person is satisfied at this 3 hundred and sixty 5 days's Christmas social gathering.

Answer 3

It's great and all, I just hope there will be more excitement later on.

Answer 4

*yawn*