Question:
How do you like this? A short exert. Actually I have no clue how to spell it, should it be excerpt? :P?
Little Miss Wolf <3
2009-05-03 17:46:25 UTC
From my story. It's like... a vision. Good?

Suddenly, everything was moving very fast. Everything around her was a blur, the trees, the ferns, the ground underfoot. It was strange, she felt shorter. The dirt beneath her feet was much closer than it had ever seemed to be, and she didn’t rise to as great of a height on the trees. Maybe they were just bigger in this part of the forest. That could make sense, right? But at this moment, she really couldn’t tell what made sense and what didn’t, she just knew that she had to run. Her stomach rumbled, urging her onwards. She could smell better than she ever had before, and she smelled it up ahead, she could smell it’s fear, it’s desperate battle against her speed to escape. But it knew that she was approaching quickly, and that soon it’s battle would be lost. Kalii’s mouth started to moisten at the thought, and she urged her feet onwards.
Then, she saw it.
It stood a few feet ahead of her, brown eyes huge, ears flickering nervously. It’s legs were long and lean, and it was covered in light brown fur. A deer, she knew. She had never seen one before, yet she suddenly knew what it was. She let out a feral sounding snarl, which seemed to echo again and again throughout the forest. But that didn’t make sense either. Forest’s didn’t create echoes. She swiveled her head to the side, wondering where the snarl had come from. What she saw shocked her. Next to her stood a giant black wolf, it’s fangs bared, eyes alight with passion. She turned her head to the right, and saw another wolf, this one grey. She should have been scared, but she wasn’t. For some reason, this felt right. The way it was supposed to be. Snarling even more ferociously than either of her feral brethren, she leapt at the deer, snapping her jaws in a sudden rage. The hit their target, teeth sinking into the warm skin of the animal’s neck, and pulling free vigorously. Brown hair soaked in blood fell to the ground slowly, like leaves. Blood spurted out of the deer’s throat as it let out a cry, and began to run again. But her teammates were upon it, slashing with tooth and claw at the helpless creature’s legs and haunches. Blood on her lips, Kalii leapt again, hungry for more. The bloodlust crashed over her like a wave, and she snapped her teeth shut on the deer’s side, tearing off as much skin as she could manage, feeling the warm, fresh blood pour from it’s wounds and surround her mouth, making her face feel strange and sticky.
Then the deer began to fall, crying out a second time as it did so, crashing to the forest floor with a dull thud. Kalii snarled at the other two wolves, telling them to back off. They bent their heads and tails and did so, respectively waiting for her to eat her fill before they took any for themselves. Still crazed from the hunt, Kalii loped up to the dead creature, and grabbed a large piece of it’s insides with her teeth. It was soft, not too chewy, and tasted better than anything that had ever touched her tongue before. Feeling strong, powerful, and slightly crazed with pleasure, she tipped her blood-soaked face to the sky, light from the stars and the moon dancing upon her back, filtered in through the many leaves. Blinking at the gorgeous sky above, she opened her lips and let out a long, beautiful howl, before falling to the ground.
Then, all was dark.

Ummm kalli's a person and she's having a vision and she doesn't realize she's a wolf :P ha. And no, it's not a story about some girl who has visions. This is probably the only vision she'll ever have =/

It's part of my story... good writing or no? Was I too descriptive? I tend to have a problem with that :P
26 answers:
thisgirl
2009-05-03 22:00:14 UTC
I liked it. Very descriptive and entertaining. I did notice that you use 'was' and 'were' a few too many times which causes your beautiful story to go into passive voice. Work on that and it will be even greater!



Thanks for answering mine! Anyone else?

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20090503213724AAHlSsK
2009-05-03 18:18:38 UTC
it was great

it was descriptive and even tho it was really long

i wanted to read more.



Keep writing, you get better with experience and you are really really good. I bet you get A's on your classroom assignments.
Memory. ♥
2009-05-03 17:58:26 UTC
That was actually good & interesting. Nice job. :]
felecia
2009-05-03 19:54:46 UTC
Wow! This story is REALLY good! I would deff. read it if it became a book! Its just really good!
Tyler
2009-05-03 19:53:12 UTC
i am reading it now and so far i like it



keep it up
Homicidal Ferret
2009-05-03 19:22:34 UTC
That's an amazing story. The detail is astonishing! I am 14 myself and i hope i can write that good. Also if you ask me there is no such thing as being TO descriptive, the more the better.
simpsonsfan#1
2009-05-03 19:16:22 UTC
You are GOOD. I feel like an amateur compared to you. I've written several short stories, but none with the power of that. How did you hone your craft? What made you better? If you can message me, I want to know. I write as a hobby, but I want to get better at it. Maybe you can help ;)
loka
2009-05-03 18:51:01 UTC
You're my age and you're making me feel dumb. lol. I LOVE it!! How do you write like THAT?!! You've got a very rich vocabulary! Wow.... Keep writing, and get this book published ASAP!! Watch me be, like the first person that buys it lol.

btw, Thanks for answering my question ;)
2009-05-03 18:09:59 UTC
omg that was! i liked it now i wonder what is going to happen. are you going to write more? yes? maybe? you should get it published or something cause it's good.
Tacos!
2009-05-03 17:55:02 UTC
i liked it, i could fall into the story which is what i read for.
Syd-the-ney
2009-05-03 22:04:23 UTC
You're very talented. I'm 13, and writing two novels at the time as well, and as far as I can tell, you're an awesome writer. You probably need to mention that Kalii is a wolf in the vision, though; I was confused for a moment or two. But I don't think you are being too descriptive at all. It's good to be able to invision what the author is trying to explain. Excellent wording, as well.



But I think it would be best not to post what you're writing for the world to see. Something that good can be easily stolen. I would caution you to not post any further displays of your gift on the Internet, my fellow writer, where someone can copy it and take credit as if it were their own. Ask friends and family for advice and support--I'm sure you'll get it.



Wonderfully written. Keep up the good work and don't stop sharing your talent!
?
2016-04-08 10:50:42 UTC
I think it's very good. :) Just needs a bit more details with it. It seems to go too quickly, in my opinion. Overall, I think it's very nice. But I do have a few things to say. -"She felt herself get pulled underwater; after only several seconds, her lungs began to burn." <--I'm not entirely sure I like all the wording here. I think it's because I want to see another word in there somewhere. "After only a few seconds, her lungs began to burn." The "only several" throws me off a bit. It seems contradictory. Maybe that's just me reading it, but I don't feel like it goes together as smoothly as it should. I honestly don't think you even need the "only". -"One breath." <--I love the power behind this small sentence. It's very short, but very nice. I almost want to see it in italics to make it stand out more... (But chances are, it won't look as awesome as I think it would. XD) -"As soon as she opens her mouth" <--tense alert! You have past up till now. Then, you use "opens" as a present tense. Be mindful of that. Also, with the way the sentence is going, I think it would be better with "If she opened her mouth" because you mention how the water "would flood" her. Meaning, she hasn't done it yet. Meaning that if she did open her mouth, she would have water in it. Meaning it's not certain, it hasn't happened, it's an "if" possibility and not a certainty. (If that makes sense there) -I'm seeing a couple "desperate" in here. Either the word itself or a form of it. I think it might be a bit much. Maybe, maybe not. Is there a way you could substitute one of them for something else? -When you end it as she is saved and is unconcious, it seems to end too quickly. I don't feel it has enough details going on. One breath of water and she's gone? It seems like it passes by so fast. I think it would have taken a bit longer for her to be knocked out. (I've been close to drowing once before and it was a bit more than one breath of water I had underwater.) Anyways, I very much enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing it. ^_^
2009-05-04 09:00:01 UTC
You are a very good writer for your age. I like how descriptive you are. I think that is very important when writing a story like this, especially since it is a vision. We need to be able to visualize what she is seeing. It is a good story and you need to keep writing. The more you do it the better it will be. Good luck!
Love
2009-05-04 16:08:59 UTC
Okay, I'll admit it. You are good. But I don't like it.



Your story bore me. I found myself skimming through parts to see if anything interesting happened.



Human-Wolves? Drinking blood? What does that remind me of?



"She could smell better than she ever had before, and she smelled it up ahead, she could smell it’s fear, it’s desperate battle against her speed to escape"



You say that she could smell beter than ever before, and she 'smelled it up ahead'. Smelled what up ahead? Fear? Blood?



How about something like this:



"Her sense of smell was accelerating by the minute. Her nostrils flaring, she turned her body toward the smell. She could smell it’s fear, it’s desperate battle against her speed to escape"



Just an idea.



And no, there is no such thing as too descriptive. Nice work on that.



Just don't rush things to much.
``♥Bєllє η ♥``
2009-05-03 20:23:53 UTC
OMG that was intense! ....do NOT get rid of the details!..it may have been long but i still loved it!! it had, like better descriptions than any other story..wow!! for a 14 year old you sure are a great writer!! ..waay better than me! i'm your fan now!!..lol WOW....you know, if i were to rate it, i'd give it a 10/10...or 100%...yepp!! ^_^
?
2009-05-03 20:14:19 UTC
This is really good! I think your book is going to be really good, is there a way I could read it? And yes, it should be excerpt. Wolves are awesome :)
chaichai8 :)
2009-05-03 18:29:53 UTC
Cool that sounds like a story I'd really enjoy reading :-)
Molly
2009-05-03 20:21:02 UTC
wow that was really good :) DONT add dialoge, that would be so fake and weird. but i think if its a story about a girl having visions, u should give her more than one, especially if they are that good :)
A/lie
2009-05-04 16:09:57 UTC
Whoa! Awesome, dude!
LUvabLE nErd
2009-05-03 23:27:00 UTC
OMG, ii luvd it! u cud b stephanie meyer. ii luv descriptive, it paints a better picture in my head. ii wud totally read that book
Kristi M
2009-05-03 19:56:10 UTC
aww really good let me know when you are finished i cant believe you are just 14 you are very talented!
?
2009-05-03 19:14:52 UTC
Pretty good, but add some dialogue... I'm not completely satisfied...
2009-05-03 18:28:41 UTC
i like it. i wud so read it. good job kiddo :P keep writin ur gr8
0_o
2009-05-03 20:15:15 UTC
ITS AWESOME! its as if you're the main character! keep on writing!
2009-05-03 21:50:17 UTC
This is a very well written exerpt? idk either lol, but yeah i fell into the story and I couldn't stop reading it.
2009-05-03 20:13:27 UTC
"The hit their target" small mistake


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