Will I get published---here's the first few pages of my book?

Question

I've started shotgun mailing literary agents. I'm sending them copies of my manuscript and praying that I'll get a deal. Here are the opening lines of my work. Will I get a deal?

HERE IT IS:

The only woman in this entire town whom I can relate to, is a mannequin who stands in the window of the boutique on the corner of Madison St. and West Avenue. In moments of dead seriousness, I have contemplated asking her to join me for a cup of coffee, but I don’t think that the shop’s manager, Mr. Petrocelli, would be at all amused by my antics. Besides, she most likely prefers gourmet French roasts with double shots of espresso, an extravagance which I could hardly afford for the two of us this afternoon. I have taken the liberty to name her Alicia Star, a name that suits her avant-garde haughtier and the sad, pensive stare of her skyward gaze. Ms. Star is tragically misplaced on this dreary street corner, her pale visage wed with hope and sorrow. A silken wave of raven black hair drapes the side of her face like a shroud.
I have a sense that Alicia despises the mundane drudge of city life as much as I do. But the storefront modeling gig pays well. It is but one, final inconvenience she must endure before she resigns from this onerous vigil over a murky college town street. The phone by her bed stand (an antiquated, rotary dial phone) waits patiently for the inevitable call from Don Collinsworth, the Hollywood agent whose eye she caught on a trip last summer to Santa Cruz. It is a fiercely kept secret between us that, on that day, she intends to resign without the slightest grace: knocking the clothes racks to the floor, giving the Italian shopkeeper a crude parting gesture, and cramming a gold bead necklace into her purse. A brazen Ms. Star will storm out the front door, turning her back on Madison Street once and for all, the crescendo of her high heels rising in pace with the beating of her heart until, at last, she rests her tired soul in the luster and the lights of Sunset Strip.
A blaring street siren rouses me from my absurd daydream and, as I glance up, amidst the morning fog, the clanging pot of a street urchin jolts me back into the dull sterility of my urban existence. This is my real life: traversing lonely streets, gazing inside vacant shop windows of places that will soon be closing for business, gazing inside crowded cafes, inhaling the rich, toxic fumes of a city bus as it rattles slowly down the street, parting my lips to greet a beautiful stranger just in time for her wayward glance to evade me, passing cold, uptight women in business suits and proud, well dressed men with briefcases and coiffed hair, drifting…drifting..drifting…into the obscure isolation of graduate student life at Redsfield College.

Answer 1

I would love to read the rest of it :) I love the beginning, its catchy, intelligent with some philosophical humor which makes me wanna read more.

I am a huge fan of John Irving, Kurt Vonnegut, Jonathan Carroll and Truman Capote. All of them has got the great ability to catch your attention from the very first sentences and you also caught me with the very first paragraph.

I wish to know what this book will be about and hope the rest is as good as the beginning.

Is the a chance to read it before you publish it? I would appreciate if I could get hold of it...maybe few more pages to see how it goes...? I am a major fan of literature so this would be a real treat for me :)

Its not often to come by some good unpublished stuff.

Anyway, I wish you all the best. :)

Answer 2

After first reading this extract, I thought you seemed like a mature person. However, after seeing how you take constructive criticism, my opinion is quickly changing. Never insult others for offering their opinions. If you don't agree with them, thank them for taking the time to type out a response and then discount what they said -- don't stoop so low as to swear at them. I'm afraid that attitude is exactly the kind that will stop you getting published. A mature and polite approach is needed when asking others to give their time over to reading your work.



The comma in the first sentence IS in the wrong place. It should be: 'The only woman in this entire town whom I can relate to is a mannequin who stands in the window of the boutique on the corner of Madison St. and West Avenue.' The 'to whom I can relate' vs. the 'whom I can relate to' is more of a style issue, as opposed to a grammatical one -- both are correct so which one you choose depends on the effect you want to create.



The final sentence of the excerpt is incredibly long -- at least 80 words. Combined with the long, complex sentences that you use throughout the excerpt, it makes the piece seem elegant, but rather monotonous also, to read. Break up that repetitious effect of long sentences by introducing a few shorter, simpler sentences into the mix. They keep the reader awake and engaged, whereas lots of complex sentences tend to confuse readers and lull them to sleep.



I hope this helps you.



EDIT: Even if someone 'picks a fight' with you, don't rise to the bait. Be better than that. I think Roderick didn't read any further, not because he was insulting you, but because it isn't a genre that interests him -- it happens.

Answer 3

$20 for eighty pages appears to be asking slightly so much. I offered my Lulu-certain (no longer released) books for $20 every to peers and loved ones, and it used to be close to six hundred pages. Even so, I used to be hesitant to lead them to pay such a lot. $20 is a reasonable bit of cash, in the end. Fiddle round with Lulu's choices. Try distinctive web page sizes, for instance. I used US exchange, however there are different choices that would honestly finally end up slightly less expensive for you. Good good fortune :)

Answer 4

Shane -



I wouldn't insult people who don't like you're writing. They could turn out to be an assassin, or from the mafia, or the daughter of the king of Mauritania. And then - boom! You're dead. All because you insulted someone on yahoo answers. Now *that* would make a story.



Anyway, I like it. I tripped over a few of the descriptions, but otherwise it was great. It was interesting, fresh, almost effortlessly witty, and with the unmistakable mark of someone with a talented writing style. However, I'm not a publisher and I don't know what they're looking for now. All I can do is wish you luck - and warn you to be nicer to the publishing company then to your critics.

Answer 5

A misplaced comma can be the difference between you getting published or not, especially if it's an easy mistake. So don't start name-calling. You don't even have paragraphs. Don't give me the excuse that Yahoo doesn't allow that, because you could either have pressed the Enter button or started it on a new line. You have no chance of getting published *yet* if this is how you write. It's, quite honestly, bad.



Edit: LOL. No one is ever going to publish you with your attitude. Good luck, though, because you damn well need it! Haha!

Answer 6

If this is your first effort odds are no, this will not be picked up by an agent. But keep trying, publishing is one of those things you truly have to "fail forward" to succeed.

Answer 7

Never know what they might be looking for.



My eyes tripped on the comma in the first sentence, trying to figure out whether it was intentionally misplaced. That sort of set the tone for the first paragraph. I didn't read much further, this is not really my genre. Sorry.

Answer 8

''The only woman in this entire town TO whom I can relate.'' That was the only thing that I spotted in this piece that doesn't meet MY stringent requirements for decent writing, and it's merely my preference for saying 'to whom'.



Well done. This piece is mature and well thought out.

I can't say what a publisher will make of it, but I wish you luck.