is this a good first chapter? i am not finished becuz it's a long book, and this is not the complete first?

Question

chapter. i am 11 so plz be Honest but not hurtfully, and plz correct me as well!
The house was small and seemed like it had no space for another family to live in. The house was white and blue at the edging. The porch was little and cracked. The steps to the house were wood and one of them was broken, so you had to jump it. The door made of wood was poorly painted white; you could still see it from a distance. The house yard was filled with dirt and there was little grass that was barely green. It looked like a rundown ghost house. It was probably too ugly and scary for even a dead soul to go in; the way the house blocks the sun and makes a blue sky look bad on a spring day in May gives it more of a scare. My mom stared at the blue sky that didn’t look blue at all. She gripped the steering wheel; her blue gentle eyes looked lost. Her wavy blonde hair ran with the wind trying to escape from something. I couldn’t think of anything to do expect open the car door. With a swift motion I opened the car door. Mom finally snapped out of her trance and watched me get out. “Tori” she said, she lunged for but I was already out. “Mom open the trunk” I said. Mom eyes stared at the house. She loosened her grip on the steering wheel. With one quiet move, she opened the trunk door with a click. I grabbed my brown purple polka-dotted duffle bag and put it over my right shoulder. I grabbed my 2 red suitcases and my yellow duffel bag. I put my yellow duffel on the top of the red suitcase where the puller stood in front of it. I grab the puller of both suitcases and marched toward the house. The wind blew hard and pushed back. My shirt that said: “I love St. Louis” was pushed back and let cold air in. My flair jeans let a shiver sneak up my leg and crawl all the way to my stomach. I was going to give up especially now. No wind can stop me. St. Louis Missouri was all that was left of a home to me; anyways there would’t be any other type of home because my mom lost her job as an artist and now was trying to become an author. I looked back and saw my mom still in the car. The day we moved was tragic. I lost my father, Roger. He died of cancer, I am not sure what type, and I was only a baby when it happened. My mom would cry at night. Our houses were connected when we lived in Baltimore Maryland, so our neighbors Mr. and Mrs. Clarke could hears at times even thought they were elderly. At night mom would cry for her Roger, her would sink in pain and she couldn’t stop. It was loud, painful, and annoying. Mr. and Mrs. Clarke knew my mom was widowed but knew the crying had to stop. They called the real estate agent and told them it had to stop. It was a breezy, beautiful May morning, the day we got the phone call, my birthday. I was turning 6. My mom bought a cake and invited everyone to come. Then when my mom finished put on her blue flowered knee- dress on that hung freely, and doing her hair in curls and putting her feet in the whitest shoes she heard the phone ring. It was the real estate agent. He said we had to leave because we were disturbing the peace. My mom quickly hung up and went crazy. She hit the earth with a loud stomp; she jumped up and down screaming curse words and kicking the air like there was someone there. Luckily I was upstairs dreaming about a surprise party that was going to happen the minute I wake up. My mom walked up the stairs to where I was having a wonderful dream. She came in my room and woke me up with me soft pat. With that I was up from my gentle sleep. She said that we would soon get to a place with all the love in the world a girl like me could every need. I reached for and she picked me up. She picked me up and put me in a place of hate and pain. My mom detested most things like the windy that made her hair whip her furiously. The rain that hit the earth. The fresh dew after the rain. She hated so many things that why we had to move 10 years straight. But now we had no more money and this was it. My mom wouldn’t and can’t hold me back because this is it. I finally made it to the house. It walked up the steps and jumped the broken one with all my might. The poorly painted door was attached to a bronze cobweb that had an appeal to cobwebs. I looked back and saw my mom blue sleeve reach for the car door. My mom detested most things but detested so much that she was filled with fear. Why did she hate this place so much? I rang the doorbell that had I brown substance on it. I quickly wiped my hands on my jeans removing the substance. A woman that had tan skin. Long, healthy, strong brunette hair. Nice clean pretty long finger nails painted white. A white dress that hugged her perfect curves and made slim and beautiful. Her white teeth that shined like it had a whole world to light. She looked like an angel with all that beauty and white on. Why would a beautiful woman like her live in this ugly ghost house? “Hello, how may I help you?” she aske

Answer 1

First, you must know that I have all the respect for you in the world as an aspiring author, so try not to take the following comments offensively.



There were spelling errors, and grammar errors. Your sentences lacked general appeal, they were boring and simple. Subject Verb Subject Verb, kind of sentences. Your descriptions could also use some "dressing up". For example, "The house, which was white, had blue edging" or "The white house was edged in baby blue" or "The house was white and peeling; trimmed in medium blue." As you can see there are tons of ways to craft a sentence and many places for specific or vivid adjectives and verbs. I was having a little trouble following so maybe so general clarification would be helpful. May I suggest combining some of your sentences also. Although you have very few run-ons there are a couple of fragments and the whole effect is very abrupt. So perhaps,"I walked up the dilapidated steps, avoiding a broken one, and onto the small, cracking porch."



Also, when starting dialogue skip down a line every time the speaker changes (except on special occasions). Although many people have commented on the paragraphs, or lack thereof, I am guessing you want to be corrected on the writing, not the format. However if you ever want it published it is definitely something to think about.



Remember none of this was ever meant to discourage or hurt. I want nothing more than to help and be helpful. You have great potential I can tell. I recommend taking a Creative Writing Class if one is available, I am and you will not regret it. If you want me to correct or rearrange the entire thing I would be delighted. If that is what you want then you can e-mail it to me and then I will send it back to you, if not have fun creating your story.

Answer 2

You must learn to space it correctly. For every line of dialouge, have there be a space between it and the next line of dialogue or paragraph.



""The house was small and seemed like it had no space for another family to live in. The house was white and blue at the edging. The porch was little and cracked. The steps to the house were wood and one of them was broken, so you had to jump it. The door made of wood was poorly painted white; you could still see it from a distance. The house yard was filled with dirt and there was little grass that was barely green. It looked like a rundown ghost house. It was probably too ugly and scary for even a dead soul to go in; the way the house blocks the sun and makes a blue sky look bad on a spring day in May gives it more of a scare.""



You didn't describe the house very seamlessly. What I mean by that is it doesn't flow correctly. When reading, you should be able to read through it without having to abruptly stop because of a short sentence or poor word choice. I'll show you an example with the first three lines of the beginning.



""The small, white house (I stood eying with suspicion?) seemed to have no space left for another family. It's (adj.faded?) blue edging and cracked porch...""



I think before you can ask for some serious grammar and spelling checking, plus an actual opinion on the plot, you should write this over again with a better flow and correct spacing. Unfortunately, I almost never read stories that aren't formatted correctly. It just annoys me. So I didn't read this entire thing. Just the first few lines and I just told you the main things you should fix before moving on. I'd be glad to edit after that.



Good luck!

Answer 3

It depends on the book. I read War and Peace in about five days. Brave New World took me about 3 1/2 hours. I averaged about 3 days for each of the Harry Potter books. When I was a kid, I read through the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica set in the summer between fifth and sixth grade.

Answer 4

Okay first your descriptions don't have to go on and on about the exact same thing and I would suggest that you not go into exactly what happened like with her father dieing and stuff put that in later. You need to catch the readers attention. Try adding some pizazz to your writing. Sentences need to be much longer and as other people said brake that chapter into paragraphs because it makes it hard to follow. You drawl too much. Try getting to the point faster instead of going on and on about one thing. Hope this helps you with your chapter!

Answer 5

Make sure you to indent your paragraphs. It's very difficult to read and honestly, I only read the first few lines before giving up. Be careful with grammar usage and also spelling mistakes; there are numerous throughout that I came across as I scrolled down. Your descriptions need work. Don't TELL me something, SHOW me something. Don't give up writing though.

Answer 6

I'm sorry, but I couldn't finish it. You need to hook the reader with the opening line, and use more complex sentences. Your sentences are short, and it is difficult for more advanced readers to follow. Also, you have a lot of grammar mistakes, but those can be fixed. I didn't really understand where you were going with the story; I just couldn't follow along. I hope my advice will help you edit.

Answer 7

Gosh, that was difficult to read.



That aside, your grammar needs work. Your writing itself needs work. It was not superb, to say the least. It's very 'normal', quite dull and nothing special. In some places you were too descriptive [as when you just had to tell what color everything is].

There are multiple grammatical errors. There are multiple sentence fragments, along with some run-on sentences.

Answer 8

My advice to you is to break it up into paragraphs. It is quite difficult to read. Also, work on grammar; it isn't horrible, but it could use to some work.