Question:
what do you think of my introduction? please!?
anonymous
2010-01-05 13:17:44 UTC
screamed as blood splattered all over my face. The sword came out of the back of the person’s body ,blood dripping. The body fell back on top of me while I was still screaming.
I quickly pushed it off me and tried to stand up. But something hit me hard on my stomach. I cried out in pain.
I looked up and saw a…

“Faith? Faith… Faith!”
I woke with a jolt.
“Are you alright?”
I looked around. The room was pure white and the only thing that stood out was a tall green plant in the corner of the room. Where am I?
“Faith? You away?” I followed the voice and there sitting beside my bed was a pale, brown haired woman.
I tried to move my arms but a sharp pain hit me. I groaned.
“Oh, you shouldn’t move much. You haven’t fully recovered.”
I looked at her quizzingly.
“Yeah, I have a lot to explain. But I’ll wait till you’re a bit better and more at home here”, Home?! Here!?, “I’m Alexis and I’m going to be your mentor. Welcome come to Saint Guardians School, A school for people with special abbilities."
Nine answers:
_jack_
2010-01-05 16:35:36 UTC
It's alright, though not publishable. I'm going to continue by assuming you do intend to be a published writer. I would also assume that this isn't a draught, but your finished intro? M'kay, so...



Your first problem, like many others, is that you're telling us what happens rather than showing us. At the moment, you're kind of reciting a story, as if it were some memory.. this isn't a good thing. It builds a vague 2D image in our minds, and we can't picture clearly or feel anything. Instead, you should be creating a vivid image.



Take a look at this;



"The body fell back on top of me while I was still screaming"



You're telling me this. I want to feel it. I would change this to;



"The body strained my chest as it fell on me. Still I screamed, as blood trickled across me."



O_o



Break the story down in to snipets. For every point something changes, it's a snipet. Describe what has changed, through the feeling of your character.



Anyway, a few further points. The first thing she would acknowledge would be the woman waking her up. Perhaps you should describe the woman first, and then explain that as the girls vision clears she sees the plant pot?



Pure white is just white. It's best to leave it at that. If you wanted to emphasise that the room was empty, or that the entirety of the room is white, perhaps you should rephrase this sentence to note how bare the room is.



Apart from that, I think you have a good imagination, and I'm fairly certain you could keep going and enhance your skills incredibly. At the moment it's just a matter of practising writing.



Now, you may have read through my answer thinking 'well everyone else liked it'. Yes, I'm genuinly sure that they do. However, I'm pointing out what needs to change before this piece can be considered publishable. The people who like it don't represent the thousands who could potentially read this, and the point I've made are based on what publishers think the average reader would prefer.





Anywho, best wishes =)
?
2010-01-06 15:37:56 UTC
You missed a bit at the beginning I think. I also think you have gone into the gory bit of the dream too soon because there is no build up to it. Also you should explain why she is where she is or at least what has happened to her because you leave the reader in limbo when you should be taking them with you. e.g. After she tried to move her arm and groaned with pain you could put that she remembered her illness or accident or whatever caused her to be where she is.

Should "you away" be "you okay?" also after "I looked at her quizzingly" (Is quizzingly OK?) insert something like "and she added" because it seems as though Faith is saying the next line. I don't understand the two questions at the end "Home? Here?" If these are the thoughts of Faith then indicate that but at the moment it is rather confusing.

Having said that I do like the idea and you have a certain style and some good simple description which sets the scene well: "the only thing that stood out was the tall green plant in the corner" delete 'of the room' as you have already used the word room in the same sentence.

Keep writing because it is an interesting start and I for one would like to know a bit more. Good luck with it.
anonymous
2010-01-05 21:55:13 UTC
Quizzingly?



Faith faith faith .... blah blah blah ....



Like all teenagers, you use three words where just one is sufficient:



"I screamed as blood splattered my face. I watched a bloody swordblade emrge from a persons back (huh?). The body fell back, and landed on top of me. Screaming, I pushed it off. I tried to stand. Something hit me hard. I cried out in pain. I looked up and saw .."



“Faith?”

I awoke.

“Are you alright?”

I looked around. i was in a white, sparsely furnished room. Where was I?

“Faith? You away?(huh? "Are you here? " seems less dorky)”

A pale, brown haired woman was standing beside the bed..

I tried to move, but a sharp pain hit me. I groaned.

“Oh, you shouldn’t move much. You haven’t fully recovered.”

I looked at her.

“Yes. I will explain. But I’ll wait 'til you’re a bit better, and more at home here”.

Home?! Here?

“I’m Alexis and I’m going to be your mentor. Welcome come to Saint Guardians (Saint Guardian???that is a really lame name; do you know anything about why someplaces are called "Saint [whatever]"???) School for People with Special Abbilities."



Better, just say,



I was brought to Siants and Guardians School when I without my consent and with no knowledge.



You could say I was kidnapped after I fell out of my boyfriend's jeep while I was drunk out of my mind on tequila and tripping on LSD. I had a broken arm.



A woman who called herself Alexis told me that SGS was a "school for people with special abbilities."
Beautiful Nightmare
2010-01-05 21:23:46 UTC
I can't help thinking you missed a bit out at the very beginning. :o)



But yes, I think it is okay, a bit more description needed here and there but I think it is interesting!
claudia(:
2010-01-05 21:33:32 UTC
It's interesting but there's just a few grammatical and spelling errors to fix up.

Good luck

x
Potato within =)
2010-01-08 12:31:17 UTC
Sounds interesting! =) i'd love to read more. You obviously have a good imagination and it shows. Well done and keep up the good work.
Jaidee
2010-01-05 22:08:56 UTC
sounds good, I like it...in fact I was going to sort of do something along that idea...but you have a couple typos :-(



I like it a lot, it gets me interested.



answer mine?

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20100105140557AAxgNmK
?
2010-01-05 21:23:29 UTC
very impressive, you are very creative minded...you have the potential



good job so far
Crystal H
2010-01-05 22:25:47 UTC
that's really good...have you written more then the introduction? i would seriously read that...good luck!


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