Is this good? Author's opinion? Constructive Criticism?

Question

Chapter Two: Nymphs in Hawaii
Brooke heard waves crashing against the shoreline as she woke. She sat up quickly with a jolt and looked around. Palm trees swayed in the wind. She wondered where she was and how she had gotten there.
“Brian?” She called out.
There was no answer. She looked over and saw Brian was on top of a cliff sitting with a girl. Slowly, she walked toward them. After hiding under about a million tropical plants and trees she reached them, carefully not making a sound.
“The real reason I brought you here was to tell you something about your past...” Brian said.
“What do you mean? I thought you brought me up here so we could catch up.” The girl asked, suddenly sounding worried.
Now that she was closer, Brooke could see that the girl was dark skinned, like a Native American’s.
“I- I know. Dyna, your parents, they adopted you when someone left you on their doorstep fourteen years ago.” Brian explained.
“So? What does that have to do with anything? My real parents abandoned me. End of story.” The girl named Dyna replied.
Brian sat still for a while, then took a breath and said, “They didn’t want to. They had to.”
“‘They had to,’” Dyna mimicked. “How do you know that?” She spat.
Brooke could tell that the girl seemed to really hate her biological parents. She couldn’t blame her. She herself had many times when she questioned about the kind of people who gave up their children to an orphanage.
An awkward silence settled over them for a moment. As Brooke shuffled in the bushes, she made a bit of noise. Before they got a chance to get a glimpse of her, she recovered her lost balance and was camouflaged by leaves yet again. The two seemed to discard the sound, thinking it was their imagination. She felt as though it was a flashback to yesterday when he was talking about her parents leaving her to her adoptive mother. So far, everyone that she had met in the past twenty-four hours had been adopted. She wondered if Brian had done this often. He seemed calm enough. She heard them start to talk again after the short silence so she saved her thoughts for later.
“Because your dad is Zeus and your mother was a nymph.” Brian said with a quiver. He seemed not to want to tell her this, but he probably felt that he had to.
“That’s not funny Brian!” She stated with power and frustration in her voice.
As she stood up to leave, the wind started to blow and swish around Dyna. The sunlight was drained from the sky, responding to her emotions.
“What’s going on?” Dyna said with confusion.
Brooke could only hear part of what Brian and Dyna’s conversation over the wind. She made out that Brian said, “If --- would calm down---weather-------better.”
The rapid breezes slowly calmed down. The clouds withdrew and let sunlight pour onto the beach. Brooke decided that it would be a good time to give away her hiding spot to talk to her brother and his friend.
“You okay Brooke?” Brian said concerned.
“Yeah...” Brooke said, slightly in a daze. She seemed to shake it off and continue, “Blimey Brian! Who is she?” Brooke asked curiously.
He laughed and the mood lightened drastically. Dyna seemed tired. As she was about to fall, Brian caught her.
“Thanks...” She mumbled as she tried to stand up.
“That was your first time using your powers. You haven’t even tapped into any of your nymph abilities.” Brian said.
“Powers?” Dyna said.
“Wait. What powers do I have?” Brooke asked.
“Brooke, your the daughter of two nymphs, a nereid and a satyr. However, you inherited our mother’s genes and are not a satyr. As for you Dyna, you have both the powers of a demigod and a dryad, also known as forest nymphs.” Brian said.
Dyna looked down then went over to Brian and said, “I’m sorry- this is just too much.” She tried to turn around to leave but he stopped her.
Brian spun her to face him and said, “If you leave you will be killed. I can’t let that happen to you.”
“Dyna, I know what you’re going through. He took me yesterday. Listen, I don’t think we have a choice.” Brooke stated nervously.
Dyna looked around. Seeing that she had no escape she said, “Okay. One condition.”
“And what would that condition be?” Brian asked.
“Introduce me to my dad.” Dyna said.
“Eh, here’s the problem with that...” Brian started to say.
“If you don’t, I won’t go with you.” Dyna said forcefully.
“Another question,” Brooke said before Brian could answer Dyna, “I thought nymphs were trees or something.”
Gladly escaping from Dyna’s glaring eyes, Brian said, “Well a nereid is- well- a nymph in the form of a mermaid. Our dad,” Brian said quickly after seeing Brooke’s worried face, “since he was a satyr, you and I can work with nature. You know, tell it to do things through music and things like that.”
“What?! I’m pretty sure I’m not a mermaid if you haven’t noticed!” Brooke screamed at him.

Answer 1

At the moment, you look to have an interesting idea for the story, Tori. With a little editing, this could be a very good read.



You get straight to the point in your writing, but that means the narrative lacks some depth to it; for example, you mention that Brooke makes her way through 'a million tropical plants and trees', but in my mind's eye, I don't see the lushness of the area, I don't hear any of the sounds I might associate with a tropical place (besides the crash of waves), I don't feel any humidity or the coolness of the wind. In short, the excerpt lacks sensory description, which means I can't immerse myself in the world you're writing about. I think pacing is the issue here; you move through the story at such a pace that description gets pushed to one side. There's a time for little description and a fast pace: action scenes. This isn't an action scene -- it's a moment of revelation for Dyna, possibly quite an important scene in the story, so you need to take a little time to slow the scene down a bit.



For example, take these sentences:

She looked over and saw Brian was on top of a cliff sitting with a girl. Slowly, she walked toward them. After hiding under about a million tropical plants and trees she reached them, carefully not making a sound.



All the reader knows up to this point (at least, all that's been revealed in this excerpt) is that a shoreline is somewhere nearby, there are palm trees, there's a cliff and an abundance of tropical vegetation. They have no idea where any of this is in relation to the character, to each other, and so it's very hard to envisage it in the mind. So let's start with a few questions:

-Where's the shoreline in relation to Brooke? Is she on a beach, right by the sea? Is the sea out of sight, obscured by the tropical vegetation?

-Are the palm trees close by (e.g. is she laid beneath one) or are they some distance away?

-Where is the cliff in relation to Brooke? Does it rise out of the sea or out of the forest? Is it tall, squat, close by? I'm going to assume it's not too far away if Brooke can see Brian and Dyna on it and reach them pretty quickly.

-Where is the tropical vegetation is relation to Brooke, the sea and the cliff? Is it a big forest? A small grove? Are the trees tall with thick canopies? Is the floor covered in undergrowth?



When you write description, it pays to use the five senses instead of just sight or just sound as it pulls your reader into the heart of the story. Also, make sure you include some details about what Brooke is feeling, sensing, experiencing, as it brings the reader closer to the character.



So, to conclude this little section, throughout the entire excerpt some more description is needed. However, don't go overboard -- long paragraphs stuffed full of imagery and sensory detail can kill a story as easily as a lack of them can. The trick is finding the balance and keeping the story moving forward throughout. Here are a few really good webpages that could help you with that:

http://hollylisle.com/index.php/Workshops/the-description-workshop.html

http://hollylisle.com/index.php/Workshops/pacing-dialogue-and-action-scenes-your-story-at-your-speed.html

Here's another on dialogue, if you're interested:

http://hollylisle.com/index.php/Workshops/dialogue-workshop.html



The final thing I'd like to bring up is punctuation of dialogue. Basic speech in any story usually has two parts to it: the words that are actually spoken and the tag (e.g. I said, she asked, he replied, etc.). At the moment, the speech and the tag are separated by a full stop/period in your writing. A tag should be preceded or followed by a comma (or an exclamation mark, question mark or dash) but never a full stop. For example, '“Introduce me to my dad.” Dyna said.' should be: '“Introduce me to my dad,” Dyna said.' (i.e. a comma before the tag). Another example is: 'End of story.” The girl named Dyna replied.', which should be: 'End of story,” the girl named Dyna replied.'



Well, I think that's everything I wanted to say! I hope this has helped you :)

Answer 2

sorry, i didnt read all of it. its very slow and boring, and hard to get into.

in the first part, I think it needs to give a bit more detail, about whats going on, whose who, etc.

Maybe, start it out saying how many years ago, like example "10 years earlier" and have how the girl was left on the door step? and who the brian guy is, and why the girl is evesdropping.

its almost like you just walk up to some strange people and start hearing a bunch of crap you dont care about, and walk away. sorry.

I just read the very end... very strange.

guess its just not my type of reading material.

Answer 3

I really liked it, i think it's just a bit confusing in the beginning, but otherwise I think that it's great!