Question:
Is this story intro/beginning any good? - part I?
Hazel
2012-05-18 22:18:42 UTC
Kira:
Music blared out from her speakers. She rolled over and pressed snooze on her radio alarm cck. She checked the time, 7:30. She was going to be late, but she didn’t really give a damn. She rolled back over in bed, and the music blared out again, louder this time. She kind of just wanted to sit here and listen to it. She ought to start changing the station before she went to sleep. To something she would never listen to, like Gwen Stefani or J. Lo. Then she would WANT to turn it off.
“KIRA LANE MILLER! Turn that awful music off, and get downstairs. You’re going to be late for school!”
Haha, very funny. Kira, You’re going to be late for school. Since when was that ever a threat. Oh, just because her mother enrolled her in honors classes and she was smart enough not to fail, didn’t mean she actually cared. Bullshit if her mother actually thought she cared about her grades.
Kira heard her mother stomping up her stairs. She was serious .Kira thought quickly, and then threw on some clothes, she could just ditch and go hang out with her friends.. Her mother would know, but it seemed if they pretended Kira was going to school, it was fine with her. She quickly threw on her camo jacket and a pair of old white converse. She quickly lined her eyes, and picked up her backpack. She’d drop it in the bushes out front, or by the neighborhood guard tower. She walked through the door, passing her mother, Laura Marie Miller.
“Bye, Laura.” She stomped down the marble stairs and out into the street. She would have to tell the guard on duty at their Community’s gate that she was going to school, but then she was free to do whatever she wanted.

Jenny:
Jenny woke up to her favorite song (also her ringtone), Boyfriend by Ashlee Simpson. She had set an alarm for 7:10 every morning on her alarm clock, an iHome she got from her friends, Ashley Cho and Sarah Donovan for Christmas. She had her new iPod that her grandparents had gotten her. Smiling at the iPod’s sleek, white, scratchless surface that held all of her and her friends’ favorite music, she began to get ready for the day: She put on her West Harbor High Cheer red, whit, and black shell and skirt and then her white socks and cheer shoes. She put her hair up in a perfect, sleek ponytail and applied makeup. She grabbed her white book-bag, and her black cheer-bag with her name, Jenny Ackerman, stitched onto it and “Co-Captain” below it. Her and Rachel were the two captains.
She ran down the stairs and poured herself a glass of orange juice and grabbed a lemon poppy seed muffin, her favorite. She gulped down the juice and ran out to the street. A minute or so later, a silver Mercedes Benz swerved onto her street, and stopped in front of her house. The window rolled down and Rachel popped her head out the window. Rachel had her short hair permed into curls and cat sunglasses on her head. She looked like she was straight out of the musical, Grease, or something. Except in a WHHS cheerleading outfit.
“Get in, *****.” Rachel said. She had the radio blaring Don’t Cha by The Pussycat Dolls. The second Jenny tossed her bags in the trunk, and got in and closed the door, Rachel sped off barely waiting for Jenny to buckle her seat belt.
“Next time I’m driving…” Ashley Cho grimaced as she quickly pulled out her Sidekick™ and Rachel blared along with The Pussycat Dolls.

“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me.”
Three answers:
Joss
2012-05-18 22:31:14 UTC
Start some place else than them waking up. It's cliche and boring, and no amount of interesting dialogue and inner monologue can change that. Having two characters waking up and getting ready for school is even worse.



Other than that, you have a good imagination. Make sure your characters have different personalities and come off as different people when you're in their POV. Right now, IMO, Jenny and Kira have the same voice and there's nothing to distinguish them; they sound like the same person. Give each of them a different 3rd person voice.



Good luck with your story. It's best to start as close as possible to when your characters lives turn upside down or change. Don't start your story too soon (too far *before* their life turns upside down) - that's a mistake many amateur writers make.



Read mine and give me feedback?

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20120518125118AA4tuVe
Sarah
2012-05-18 22:26:55 UTC
Right now it's reading like an advertisement for cell phones.

You're putting in a TON of irrelevant junk, you need to condense it.

Here's where I would begin:



She rolled over and pressed snooze on her radio alarm cck. She was going to be late, but she didn’t really give a damn.

The music blared again, louder this time.

“KIRA LANE MILLER! Turn that awful music off, and get downstairs. You’re going to be late for school!”

Since when was that ever a threat. Just because her mother enrolled her in honors classes and she was smart enough to pass didn’t mean she cared.

Kira heard her mother stomping up her stairs. She was serious. She threw on her camo jacket and a pair of old white converse. She quickly lined her eyes, and picked up her backpack. She walked through the door, passing her mother.

“Bye, Laura.”

She stomped down the marble stairs and out into the street.



Jenny:

Jenny woke up to her favorite song, Boyfriend by Ashlee Simpson. She sprang out of bed and began to get ready for the day: She put on her West Harbor High Cheer red, whit, and black shell and skirt and then her white socks and cheer shoes. She put her hair up in a perfect, sleek ponytail and applied makeup. She grabbed her white book-bag, and her black cheer-bag with her name, Jenny Ackerman, stitched onto it and “Co-Captain” below it.

She ran down the stairs and poured herself a glass of orange juice and grabbed a lemon poppy seed muffin, her favorite. She gulped down the juice and ran out to the street. A minute or so later, a silver Mercedes Benz swerved onto her street, and stopped in front of her house. The window rolled down and Rachel popped her head out the window. Rachel had her short hair permed into curls and cat sunglasses on her head. She looked like she was straight out of the musical, Grease, or something. Except in a WHHS cheerleading outfit.

“Get in, *****.” Rachel said. The second Jenny tossed her bags in the trunk, and got in and closed the door, Rachel sped off, barely waiting for Jenny to buckle her seat belt.

“Next time I’m driving…” Ashley Cho grimaced as she quickly pulled out her Sidekick™ and Rachel blared along with The Pussycat Dolls.



“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me.”
ellamae
2016-10-16 13:41:10 UTC
They particular as Hell more effective advantageous. in the experience that they don't , the finished very last 3 Months replaced into only a large Waste. noticeably all the damn Promos , & Hype Over the "assaults". That were given truly a lot "Orton/McMahon" Esq. i'd be Assuming that in the subsequent few Weeks , or probable 'Mania itself , they'll Elude to it some more effective , probable installation for an excellent wonder AT WM25. in the course of the Hardy/Hardy tournament - a wonder attack probable? Christian? Kennedy? somebody else? i'm particular they'll Do some thing with it , Even Vince isn't stupid adequate to brush between the most proper Storylines he's Had in Awhile , below the Rug. a minimum of , i wish he isn't any longer...


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