Is this death scene any good?

Question

This is the first death of the first chapter of the first pages. It bassically introduces the main baddie and is a little back ground info on the main character (Salvier)

Edwin looked around the hall slowly and cautiously.
A silver sword lay on the table nearest Edwin, gleaming and shining in the moonlight’s beams. Slowly he walked to the table, trying not to show signs of a destination he wished to end up.. The sword had small encryptions along the blade, in some foreign language, shadowed out from the rest of it.
His fingers crept ever so closer to the awaiting blade and with a swift hand he grasped the blade’s hilt.
Edwin jumped towards the hooded man, swinging his sword franticly at him, but struck nothing but thin air.
The hooded man had vanished into thin air.
Edwin’s heart was pouncing around in his chest, as he waited the inevitable.
From behind him there was a small cracking sound as the hooded man suddenly appeared again.
Edwin turned around and attempted to swing, but failed.
His energy seemed to be sucked from him, leaving him threat-less.
A sharp pain had appeared in his stomach, an aching agony of life and death.
His drew his eyes to the source, witnessing the blade of the hooded man burrowed inside him.
The man’s sword had turned back into raw steel as it punctured Edwin’s stomach.
The man drew his blade back from Edwin as he fell to his knees, dropping the encrypted blade.
“I see death now. And his friends, they await me. God damn you.” muttered Edwin, blood trickling from his mouth.
“I am death.” said the hooded man.
“And even death must die.”
With as much speed as he could, Edwin drew the small blade from the hooded man’s holster that was attached to his boot, and stuck it deep into the man’s chest.
The hooded man burst into an un-humanly scream and vanished into a ball of black smoke, disappearing from the house.
Edwin fell to the floor, as a small boy walked from a room.
He resembled Edwin, sharing his brown eyes and black hair.
“Daddy?” muttered the small boy, as a tear fell down his cheek.
“Salvier, my son-”
Salvier ran to Edwin, helping him up, best he could, full of helplessness and numb to the bone.
As he did so, a woman ran from the room opposite Salvier’s and burst into tears. She too helped Edwin to a sitting position, and they both griped him in a hug.
The long blonde hair of the woman was spread out upon her back like butter on bread. She was sobbing into Edwin’s shoulder as he picked up her and Salvier’s faces, looking into their eyes.
“Salvier – Son – It’s going to be ok.” he told him with a smile, “Just remember, whatever happens. I will love you with all my heart. Stay strong son.”
He kissed the forehead of the young boy, which triggered more and more. The last moments in his life with his only son, and the burden of that weighted heavy on him.
Salvier staggered back to the door of his room, but stopped.
He looked back on his sobbing mother and father.
“Julie – Julie, listen to me. You need to raise our son best you can. You’ll do great, I know you will.” he muttered, smiling at her.
“I don’t want you to go, Edwin.” she blurted out, crying, “You’re my only love. I’m nothing without you.”
“I don’t want to go either, Julie. But I have to, it’s time. Your strong, you’ll make it.”
He picked her face up once more from his shoulder and kissed her.
They kissed for the last time, the last feeling, the last touch.
“I love you.” he whispered, “I’ll see you in another world, my love, don’t be late.”
And with those final words of sorrow and promise, Salvier watched his father close his eyes, forever more.

Answer 1

I am afraid that the only death i got to was the death of good writing.



"trying not to show signs of a destination he wished to end up" Makes no sense.



"leaving him threat-less" Not good writing in any universe.



" an aching agony of life and death" What the....?



It would certainly help if you could be bothered to at least proof read and spell check your writing before posting it.

Answer 2

Psycho (1960) ~ Imagine the shock back then as the audience settled in for a story of how this lady is going to repent her crime. Then... Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974) ~ WOW! Others that come to mind are: Kirk Douglas' character in Saturn 3 Radha Mitchell's character in Pitch Black Barry Miller's character in Saturday Night Fever Richard Jaeckel's character in Sometimes a Great Notion ~ This is a painfully drawnout death though. The situation does occur suddenly, and we think a rescue is at hand. Then, the inevitability of what is going to happen creeps in for a grueling wait. Anyone who has seen this movie will vividly recall the scene even decades afterward.

Answer 3

I think it's a great start! The thing that confuses me, though, is "trying not to show signs of a destination he wished to end up". Maybe you should add "in" too it, to clarify a little more? And instead of "It's going to be ok" I would say "It's going to be okay" or "It's going to be all right". But overall, it seems like a very promising story. I really like it! Maybe someday it'll be published and I can read the whole thing!

Answer 4

Thats Awesome! 9/10, and you'll definetly get better over time.



I'm 13, but can you let me know what you think of this excert I wrote?



The other team had DeShaun Williams, in the hood he was rumored to be a seven-six giant. Boys & Girls, that was the name of his team, but the brother seemed like he was from another planet. Who knows, the possibilities are likely. The dude had them wide shoulders that all the chicks digged, wrestler-like calf, an odd grin, and without a doubt could throw a K-O punch. "You see that kid over there?" My friend Ramona said."Yeah, the big dude", I replied. "I heard from a group of Puerto Rican's that he hospitalized one of there members 'bout a week 'go, he gave him a brain concussion, and a fractured skull." That's nasty, sent shivers down my spine........"YOU'D BEST NOT MESS WITH HIM", Jocelyn said, my annoying little sis. Anyways, how a girl like you associated with a Puerto Rican gang? "YOU EVER READ THE PAPER, BOY?", Ramona yelled! But you said..ahh, what's the purpose.



Boys & Girls could have been a great team, but they relied to much on DeShaun. He was the one always tossing and turning on the damn court. I was shredding some serious sweat trying to leap across this joint, though. DeShaun smacked the ball, and it went hurdling toward the ground. I swear to God, I felt an after shock. I crossed my feat trying do some slick moves to impress them chicks. That got me no where, Shaun’s Godzilla-like palms smashed the ball through my face, while it was near my fore-head, simultaneously crushing my nose. My vision went dramatically blurry, I could see blood slowly dripping down my cheeks. After a few seconds, I began choking on the blood, and tried to gargle it. I felt drunk, I was acting a bit loony from the excruciating pain.



Once I arrived in the emergency room, I heard the doctors whispering to my mother, mam, we may need to shoot your son up with antibiotics. My mother was thinking. Luckily, I was half awake. I yelled, “HELL NO!” You ain't shooting me up with that junk. I'll get over it naturally. I knew that antibiotics only weakened your immune system, something doctors don't tell you. They give you medicine to help you...that medicine has a side effect, they give you some other junk to heal that side effect, and then you get another side effect, and so on. They rack in the cash like that.. Anyways, that was besides the point. Something was fishy, and I'm sure it's not the salmon in the cafe. DeShaun, bent his arm, in a 180 degree angle. I can swear that was no accident, the way he just forced his palm into the ball's face. Thus, making it pound my face.









Later on, my friends came over to see how I was doing, Even Thomas showed up, knowing though we had a fight last week, and weren't tight like that yet. Dough told me I had some stitches in my head, something I hadn't been addressed yet. Yeah, I was a bit pissed, but I got over it. Thomas told me we beat Girls & Boys, trailing by about a lousy point. I thought. Someone once told me, “I'd rather lose by a dozen points, than one.”It wasn't long until I was back to my regular routine, playing ball, and what not........