Question:
Rate my story please?
amy
2009-07-05 11:13:16 UTC
This is just a section of what I have written, any suggestions or criticism is welcome.
Thanks!
.............................................................................................

Seth Stumbled and automatically reached to surround his hands around his throat. Even though he had been able to breathe, it wasn’t voluntary, and it felt as if something had taken over his body. This girl who had been following him everywhere he went, who had the audacity to trick him into even looking in her direction had just made the wrong move. The boy regained his poise and stared directly at the violet eyed girl. She no longer wore her smirk as she looked as if she had finally realized something she was trying to figure out in her mind. Athene, as if she had heard a faint warning, wore a face of shock and horror and she dodged out of the way of Seth’s arms trying to strangle her.

As fast as Seth had advanced on Athene, she was gone. All that was left of the violet eyed girl was a whirl of charcoal colored dust still twirling around and finally it dissipated into nothing. Seth stood at the exact spot where the girl had vanished and quickly thought to himself,
If I knew that all I had to do to get rid of her was try to kill her, I would have tried that hours ago.
He quickly pushed that thought out of his mind and moved his face into a contorted posture. He wouldn’t allow his old self to even touch the surface of his new life.

A Ruby colored flash distracted Seth, and sent his vision to the west of him. He scanned the area to see where the flash could have come from but found nothing. It almost saddened him to think that he was alone again. Even though he hated Athene it was at least company. It had been years since he had anything more than a sideways glace in his direction. Another burst of ruby this time to his east side had shone a reflection off a broken shard of glass. Seth whipped his head up and turned to make the reflection out but it was only a piece of broken glass. He brought his sleeve up to his head and wiped off a long bead of sweat from his forehead. When he brought his arm back down the ruby color had this time flashed in the lower corner of his vision.
Am I crazy?
As he tried to explain these freak ruby appearances he felt a trickle of liquid fall and hit his shoe. Absently he looked down to inspect the liquid and saw that it was strangely the tint of ruby. Stricken with curiosity the boy shook his foot around in circles and when the liquid solidified his mild curiosity flipped into rage
Three answers:
Wdkg
2009-07-05 11:55:08 UTC
I'm a bit confused. Who is she? Why was she there? What exactly is happening? Overall a nice read though! But if you want to post an expert of your writing, at least post one that explains a bit of what's going on.



Good job and good luck!



https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20090704204819AA9JJFR
pj m
2009-07-05 11:22:38 UTC
Kism,



I'm a bit confused here. Who is Seth trying to strangle? It it himself or the girl? You have him surrounding his hands around 'his' throat, yet the girl is 'dodging' out of the way so as not to get strangled.



Get rid of the word 'had.' There are times when even the most published and profound writers overuse it. After a while it simply becomes annoying.



PJ M
anonymous
2009-07-05 11:16:15 UTC
you say "seth" too much


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
Loading...