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So I'm writing a story and this is the prologue feedback?

I layed back against the damp tunnel wall and listened... explosions, mechanical noises, and hissing from the ground above filled my ears, vibrating and echoing across the tunnel walls followed by terrified screams. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to forget the noises, but doing that was just like trying to learn a sound yet to be heard; impossible. With each scream a new face, a new name appeared in my head, who could it be? And with each possibility tension grew inside of me as if I were a mento dropped in a bottle of cola.
I started to shake but this time it was different, I wasn’t afraid... I was furious, furious that they were here taking the lives of innocent people, furious because the government had left us here, trapped without sending help, furious that all I was doing was sitting here safe and sound while the civilians above were being slaughtered. I took a shaky breath and stood up.
“I can’t do this anymore” I gasped, relieved to get the words out. Eight curious faces turned to stare at me “ I...I just can’t” I repeated, tears filling my eyes.
I felt a gentle hand on my arm but I didn’t bother to turn around, I knew who it was “Maddie,” the worried voice of my best friend Blake rung out “Maddie?”
“I-I’m going out there” I managed to say. My eyes darted nervously across the tunnel.
“Maddie are you okay?” Blake questioned frowning now. Beginning to stand up he put his hand on my chin forcing me to look into his deep green eyes “Answer me” he demanded now his tone filled with worry.
Pushing him away I gave him his answer “Yes Blake, I am okay” I chuckled darkly “but that’s the problem isn’t it? That we’re here safe from those... those things while there are people dying! Those people are our friends! Our family! And we just sit here like we don’t even care!” My voice started to raise as I realized just how wrong this was “ WE have food, water, protection, and they have NOTHING!”
Blake grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him in an attempt to calm me down “Please just relax! Because if we do go out there what will happen?” he hissed “What will we do? You know that if I could help I would go out and fight, I’m sure we all would...” he gestured to the seven others now intently watching our fight “But there is nothing we can do right now so we wait” the group murmured in agreement.
“How can you all be so ignorant?” I screamed turning to face not only him but the others as well. “You saw how quickly they DESTROYED Los Angeles do you really want that to happen to us?” I questioned then let out a sigh “Look, I don’t care what any of you say or think but I’m going out there to try to help in any way I can because unlike the the rest of us I haven’t lost hope.” I slowly turned around and headed down the tunnel my footsteps echoing behind me as I left.

If you like it I will be posting more chapters here: http://www.wattpad.com/11237124-visitors-prolouge
*Copyright 2013

Answer 1

It's ok, though it's very overwritten. You don't have to add so many adjectives and adverbs to get your point across. You can close your eyes without squeezing them. You can hear noises without those noises filling your ears. The people dying might be innocent, but how can you know that they all are? You can be sitting somewhere safe without it also being sound. Eyes can be green without being deep. Blake can express his concern without his voice being filled with worry.



It's also kind of silly; if these invaders took only a short time to destroy the whole city of Los Angeles what is a teenage girl going to do to 'fight back'? If the story continues in reality she'll walk outside and be instantly vaporized, leaving the door to her safe tunnel open so that the invaders can find her friends.



Meanwhile; I know the girl is going to survive because you are writing this story from her point of view. If she dies, the story ends, so I know already that she can't die. Also she and Blake will eventually fall in love. All very obvious in these paragraphs.



You are not a bad writer; you just need experience. Keep writing.

Answer 2

I like it :) What is the plot of the story though?? I know there's something to do with the government and Los Angeles, but like, what happened ??

Answer 3

apportion your story into paragraphs and for petes sake try to use the proper grammar.

Answer 4

You did good on it i like it good job.