He stayed silent for a moment; everyone was silent. All that could be heard was the unison breathing which made the sound of only three peoples breath fill the air were thirteen men were seated.
Five answers:
katrina
2011-01-06 18:35:03 UTC
No, the second sentence is confusing.
timebomb
2011-01-07 03:10:03 UTC
Awkward, passive sentences with too many unnecessary words.
He became silent because everyone else had. The thirteen seated men breathed in unison, and it was all that could be heard.
Beautiful Nightmare
2011-01-07 02:34:19 UTC
It's very good. =)
I would change around the "All that could be heard was the unison breathing". To me, that doesn't sound like it's worded properly. Something like "All that could be heard was the sound of the men breathing in unison, which made the sound...."
Miss Clyde
2011-01-07 02:36:09 UTC
No, not really. Too wordy. Just say: The "three peoples breath fill the air were thirteen men were seated" does not make sense, especially with the gratuitous grammatical errors.
2011-01-07 02:38:52 UTC
"All could be heard was the unison breathing"
The ending is a run-on and it is very confusion, also you mispelled "where".
ⓘ
This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.