Does this sound like a good proloue?

Question

We sat in the common room of our extremely expensive boarding school. I listened to the soft patter of rain as it fell in the distance, the crackling of the old wood burning fireplace, and the slow rhythmic beat of my boyfriends heart my head resting on his toned chest.
“It’s ok.” He repeated over and over again, his long muscular arms wrapped around me, as tears streaked my cheeks.
With each tear it became harder for me to keep my eyes open. With each tear I could feel a sense of hope rising in me. Maybe tonight will be the night I get to sleep dreamlessly.
Maybe tonight I will sleep without the cold dead face of my brother, light grey eyes wide yet unseeing as he lay on the ground.
With each passing moment I could feel my eyes closing, my body aching from my constant crying. Each breath I took was ragged, hindered by the sobs shaking my body. The only thought going through my head was: Nothing will ever be the same again.

Does that sound ok?

Answer 1

It's got good dramatic feelings around it, but there are a few awkward moments that I might change. EX:

We sat in the common room of our extremely expensive boarding school.

You've got such a wonderful description about the area you're in right after this that the "extremely expensive boarding school" part just seems a bit strange in comparison. Remember, show, not tell!





and the slow rhythmic beat of my boyfriends heart my head resting on his toned chest.

This part sounds a bit strange, you might want to knock off the head resting against chest part, it seems a bit added on next to the rest of your description (which is quite nice, by the way).





You also seem to use the word "with" a lot. You might have been going for that, but there's a lot of areas in between where you use "maybe" twice as well, and the repeating words affect tends to get lost if you do it with too much dialogue in between. I'd recommend rephrasing those parts.



Other than that, it looks all good to me.

Answer 2

Hi there!



anyways when I first read the start it didn't sound too much like prologue, so i was off a little... but then when it got to the part with the boy it got interesting.



1) the way you started your prologue doesn't sound alluring enough to make teh reader want to continue to read. The prologue has to be something that is a hint to the story.. it can be an action or a history/ backgrounf information taht the reader needs to know. I suggest you write another part for ur prologue or write your chapter one first. prologues are not always nessarily for books.



2) yo udidn't have to state she was whereever she was, it's not nessarily... cuz then we can tell it takes place at a boarding school...



' and the slow rhythmic beat of my boyfriends heart my head resting on his toned chest'

firstly don't state her boyfriend .. it give much away - write it as ..... ' the slow rhythmic beat of a thumping heart...





REWRITE PARAGRAPH TO SET UR GEARS GOING...

I listened to the soft pitter, patter of the rain as is fell, the crackling of the old wood in the burning woodfire and the slow rhythmic beat of a thumping heart.

Answer 3

That sounds fine. I'd say add more detail, but prologues don't need detail. But your first sentence, "We sat in the common room of our extremely expensive boarding school" doesn't sound right. When I read that I thought it would have something to do with money. Instead, you should put "We sat in the common room of _____________________, my prestigious boarding school" Fill in the blank with the name of the school. My opinion...

Answer 4

I thought it was very good. I agree with 14 years. You use the word with a lot. but I did like it.