I`m writing an upcomming book for tweenagers called "Peace of mind"?

Question

I`m writing a sci-fi adventure thriller story for tweens ( year 5 - year 7 UK). I was wondering if this would grip you as a parent or for someone your know to buy this book (this is the blurb)

Peace of mind is a thrilling sci-fi adventure...

When Lazer finds herself entangled in a web of lie.Lies her parents have left behind.. she has no option but to... RUN!

The change that sparks the fire... Laser turns fifteen and when the clock strikes fourteen minuets past three there's no going back. Will Laser make it out of the web that threatens to cave in? Or will her body give in as she finds herself on the run... from what? She doesn't know...but shes about to find out..


"Breath taking, I couldn't put it down!" - Eliza age 13


And here is the first two chapters! Please let me know (series feedback please with as much detail as possible) what you think of both the story the blurb and the website- quote before hand which review goes for what! Thank you very much its much appreciated!

Website- http://sophiehhome.wix.com/peace-of-mind#!home/mainPage


Heres the first two chapters!


CHAPTER 1
That voice

"Crystal?...CRYSTAL?!"
The voice echoed in the distance. She fumbled for the switch as her head spun uncontrollably, disorientating shapes moved in front of her like ballerinas dancing across her vision.
"Just one foot after the other" she thought to herself, that's all her brain could manage. The fear and adrenalin kicking in coursing through her veins as she knew her almost certain death was near.
Her fingers trailed along the rugged stone walls like sand paper on her finger tips. “Just find the switch, do it...do it NOW” With every step every twist and turn her body made she could feel herself loosing grip on reality... the venom was kicking in...
First her toes then her feet, she was starting to lose sensation, she could no longer feel the pounding of her bare feet against the frozen iron. She began to worry... she must not lose feeling in her fingers without them she would not be able to find the switch. “I hope my eyes go first” she spoke to herself “least that way I won’t be able to see what awaits me” but all that came out was “nmph errp humprr” as the venom started to paralyse her lips, her cheeks... her throat..
First a small speck, sashayed across her vision, one two three...one two three. That speck became a blob and then a lump, very slowly white light blocked her vision as she treaded onwards.. one two three...one two three. She began to gasp for air as she felt her throat giving in, wrapped by the venom, like a snake wraps its prey before it goes in for the kill.
She musnt give up, the white light had completely covered her vision. She could feel her body giving up.. the pounding of her heart slowing down, “this is it” she thought as her legs gave way and she tumbled to the ground, smashing her head on the floor, loosing all sense of reality, and her mind faded into darkness.

If you have time please please please review all three it would be ever so helpful!





Chapter 2
Flash Back

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Laser... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”
“Make a wish! Blow out your candles!”
“Who’s for a piece of cake? I will take it through to the kitchen!”
“I`ll cut it!”
“Okay well that means I’m coming too don’t trust you or your dad where sharp knives are concerned! “
“Oh no laser dear you stay here, there’s a good girl! We have a surprise for you!”
Tick TOCK... Tick TOCK...Tick Tock
BONG BONG BONG
Since when does the clock strike fourteen minuets past three?
I`m fifteen...

Answer 1

You have spelling errors.

minuets minutes

loosing losing

breathtaking is one word



Venom is a poison that snakes inject with their fangs. You are confusing snakes that use venom and those that kill by strangulation such as boa constrictors.

Answer 2

Jesus did not instruct scripture on my own. and far of what hes reported and did is area of our -- Catholic -- unwritten heritage. the recent testomony isn't a transcript of each and every second of Jesus's life or ministry. it really is the tale of the fondation and early formation of the catholic churhc. The Gosples are the speivifc trainng that Jesus first bishops recived at his hand -- He hadn options them trains them appoints a chief, ordains him is crucified rises kind the ded and ordains the last. Int he period in-between instuting the scaraments. The gosples are extra and outline highlighten the most iimportant spects of Jesus's challenge which became to got here upon His kingdom on earth, consisting of teh instution of the sacraments. UNderstood in this contxt sripture makes suitable experience. outdoors of this context it makes no experience and all kinds of errenous notions and missunderstandings are produced. This si why -- the context -- that is really ordinary for a catholic to communicate a protestant particualrly the sola -scrupture or "fundies" becasue all of us understand the trutht and the authentic context so we've the truth with us, and ought to easliy straineout fake suggestions brough about by utilising each and each and every indiviudal inperpting the owrds for themselves. So no not something should be further fro the truth Jesu gave scripture it really is astounding and positively exalted palce yet he did not convey the concept of sola sripture or he may have wrote himslef, he may have spent his time writng and by no skill fouodning he church. Sola scripture is a kind of idolatry which negates the actul jesus, aND UINDEED a own REALTIONSTHP WITH HIM that is only accessible by skill of the sacrametns.. It elavtes the bible to the sataus of God. certainly many call it the note of god at the same time as in reality weknow that jesus is the note of god and the bible contains the words of god.

Answer 3

If your organization isn’t going properly, if you don’t know how to fix it and you just get at the finish of your streaks don’t be concerned- this guide, Manifestation Miracle that you can locate it here https://tr.im/QTkkQ it will assist you attain your accurate prospective.

In life, you might have accomplished operate quite difficult yet you locate no outcome. It is what you call failure. Often, you will blame yourselves. You will don't forget what you have completed in the previous and attempt to evaluate which part of perform that you made come up with no outcome. Regrettably, it is not the efficient way to get your good results. Evaluating could be a advisable way at least in order to that you will not do it any longer in the future. In fact, Manifestation Miracle will show you the way to attain accomplishment with rapidly however without any difficult work.

Answer 4

I like the name of your character - very catchy.

In chapter 2 I would start it with:

"Happy birthday to you," that way you don't have to read the whole song.

the multiple "tick tocks" are a tad repetative; how about; time ticked away, or alternatively just use one tick tock.



Cute idea and definately keep working :)