What do you think of my edited Fan-fiction for Twilight so far?

Question

okay my 3 questions got deleted yesterday and I decided to take out the rape and make it a take in advantage from Twilight.
I need help with ideas for chapter2 and 3 and plz tell me what i should take out of the story or fix and tell me how good it is written and how u like it. Ty Kayla.
The Surprise!
Hello this is my first story ever! I do not own the Twilight Saga I wish I did but I don't!
Chapter1- Wedding Night
(Bella POV)
The time finally came when Edward gave me my promise. I was in the bathroom getting changed into my ling re that I bought from Victoria's Secrets one week ago. Edward was in the bedroom getting ready and he had a surprise for me, he knows how much I hate surprises. When I walked out of the bathroom there was a wonderful smell of lavender coming from the candles that were on surrounding the whole room and the bed, romantic music was playing, beautiful pink, white, and rose petals were scattered all over the room. Then there was Edward turned around not looking at me. Edward was dressed in plaid boxers that were the color of navy blue. Edward turned around with his eyes wide in surprise.

"Love you look very beautiful", he whispered in my ear in a loving voice.

Then within a minute we were on his bed about to do it, my heart racing really fast, Edward chuckled. Then the promise happened. I was nervous, excited, and scared all at the same time. Edward looked really happy that he gave me this promise. While we were doing it I had a flashback of me and Jake doing it three days before my wedding. He took advantage of me at my house while Charlie, Edward, Emmett, Carlise, and Jasper were all out at Edward's bachelor party. Esme, Alice, and Rosalie were hunting. My mom Renee she was on a plane to Port Angeles, Washington she will arrive tomorrow or later tonight for the bachorlette party and the wedding. There was a knock on my bedroom window. I opened the window and there was Jacob Black standing in my bedroom. He came over to me and kissed me really fiercely and it was 10 o'clock at night and I was falling asleep.

“ Jake I thought you were in Canada”, I said trying to get him to stop kissing me.

“ Well Bella I came back to try to convince you not to marry that bloodsucker, you know you love me and I love you; you should be with me, I am the one you truly love and you should be marrying me not the bloodsucker!”, he said with a angry tone, than he kissed me more, more harder that it crushed my lips really hard.

“ Jake I love you, but...but as a brother, I love Edward with all my heart and soul and I am willing to give him my soul and heart for eternity, he is truly my soul mate and will always, you need to understand that Jacob Black”, I said in a disgusted tone.


The next thing I remember is Jake was waking up in Jake's arms naked. Edward wouldn't be happy about this after he finds out but I won't tell him for a while after I am a vampire I guess. I was fully awake know it was 5:30 in the morning I knew Charlie already left for work and my mom wasn't here yet. “ JACOB BLACK GET OUT OF MY HOUSE KNOW WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT RAPPING ME I HATE YOU, GOT IT, YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME YOUR SUCH A JERK, I HATE YOU”, I screamed on the top of my lungs that tears were coming out of my eyes. “ Whatever and don't marry that stupid bloodsucker oops I mean your precious Edward Cullen, I'm out of here I guess you don't realize I am the right guy for you”, said Jake in a angry tone. End of Flashback.

“ Love whats wrong?”, asked Edward

“ Nothing, I was just thinking of the first time we met”, I said trying to not sound like I'm lying.


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6:00 in the morning the day after the wedding
I was awoken by Alice yelling. I looked over to seeing Edward staring at me, he smiled my favorite smile.

"Good morning Sleeping Beauty",said Edward.

" Good morning", I said giving him a kiss on the lips.

"Don't you think last night was amazing?", asked Edward.

"Yes", I said having a flashback of last night.

"Why is Alice yelling?", I asked.

" She is mad at Emmett for sitting on her laptop, and also he burnt her clothes", said Edward.

"Oh!", I said with my eyes bulging and my jaw hanging open in surprise.

" Bella I will be back in a week or three me and Carlise, Emmett, and Jasper have to go hunting and go see Tanya and the others up in Alaska, you know it would be a girls weeks until we come back and don't forget I love you; I want you to have my heart and my soul until I come back", said Edward wearing a sad face.

"Okay, but I don't like it when you leave me it would be like it was when you left me for a while and I detest it so much and yea I love you two", I said in a sad voice.

Edward gave me a kiss that mad me more sad, I'm going to miss this for the weeks that he is gone. I started to cry at this thought.

“ Bella please don't cry just remember I will be back, you call me or even IM me on AIM”, said Edward.

Than at full vampire speed he was gone for a week or three, I thought to my self I am going to hate every minute of this, this is pure torture the second worst this year.
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3 weeks Later
I woke up at 6:00 am as usual and I knew Edward wasn't back yet. I didn't feel good today I rushed into the bathroom to throw up in the toilet. I heard a knock at the door it was Esme and Alice.

" Are you okay sweetie?", asked Esme.

" Yeah I think so", I said.

" Good news for us the Boys will be back Sunday and I know today is Monday but they have a surprise for all of us I heard the conversation in my vision but I wish I knew what the surprise was!", said Alice with her eyes looking all sad and excited.

For the rest of the week I kept throwing up in the morning.

On Friday I went to a local drug store and picked up a pregnancy test. I was wearing a dark navy blue jacket with the hood up so nobody wont recognize me. I got to the counter to pay it was a lady that looked maybe in her late 20's. The cashier looked at me and said “ Hon are you a little to young to have a baby”. “ I am only 18 almost 19 years old and I am happily married” I said to the cashier in a furious tone. I must have been having bad luck today because the cashier had to do a price check for the pregnancy test. I was about to died of humiliation, I could feel that I was blushing.

When I got back home I went into the bathroom and waited for the longest 15 minutes of my life.
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How did you think of my story and I am trying my best to write a good story. Yes there will be a new chapter because of the cliffhanger. Please review and give me some ideas for the future chapters I might write another one today! Also thank you for reading! Next chapter you will find out if Bella's Pregnant and if she is who is the father could it be Edward's or Jacob's you never know until I write another Chapter or more future!

Answer 1

Over all, it is pretty good. However, there are some mistakes. First, there are a lot of puncuation errors. Here are a few:

1. "Yes", I said having a flashback of last night.

The comma should be after the 's' and before the ''. Those are most of your mistakes.

2. For something like this sentance:

" Are you okay sweetie?", asked Esme. To fix this, you would get rid of the comma completely. Also, instead of saying asked Esme, you should say Esme asked me, so it would be a sentance.

3. In the first paragraph when you say:

...beautiful pink, white, and rose petals were scattered all over the room, it should be:

...beautiful pink and white rose petals were scattered all over the room.

4. When you say:

than he kissed me more, more harder that it crushed my lips really hard. It should be:

Then he kissed me so hard (more harder doesn't work) that it crused my lips.

There are more but I think you get the point.



When Bella is flipping out on Jacob, he talks in that same paragraph. His words are supposed to be in a completely different paragraph, same as when Bella talks when she is buying the pregnacy test. When Bella tells Jacob that she loves him like a brother, that is not true anymore because if you read Eclipse, you find out that she really loves him passionately. I don't think that you should include the part with AIM. They never talked about that ever before. When you say that the boys will be gone for a week or three, it should be anywhere from a week to three or a week or two. Also Jacob isn't really acting like he would be in the book. He wouldn't give up that easily on Bella. This is random but Edward's plaid boxers that are navy blue have to be another color too so they can really be plaid.



As for your next chapter, I would do something totally unexpected but still very good and along the story line.



I hope I wasn't too hard on you, and if you did like what I said you can add me or something so I can help you with your future chapters. Good luck!

Answer 2

Again, writing just isn't your thing.



Aside from the fact that this story is so ridiculous it makes me gag, you...



1. change tenses like 30 times in this short section

2. misspell words

3. have no emotion when you speak, the whole scene with Bella reflecting upon the "rape" --that sould be filled with emotion, but i found it (like the rest of the story) boring.

4. characters are just not believable

5. dialogue is choppy and uninteresting.

6. it's raping not "rapping"... Unless Jacob Black is throwing down some fat beats, which, considering how stupid the rest of the story is, i suppose he could be.

7. stop making up words.

8. the part in the drug store should be tense, and again, because of how you just rush through it, it's boring.



Simply put, this is just not very good. I don't even care what happens next. Sorry, but you asked if I liked it, and I'm just being brutally honest.

Answer 3

I think it's a bit confusing. Bella is a bit out of character. Wouldn't she be a bit reluctant to have sex with Edward, when she was raped by Jacob a couple of days before? And, Jacob isn't that aggressive. Edward, again out of character, doesn't act like that. He's a bit more protective, and wouldn't he figure out something was wrong with Bella? And, Edward can't be the father....he can't really father kids, since he turned into a vampire. Stephenie Meyer explained that in one of her interviews, I think on her site maybe.

Answer 4

i in my opinion do not think of being unique is particularly important. the only way i attempt to be unique is with the help of taking an previous plot, then maneuvering it around so as that it would not shop on with cliches of that type. that's perplexing, thinking lots of my memories contain vampires. generally as quickly as I write, I purely write some thing i want to examine. There are not too many books approximately Grim Reapers obtainable, and truthfully not ones with regard to the son of dying. So i'm writing it. i wish that Reapers may be the subsequent large ingredient after mine is revealed :P As for analyzing a special tale over a time-honored one? i choose a stunning mixture. case in point: i like city myth, yet at the instant each UF is a replica of another. they are all precisely alike. Now i like particular factors of it. Kicka-s-s women folk, vampires, a sparkling international with a supernatural twist...yet i choose some thing that would stand out whilst additionally following an analogous hassle-free formula. finally i want to place in writing the e book that stands out....when I decide how. BQ: i've got began numerous. A pastime of Thrones, The Thief, A Crack contained in the Sky, and lifeless Witch walking....they are all not the superb i've got ever examine. even in spite of the undeniable fact that The Thief's ending replaced into surprisingly rattling stable, yet i won't have the ability to advise it as a results of fact something of the e book replaced into very uninteresting to me. i'm nevertheless going to declare the Seven geographical regions sequence, even in spite of the undeniable fact that i ended it someplace around November. That sequence purely haunts me. the 1st e book is The Demon King, and the 2nd is The Exiled Queen. i in my opinion love those books plenty i'd fee them up there with Harry Potter.

Answer 5

I have to agree with Jazzman. This is quite honestly one of the worst things I have ever had the displeasure of reading. For all those reasons listed above. You don't even attempt at mimicking Meyer's poor writing style. Hers, while pretty lame, is still better than yours. You also shouldn't use vernacular like "do it". It makes Bella sound even dumber than she really is. She can't even say sex in her own inner dialogue? That's pathetic. Again, I agree with Jazzman. He is completely correct. This is pretty bad, and I don't want to keep reading for fear that my eyes will start bleeding.