Is this a good beginning to my story?

Question

I'm writing a new book about a woman in her early twenties who just got out of college and wants to work in the fashion industry in NYC. I've never written anything like this before and I wanted to get some good opinions. THe character is very ambitious and maybe even annoying sometimes but all in all she is a good person. Thx for your input! Here is the story :

The trian is cramped and it stinks of sweat but it will all be worth it in the end. I'm moving to the place of my dreams. It is only twenty more agonizingly long minutes away. I stood up holding my suitcase, hoping we would stop soon. Hoping the conductor would anounce, "New York City!" and let us off. As of right now I am whoever I want to be and I love it. I love that the people next to me don't know if I am a ballerina or a trombone player. Whatever I tell them they have to believe because they don't know me and they can't prove me wrong. I can be anyone. Definately in New York. Big City. No one will know me. I get to decide how people see me this time, and they are gonna love me, I just know it. No longer am I the small town girl from Minnesota but an independant woman from Ney York.

The train screeched to a stop and the doors opened. I stepped out in the crowd and everyone seemed to be going a different way. I pushed my way through and made it out of the train station into the more crowded sidewalk. Taxi's littered the street so I figured it would be easy enough to snag one. Unfortunately I was wrong and it took me about twenty minutes before I hopped in. I told him the address of my brand new apartment and we were off. The cab couldn't go fast enough for me and I kept fidgeting around hoping it wasn't too far. We eventually reached it and I gave the driver his due pay before scrambling out of the smelly car and up to my new home. I slowly put the key in the lock and it fit perfectly so I turned and opened the door.

The interrior was mainly white. The carpet was perfectly white without flaw and the walls were a slight cream color. It lacked furniture, which I would need to buy soon, but it was very nice without it. There was a small island separating the living room from the small kitchen. It only had room for two barstools and it had a hazel colored marble top. In the kitchen there was a small stove and fridge. As I walked down the short hall I noticed four doors. The first on the right led to a little closet. The next, a small bedroom. The last one on the left opened to a master bedroom ant the first one to a bathroom. My parents paid the first payment on the apartment and said I would have to pay the rest and buy the furniture but that was fine. I had everything planned out. First I will buy the furniture, then I will need a roomate and a job, after that I should be good to go.


With my luck though, my plan will be flawed. Tomorrow I will go out and buy the furniture and tonight I will have to sleep on the inflatable matress I brought. I turned out the lights, locked all the doors, and went to sleep.

Answer 1

You have spelling errors. You lack commas. Some of your sentences are actually fragments. Also, it's true that's ridiculous that her parents can afford to pay the first month's rent for an apartment unless she comes from money. You describe a $3,000 a month (or more) apartment. Her parents would have had to pay about $6,000 or more to secure it. Also, just coming here hoping to make it? It's so cliche. Finally, write about what you know.

Answer 2

Well, aside from the scenario others have pointed out (not seeing the apartment first), I live here so I'm curious why she wouldn't just come to college here? NYC has some of the best fashion schools in the entire country and she seems to come from money already. Plus, the locations are a little hard to imagine, so it would benefit if you really studied the layout of the city. If she took an Amtrak all the way from St. Paul to Penn Station, she'd get off at 34th Street and the fashion district is on 38th so she could walk there. I'm curious where the apartment is if she has to travel so far (Hell's Kitchen is close - Lower East Side is farther, both could be swanky). New York really is such a big city. Plus, if she doesn't have a job already, I wonder how she can afford such a luxurious (and clean!) two bedroom. Little details like that would really help.



As far as building character goes, dialogue would give your beginning an extreme boost. Even if she's on the train talking to the person next to her - or giving the cabbie her address and hanging on for dear life. Scenes where it's one character alone for an extended period of time aren't as involving as they could be if she interacted with others. It could use some tension - even if a bum yelled at her or if she asked directions from someone who's rude. Tension is your friend in writing - especially beginnings. That's what will hook your reader, so when everything happens that's nice and easy, sorry to say it's a little on the boring side. When you put the character in a situation she's not expecting, something pulls her in a new direction - your reader will be dying to know what happens - how does she respond? That goes for creating a hook in any beginning. *edit - I didn't even mention the spelling mistakes, but really you should edit yourself to the best of your ability before showing others*



Good luck!

Answer 3

It is a little curious that the heroine arrives in New York with a key in her pocket to an apartment that she has never been to before. Perhaps it belongs to a friend of her parents. In order to draw the reader in something needs to happen apart from the ordinary business of moving into an apartment: a mysterious neighbour who really is a trombone playing ballet dancer, a phone call, possible blood stain. Getting into the fashion industry is difficult and the heroine's life will take another turn that may be difficult or dangerous.

If you don't live in New York (and I don't think you do) go there if possible to get the feel of the place. Otherwise immerse yourself in pictures and blogs to find out what it is like there.

Answer 4

Why has she bought/rented an apartment that she's never seen, apparently not even in pictures? Letting mummy and daddy sort out where she lives doesn't sound much like an independent woman to me. I think you need to reconsider this. It might make more sense for her to be borrowing it from a friend (or a friend of a friend) while she finds a place of her own.



I do like "I love that the people next to me don't know if I am a ballerina or a trombone player."

Answer 5

everybody is often going to declare "start up with a bang!" - and that i bypass to tell you suitable now that it is not continually needed. in case you think of which you would be able to pull of a bright adequate description of this domicile, you have your readers curious adequate as that's. the way you describe the domicile is as much as you and your guy or woman style, as many have in all probability already informed you. you should start at an particularly small component, and paintings your way up - your ought to start describing room via room. all of it extremely relies upon on the way you choose it to start. test with it. try writing it some different techniques and notice which way which you like it suited. in case you think of that the define is merely too boring, then possibly you would be extra desirable off describing the characters, some action, or perhaps utilising talk. happy writing.