Tell me what you think of my book!!!?

Question

I'm writing a book that I might send to a publisher. I wanted to see what people thought of it so i decided to post my 1st chap. here on yahoo answers to get feedback from members here on yahoo answers. Keep in mine im soon going to get a copyright on this so if you take and use my idea or my words you will get into some big trouble. Thank you!

Chap 1:I seem to find myself being called after class quite frequently. I’m definitely no teachers pet. Today, though, it wasn’t the typical “You’re talking too much in class” or “You don’t seem to be paying much attention during class” You know, typical stuff. Today, I didn’t even wait for Ms. Richards to call me up to the front. I stood up grabbed my books and stumbled to the board, where Mrs. Richards was standing. “Ah, Rachael. There is something I need to, bring, to your attention.” I just stood there. I mean, what else what I supposed to do? I was waiting for the “It may be time to contact a parent” but to my surprise, it never came. “Rachael, I don’t know what has happened. Your grades have been dropping pretty fast. At the beginning of the year, even in the middle of the year you were a straight A student and now…you’ve got C’s and D’s. Is there something that is affecting your abilities in school? Possibly with family or something outside of school?” I looked down, hiding my eye roll. “Ms. Richards, it’s the end of the year! Nothings wrong, I just. I dunno.” She sighed. “Well, I think a good way to start raising your grades is by extra credit.”
“Extra Credit? During summer! Please Mrs. Richards, I promise next year…”
“You’ve been assigned a community service project. You’ll need to complete 16 hours of work at the Soup Kitchen downtown. If you will, please give this letter to your parents.” She touched her finger to her tongue and picked up a sheet of paper from a thin stack on her desk. I blew some air out the side of my mouth. “Have a nice summer Rachael, see you next year.” I smiled and nodded. “How much better could you get then spending summer with a bunch of geezers and hobos?” I mumbled under my breath, making my way for the door.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

“You’ve got to be kidding! She cant do this to you!” Chelsea said, as we crossed the street towards Java. “It’s too late, she already did!”
“Well, shouldn’t you get to make the decision to do extra credit. I mean, its’ your grades not hers! Plus you probably won’t even have her next year.” Chelsea is my optimist friend. I can’t live without her. “Well, maybe you want to join me at the soup kitchen then?” She gave me a not-a-chance look and said “I’m not the one who should join you. Ms. Richards should. She thinks working 16 hours at a soup kitchen is easy, but if she was the one being forced to work there, I bet she would change her mind. No wonder she’s not married.” I chuckled at that. “I know! Can you imagine her around hobos and have nots?” We entered Java. Chelsea nudged me. “Hey look, its Cameron.” Cameron doesn’t have many friends, so we accept him into our, “group”. We slid into the booth that Cameron was sitting in. “Hey guys.” he said. “Hey. Whatcha guys want? I’ll buy today.” I said, standing back up. “The usual.” Cameron said and Chelsea nodded.
“3 Strawberry Mango Twist please.” I said to the cashier. She carelessly typed buttons on her cash register, twisting her hair around her finger and chomping her gum. “That it?” she asked in a high pitched voice. I nodded and pulled out a twenty. A moment later I walked back to the table with 3 Strawberry Mango Twist. When I set them down on the table, Chelsea just stared at me. “What?” I asked a moment later looking around. She kept on looking at me. I raised my eyebrows. “Well are you gonna tell him?” I sighed.
“What’s up?” he looked from me to Chelsea and then back at me. “I have to do extra credit work at...”
“The soup kitchen. Ms. Richards is making her work 16 hours there and she didn’t even get a choice. We both don’t think its fair!” Chelsea blurted out. I tucked in my lips and nodded. “16 hours? That’s ridiculous! No wonder Ms. Richards isn’t married!” Cameron said. “Exactly what I said!” Chelsea blurted out again. The problem with Chelsea is that sometimes she can get to be too loud and obnoxious. That moment there was a great example. People were starting to glance over at us and give us weird looks. “TLC.” I said nudging her. Cameron stared at me. “What’s TLC got to do with anything? My mom watches that channel all the time!”
“Tell him.” Chelsea sighed. I lowered my voice to a low whisper so I wouldn’t embarrass Chelsea in front of everyone in Java. Although, I think she did a good job of already doing that herself. “Sometimes Chelsea has problems with getting, too excited and loud. If she is starting to get loud I just tell her, TLC, which stands for, too loud Chelsea. Then she knows to tone it down a little.” I could tell Cameron was holding back from cr

Answer 1

The problem with your character is that she seems rather unlikable. This is not necessarily a bad thing, (it's better than making her perfect) but she needs to at least have some qualities (eventually) that make the reader have a grudging respect for her OR she needs to change. (Complaining about having 2 months to spend a mere 16 hours at a soup kitchen comes across as very selfish.) It would be helpful to have someone call her out on her selfishness, someone likable. (The character who calls her out does not need to be perfect but it's not good for the only character who calls her out to be a villain.) Until: a) someone calls her out b) she changes or starts to change or c) she shows some redeeming qualities: you need something to pull the readers in. Right now there isn't.

I suspect that the reason you intend to have your character work at a soup kitchen is to change her. You need a better reason though (other than extra credit.) Maybe she could vandalize the school as part of a joke and have to do it for a punishment. Extra- credit isn't a great reason and it seems a bit forced.

Answer 2

With all due respect this isn't even good enough to steal. There are far too many spelling and grammatical errors and there is just nothing to hook the reader.



Also, you're clearly an amateur considering you make threats like, "Keep in mine im soon going to get a copyright on this so if you take and use my idea or my words you will get into some big trouble." It's considered intellectual property and is already yours to begin with. It's utterly pointless to get it legally copyrighted.

Answer 3

Here are a few relatively well books... Ill Rate Them a million-five a million. The Truth About Forever (five) two. Midnighters Series (five) three. Mediator Series (five) four. Reincarnation (four) five. The Host (five) 6. Scribbler Of Dreams (three) Twilight is my favourite although =]