Can you give me some constructive critisism for a story begining I have written?

Question

This is the beginning of a story I am writing, however I always feel my writing style is missing something and it never sounds quite as good as I wish it would, so constructive criticism would be appreciated! This is a kind of epilogue starting near the end of the story then I will go back to the beginning. It is intended to draw you in but I'm not sure it is doing that. Anyway, I am 15, so nothing needlessly harsh. please help!

She had a choice. We are all given a choice. Whether old or young we all come to a decision that shapes our future in abstract, unpredictable and quite often undesirable ways. It was a simple enough question. Perhaps anyone else could have replied without thought, but not Ava. She hadn’t known the answers for a while now. Her world had once been a haven of absolute symmetry, now, everything she had once been so sure of seemed veiled, already forgotten, already obsolete. Everything about her was unsure, the way her eyes darted across the room, cautious, scared, and desperate. The straight line of her spine, tense, and full of the fear she dared not succumb to. Her clothes, pale and worn shrank from attention, clearly intended prevent notice though they only emphasized the hollow shell that was her face. A face that had once smiled, a face that had once laughed, a face stripped of all its grace leaving only exhaustion.
Ava was tiered with the world. She was tired of people. Most of all she was tired of the truth. The truth is a fickle thing, one can hold it tight, yet still it changes, for people rule truth and people are at the mercy of mercurial fate. Truth is a lie in itself, as for one truth there is always another opposing, there is never only one story, she knew this well. Dragging her eyes from the papers before her, Ava sighed, though in truth it was closer to a sob. She had what she desired, and now she no longer wanted it.
Outside the dying embers of the sun clung to the horizon in a losing battle with the moon. A red glow stained the patchwork of fields as the sun paid for its obstinacy. Tendrils of light spread through the window, illuminating particles of dust suspended in the air. They waltzed and floated peacefully, unaware of the conversation below. Everything was still. Everything except the woman on the across from Ava, she rapped her nails purposefully across the table. She spoke, “patience was never one of my virtues”, her voice was soft, warm almost playful, but, not quite. Her burning auburn hair tumbled gracefully around her face. She picked her hand from the table and began to finger the heavy locket that hung from her neck.
Ava dared to look into her cavernous, deep eyes. They seemed to boar straight into her soul, know all her secrets, seemed to dissolve all of the courage she clung to, destroy everything she had learnt. “Will you help me?” she asked in her velvety voice, Ava hesitated for one more second taking one more glance around the room. Someone must be coming for her. Someone must care. It was only a moment, but in that moment, all hope left her. She nodded; her fate was sealed.

Answer 1

I think it is really good but I think you need to cut down on some of the description in places as it almost drags on a little too much. This is only happens once or twice and the story looks really good! I like the way its hinting at things but it doesn't tell you everything!! Good work!!!

Answer 2

The story begun and continued is artitisik, but fails in expression. It is just like a news paper column and there are many words that cannot be understood by any lay man. It looks as if a Journalist attempting to write some thing, and i feel it is a journalistic writing.. It does not come under a story. Generally the ancient writings were full of dilogues and conversations, easy to understand and easy to remember.You need to cultivate the art of creative writing for the readers and not own self.,

Sorry for my my own views.

Answer 3

You do have proficiency - the tale has knowledge and also you appear to be common in telling in it. I certainly like the way you begin to inform a tale, environment an surroundings even as concerning the man or woman, and no longer droning on with meaningless drivel just like the color of his eyes, that's what such a lot younger writers to start with do, Don't fear approximately copyrighting despite the fact that, it is not fine. Talent can best be exploited with ability and train, so preserve writing. Equally most important - learn. See how your writing stands as much as what you learn. After you write a work, learn again by way of it and ask your self the way you would make the sentences extra transparent, smoother. For instance, within the following excerpt, you don't must say "bed room window". Just "window" is wanted considering that we all know he is in his bed room - he is on his mattress. I'm additionally no longer definite approximately "distinct colors", the one town I recognize in which your window would flash distinct colors maybe Vegas - however I maybe false impression what you imply. "Ari sat on my own on his mattress, his again in opposition to the bloodless concrete wall. He watched the styles the rain mirrored at the wall by way of the bed room window, town lighting flashed distinct colors among automobiles using by means of at the busy road, hypnotized by means of his possess private gentle exhibit." This will get complicated. I'm no longer particularly definite what wall and what is being mirrored. The final line is disconnected. I see what you're getting at and adore it, as I stated, however you'll do a greater task portraying it.

Answer 4

Just really to fix the typo's, like: her spine, tense, and full of the fear she dared not succumb to. Remove the comma at spine tense so it reads "The straight line of her spine was tense, and full of the fear" etc, that would make more sense.







Ava was tiered with the world. Do you mean "tiered" or "tired".



That is all, the rest is good. Answer mine please?



https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20100808071659AATNGAy



I would be so grateful if you could help. It is my first story I have ever written.

Answer 5

add more detail in some parts use less detail in other parts fix typos and make it longer.

Answer 6

yeah it's good

i like the way you write!

=)