Would you want to read more after this paragraph?

Question

A strong, glowing light flashed through the scarlet diamond decorated curtains, piercing Percy’s eyes, forcing him to wake up. The natural, silent alarm clock blazed and lit the whole bedroom of the exuberant mansion. Lavish bedrooms, granite counters, wooden floors, acres of land, and a five car garage filled with two Bentleys, a Porsche, and two Yamaha motorcycles. For Percy this house is a dream home, however this isn’t a dream and this isn’t Percy’s home. It belonged to a couple of what appeared to be a tall dark hair man that went by the name of Jim, his supposedly lovely blonde hair, blue eyed wife Jill, and their allegedly t two children. Or so Percy thought as he passed their portraits on the wall, walking down the wooden steps.

Answer 1

You'd make an amazing author, but don't fret about cutting down on the detail. People that would read stuff like this don't care what kind of cars are in the driveway. Well, I don't anyway. But most of it is good :D. I'd be interested enough to keep going. I just think the cars and motercycle thing give it an artificial vibe, like those high school girls that stand around comparing what kind of cars their parents are getting them. Describing them as expensive or something close is way more than what's needed to paint the image of "luxurious" in the reader's mind.

Answer 2

Sorry, I'm afraid I wouldn't. The first thing I noticed was that you have way too many adjectives pasted onto your nouns, enough to impede comprehension, and that you've used unnecessarily wordy constructions at a moment when every word should count. Your opening sentences have a lot of work to do. They can't do it if I'm having to read them two or three times just to figure out what's happening.



Second, you've thrown everything including the kitchen sink (or at least the countertops surrounding it) into a paragraph that needs to immediately establish what's happening and where it's set. There's a strong glowing light shining in through the windows -- a promising beginning -- and then the next thing we know we're reading a real estate listing for the property. This isn't just confusing; it's a letdown. We want to know what's up with that glowing light.



Third, you've switched viewpoints partway through the paragraph. At the beginning, we're in neutral third person. By the end of the paragraph, we're inside Percy's head. To make matters worse, Percy, who was barely waking up in the first sentence, is walking down an unspecified flight of wooden steps only five sentences later. And what is he thinking? Not "I wonder what that strange light was at the window." Instead, he's mulling over stuff he already knows.



Fourth, "supposedly" and "allegedly" are powerful words, which means that when they go wrong, they can go very wrong indeed. For instance, there are only two real possibilities for a woman who's being described as "supposedly lovely." One is that everyone is lying about whether she's lovely, but the narrative voice knows better. The other possibility is that she's literally a shapeshifter. "Allegedly" has similar problems.



If it makes you feel better, stopping dead in my tracks when I'm reading a manuscript is one of my professional skills. I don't have time to keep reading after I've realized that a work isn't up to professional commercial standards. Your sample text here is in fact better than most books I stop reading at the end of the first paragraph.



Hang in there. Everything you need is a learnable skill.

Answer 3

No, sorry. Too much description, and not very well written to tell the truth. More than a bit awkward. Also, I can't tell if you're writing in restricted 3rd person or omniscient 3rd POV. How does Percy know that a man who /appeared/ to be tall and dark haired had a supposedly blonde wife and two children? Also, the constant listing of description is just boring. Is each and every thing you listed absolutely essential to the story? You may love how the house looks but we readers don't. We want to know who Percy is. We want to know what he thinks and feels, not exactly how many cars and of what kind sit in his garage. To hook readers in you need to give us questions. Start with the part about these people. If you are writing in omniscient, you could start 'Sitting up in bed Percy yawned, rubbing his eyes against the rising sunlight before blinking them open, his large, lavish room coming into view. As always it was the rich wallpaper, small birds fluttering across his walls, chocolate brown carpet and diamond studded drapes. He liked to consider himself a good person, but so much wealth started a small fire inside him. Of course, while it was his dream house it didn't actually belong to him. It belonged to Jim and Jill, and their two children he yet had the pleasure to meet. If only Percy had known, just then, that these people were hardly who they claimed to be, and that his dream was soon going to become a nightmare.' Very bad, I know, but you get the point. Why does Percy love rich things? Who are Jim and Jill? Do they have children at all? What's going to happen to Percy? See? Pick up four random books in your room. See how they begin. I'm positive the ones with less description and more questions will be your favorites.

Answer 4

Way too much description. This type of plot doesn't even target readers that would actually care or appreciate what kind of car your character drives. It bored me to tears. It's full of Purple Prose and i couldn't force myself to read the whole thing. Torture.

Answer 5

I like this paragraph very much--I always pay attention to the books with the most detail. Perhaps you could just keep it down a notch--its a bit confusing.

Hope I helped!

Keep writing!

Answer 6

Sorry, but this is a mess. Honest truth is that I'd be very afraid that reading an entire book of this would be torture, so no, I wouldn't read more.

Answer 7

its very good! however i personally wouldnt continue reading since im a picky reader but its good :)

Answer 8

I'd keep reading. Good imagery!

Answer 9

This is hard to read, because you have too much detail.

Answer 10

Good lord, no. Gawd awful!