Tell me how to improve this part of my story?

Question

It's a collection of photographs, poems, and short stories of mine contributing to the content of my book. How can I improve it? I'm not please.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but there comes a time when every “once upon a time” comes to an end. When you look a picture, do you see yourself in the photographer's shoes or in the eye of the artist? Do you begin to tell a story yet to told, sing a song yet to be sung? Do the same words, feelings, perspectives play over inside your mind every time you flash a glance at the picture?
Within the pages of this book lie the secret of a young girl's mind. The words you will come across will hopefully correspond to the illustrations shown. This book is about love and loss, change, finding hope in the smallest, most unimaginable places, and the pursuit of happiness. On the journey through these pages, you will discover the road less travelled.
Every picture is worth a thousand words. With every glance, we see those words, all pure, pristine, definite, sprawled across the page. These are the young girl's mental note of those events.

Answer 1

Haha, you!? Again!?!



Let's look at what you have...



I enjoyed "Within the pages of this..." on. Those were your shining moments and I feel that they speak for themselves (namely, the last three sentences).



Your first half I'm a little iffy on. It's not bad but it could be better. Your first sentence is a little hard to decipher. I see what you're saying (and I feel that any reader will, as well), but you've combined to common phrases that aren't normally found together ("thousand words" and "once upon a time"), it robs the writing of some of its clarity. I'd recommend sticking with one or the other (but try and place a more personal spin on them). I'm not sure how I feel about the three questions, they seem somewhat out of place. Maybe try scrapping the questions portion and re-writing it with more definition and depth to your opener (this might be your chance to put a unique spin on your opener).



I think it just needs a little tweaking and then it's good to go. I take it this is for your memoir?



Cheers.

Answer 2

Very lovely passage as you captivated the character's voice to be wise and has experienced writing and poetry.



However, I have yet to understand what your story is about. From this passage, I see a character wanting to write a book and not sure how to write it. That is a interesting to read because it is not done before and how you go extend the idea to a story would be very good.



A story containing the character's voice in writing a story or poem within a story.





I would suggest keep writing.

Answer 3

Well, I suppose it is quite good a bit rambling and I think some grammar mistakes and words aren't there that should be but very good for a first draft :)

keep writing xx

Answer 4

by throwing it into the trash can.





give up.