Question:
I am writing a book and really want feedback it is romance and adventure. Teen perfect!?
ElzerGrl667
2010-02-06 16:13:45 UTC
I know it's long, but is it something you'd want to read? I am only 11.


Introduction


It was harsh. Having 12 siblings, being the third oldest of 13 kids. How could anyone deal with it!? Of course, by now I was used to it. But still, I hated it.

I’m sorry, let me properly introduce myself. I am Ellea Summers, daughter of 39-year-old Ella Springer, and 41-year-old John Summers. I have two older siblings. Cassian and Cassandra – Cassie for short, age 18, twins. My twin sister is Elleia. We’re both 14. Our closest siblings are younger than us, both girls, and - you guessed it – twins. They are Ellie and Ella, age 12. After them come the 9-year-old quadruplets, Aza, Areida, Ariadne, and Ariaunna. Then comes Luke, the only single child in the family. And last, but not least, Kezi and Zenia, the newborn twins. My life is very hectic – hopefully you can tell, if not, the brain-transplant hospital is looking for you.

This is the story of my life.






























Chapter One

Ditch

“Hello? Anyone home?” I yelled from the echoing doorway. I had just arrived home from a long day of algebra and history at school. Joyous cries greeted me, and Ariaunna toddled into my arms. Elleia stood next to me, silently awaiting the rush of hugs. From the dining room I could hear Kezi’s loud cry and the cool voice of my mother soothing her. Aza screamed and ran at me, nearly knocking me over. A small voice poked up from the bushes.

“El-wee-ha!” Luke cried loudly. He was just learning how to talk properly. The small boy hopped out of the garden and greeted me with a huge smile. Ariaunna rushed away. She was going through the Boys-Are-Cute-Yet-Disgusting Stage. Luke ran quickly to take her place by my side.

I walked slowly into the room as a volcano of kids erupted around me. Elleia followed silently.

When we got to our room I climbed into my bunk without a word.

“Can I come up, too?” Elleia asked quietly. “I won’t touch anything.”

I couldn’t refuse. The soft tinkle of her voice rung in my head as I answered. “You’re always allowed in my bed!”

“Oh.” Elleia muttered. “All right.” She stepped onto the ladder and began to climb. “It’s just that---” She broke off. “Never mind.”

We sat in silence for several minutes, until I couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Elleia?” I began slowly.

“Yes?” She said turning quickly towards me.

“Um…..why weren’t you at school? I mean…why’d you ditch?” It wasn’t like Elleia to skip school. I did it every once in a while, but Elleia was Little Miss Perfect, a teacher’s pet kind of girl!

“I didn’t,” she whispered ferociously, her face flushing bright red with anger and embarrassment. “Where did you hear that!?”

“Um…..Well, you weren’t in History or Biology, and Jessica said you didn’t make it to Choir or Writing either.”


“And you believed her!?” She screamed bewildered. “That rotten, lying---”

“Elleia, hold up! Jess didn’t do anything wrong! But what about history and biology!? How can you explain that!?” I was less than 3 inches from her face.

“Ellea, I was th--- Oh! Hey Cassian! When did you get here?”

Our older brother stepped slowly into the room. “I think you know, Elleia.” He muttered, his voice soft. “What were you two talking about?” He asked, a sudden cheerful tone in his voice. He looked at me, then Elleia, and back to me. “Well…..” He encouraged.

“Oh, nothing. Just girl stuff.” I glared at my sister. “Are you home early? Aren’t you supposed to be working at the Ice Cow?” I giggled softly as I said the name of my favorite ice cream shop. “You said this morning you’d be working late.”

“No…..” Cassian replied slowly. “I never said that, did I?”

“No. But Elleia told me. And I believed her.” I turned toward my sister and said, my voice cold, “Why’d you lie to me?” How was I supposed to know she’d take me seriously!? How was I supposed to know she’d cry!?

Well, my super-sensitive sister did cry. She punched my pillow and wailed, “I didn’t mean to! I just needed to talk to you alone!” And then she started crying again.

“Okay…..” Cassian muttered and looked at me. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No, it’s okay. If you want to leave, go ahead, but you can stay if you’d like.” I replied.

“If you don’t mind I have some homework to attend to……” Cassian whispered.

“Go. I can take a hint.” I answered harshly.


*~*


The next day in school I had music for first period. I absent-mindedly placed my fingers on the strings of my cello. I didn’t even realize I was daydreaming until
Mr. Culbat called on me repeatedly. Whenever he asked a question, I tried to pay attention, but it didn’t work. My mind kept straying to Elleia, who was supposed to be here, but wasn’t. I even played arco when everyone else was in pizzicato position.

“Is everything okay?” Mr. Culbat asked when I failed to answer his question, even after he repeated it 3 times. “Is it beca
Twelve answers:
tracyb8803
2010-02-06 19:37:44 UTC
You are quite talented in your writing skills. I think people will want to read more, however, the name are too confusing and there is too much going on. Just remember KISS "Keep It Simple Stupid." Keep it intriguing, keep your readers wanting more. If you want to write for teens, you should read (or re-read) successful authors like Judy Blume. Best of Luck!
A. Thorne
2010-02-06 16:44:57 UTC
Start with compelling dialogue, action or both. Make a statement that creates questions in the reader's mind that may not be answered for several chapters. Set a ticking clock in motion for a short term goal the POV character has to reach or dire consequences will result. What you have now is a blow by blow information dump which doesn't make me care what happens next.



“Um…..why weren’t you at school? I mean…why’d you ditch?” It wasn’t like Elleia to skip school. I did it every once in a while...



I would start there and work in back story little by little. Also foreshadow the story's conflict concerning why she ditched or why else have the scene?
anonymous
2016-04-07 13:09:51 UTC
I'm pretty sure Maximum Ride by James Patterson is in third person, but I wasn't a huge fan of it (I'm not a fan of James Patterson in general). Another book you may like is Unwind by Neal Shusterman, which I believe is better, but I haven't finished it yet. Just so you are aware, I typically am much more picky when it comes to literature than most people so don't be offended if you've read Maximum Ride and liked it, my friend loves it and for that reason I thought you may like it as well.
TaDaa!
2010-02-06 16:27:56 UTC
I have to agree. Their names are too similar.



This part, "I giggled softly as I said the name of my favorite ice cream shop." Ummm...wtf? I don't know what there is to giggle about when you mention your favorite ice cream shop...and to your own brother? *barf*



I really do hope this is not one of those brother and sister fall in love with each other stories because I definitely will not read it.
soccergyal74
2010-02-06 16:21:49 UTC
whoa.

that was just confusing.

i can't tell whats going on in the conversation between elliea and ellea and cassian.

the names are soo frusterating. stop with them all being so similar ! D;
Anja
2010-02-06 16:38:08 UTC
I thought it was great. I would tottaly read this!



If you dont mind could you answer mine?

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20100206161122AAffMhi
?
2010-02-06 16:28:13 UTC
I like it, but the names are too similar and confusing.
?
2010-02-06 16:19:13 UTC
I like it. It seems like a book I'd read =)



Can someone check out my question: https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20100206155813AAZIvOo
Leen(:
2010-02-06 16:23:00 UTC
This is quite interesting, I wouldn't mind reading more of it.

You got talent! :)
вιℓℓ! вιℓℓ иує тнє ѕ¢ιєи¢є gυу
2010-02-06 16:21:55 UTC
sounds pretty good. but if ur gonna get really serious u should edit it
MariksGrl
2010-02-06 16:42:20 UTC
Its pretty good. exept for the names of course. there to similar and unusual names. Everyone being twins exept for 1 kid? Hm idk
Mrs.McCreery
2010-02-07 08:08:01 UTC
I'D LOVE to read it!


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