I'm writing a book and wanted to know what ppl thought about it? this is part 2?

Question

ok i didn't reliz when i first posted it but the prolog i posted before was cut short and i'm taking on the rest of it now so if u haven't read the first part don't read this u'll get confused. and once again i'm stating this is a very very ruf draft and has a lot of errors and spelling mistakes. but i just want to know what u guys think of it. also just to jive u some back round on me i'm 15 and i love to tell and write short storys but this short story became really big and my friends love to hear me talk about it.

Oh god this must be one of the worst accidents I have seen!
I doubt ant ones still alive after that!
What should I do? First day on the job, and I am so clueless. I don’t know how to help!
Oh no… T he drivers of both vehicles are dead and the passenger of the tiny car is to. I wonder if the car had any one else in it? It will be a miracle if any one else survives.
I could tell these were thoughts, because all I herd, not in my head, but really truly herd. Was a saw, cutting through, crushed metal. Then the saw stopped, and it was completely silent, but the hum of all the thoughts running through my head were still buzzing, with worry, guilt, stress, and a half a dozen other emotions.
Then it hit me. The last thought I herd, and paid attention to. It had said, ` the drivers of both vehicles are dead, and the passenger of the tiny car.’ Oh no! Oh no! Oh no no no! My mom and dad are dead.
“No! No! No!” I cried. I lay there tears running down my cheeks. The pounding in my head seamed to get louder, a hint of surprise, and wryness in their thoughts now, as they herd me sobbing.
What was that! It can’t be... there’s no way some one could have survived that.
After I herd that thought I saw a pitcher of a semi. It was turned on its side flatting the tiny car I had been riding in. there was nothing left to the tiny car.
Could there be… someone else… in there? It’s not possible!
What to do?
Then the screaming, out there, got even louder. I herd people screaming orders at each other. I herd different voices calling different orders.
“Dave get the saw back out! Now! Hurry! “
“Where’s there an EMT?! “
“Get a stretcher out here, a back bored, and a neck brace! Now! “
Then the sound of people yelling orders out at each other was slowly drowned out by the roar of an engine, again. Then I herd the sound of something cutting through the crushed mental, again. I knew they were trying to get me out, but right now I didn’t want out, I wanted to die. How would I go on with out them? Were would I live? How was I going to get through this? Not knowing the answers to any of theses questions, I laid there and cried.
I herd the saw getting closer and closer to were I was. Because the saw was so loud my migraine got worse and worse. The pain now was unbearable; it felt like my head was going to burst open. It didn’t help that there thoughts got louder with stress and worry. I now could tell that the saw was right by my right side, it looked as if they were trying to cut a rectangular door. The saw was almost finished making an opening when the car shifted. As the car moved, and shifted, pieces of metal started to come loose. There was a big piece of sharp metal dangling over my right arm. I prayed that it wouldn’t fall.
The saw had just finished its last cut when the tiny car shifted, again. I could heir peaces of metal scraps falling all around me, but the one over my arm just swayed a little. Then the car shifted again, but this time just a little too much, because the piece, of very sharp metal hanging over my arm, started to fall. I knew it was going to hit me; there was no where for me to move in the tiny space. So I braced my self for the peace of sharp metal. It hit my arm square on; it dug its sharp point in to my forearm. I could feel the peace of metal hit my bone, all I felt was the pressure it put on my arm and the scraping of the metal across my bone, and the hot liquid rolling down my arm. I couldn’t feel any pain. But that wasn’t lived long as soon as it stopped moving the pain came rushing in.
It swallowed me up. I screamed in agony. The thoughts racing threw my head filled with worry, and stress. Then the pain consumed me, it went black I couldn’t see anything. Then once again I lost consciousness.

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theres more i will post the 3rd in a min.

Answer 1

I covered the technical side of things in part one, so I'll just concentrate mainly on the storytelling in this comment.



Once again, I see someone with a lot of enthusiam for writing. So many people find it hard just to get the words out. You have no problems with that. there's room for improvement, but that can be said for everyone, even published authors.



Remember to pay attention to the spell checker selections. More so from this second piece, I can see that you have very good vocabulary skills, just beware of the automatic corrections.



You're writing style is very conversational and if you tighten it up a little, you will find you have a very agreeable 'voice'. It's easy to get drawn into your story. At the moment, it's a little bit scattered. Have you printed it out and read it from a sheet of paper, marking corrections in pen as you go along? This is a great way of editing your work. I've learned that every word in a story should advance the plot, there should be no spare narrative. No rambling.



I'm a little confused as to who's head I'm in. Can you hear someone else's thoughts? the first few lines above have me baffled.

Answer 2

not undesirable. i admire your type of writing. There are somewhat spelling blunders right here and there yet that doesn't advise you may not write. i think of Seth's character could be somewhat unrealistic. Make him think of much less. reason think of roughly it.. do you certainly think of like that for the period of your techniques all of the time. No no person does. So thats it i think of. Oh and that i hv an concept.. perhaps as a replace of only having the ability to "pay attention to techniques" perhaps she would manage to additionally advance the potential of seeing pictures in peoples brains or perhaps she would manage to renowned their previous or their secrets and techniques only by way of looking of their eyes or something like tht. i desire i've got helped =)

Answer 3

Again really nice but It would be better if you made the spelling changes and put it into paragraphs.

Answer 4

is this the beginnig? sorry. but it was kinda confusing