How is the book i'm writing coming along so far?

Question

Chapter 1

“Get the doctor we’re losing him!” the frantic nurse yelled in the dark operating room at Prairie Ridge Hospital.
“Clear!”
Nothing, as the steady beeping of a healthy heart turned into a flat line alert.
“Clear!” the nurse tries again to restart the heart of the man lying in front of her.
Beep, Beep, Beep.
“We got him, make sure he is getting oxygen” said the nurse to the three other nurses in the room.
“What is the status?” said Doctor Kyle Hanson, as he was bursting into the room.
“Lost all vital functions and flat lined for about 20 seconds, he seems to be stable after the shocks” said the nurse to the doctor now inspecting the body.
“Keep someone on him, watch for drop in blood pressure”, Dr. Hanson said to one of the nurses standing over the operating table, “Kathy, check brain response, I am going to inform the family.”

Standing in the waiting room was a 30 year old tall, dark haired man, wearing a green and white hoodie and worn-out jeans. He had a clean shaved face with dark brown eyes that were red from hours without sleep. Across the room from him was a 37 year old small petite woman, who looked as though she had not slept in days, with sunken eyes and deep wrinkles around her mouth. She had strawberry blonde hair down to her mid-back, and wearing a blue sweater with green pants that didn’t match. She stared at the wall lost in her thoughts, not knowing if she should even be here or not.
The doctor entered the room and gave them a smile and set down his clipboard. “Hello, please take a seat. I’m Doctor Kyle Hanson, I performed the surgery on the patient”, said Dr. Hanson after closing the door to the small waiting room. “I have good news and bad news. His heart stopped about 15 minutes ago.”
“God dammit!” said the young man slamming his fist down before Dr. Hanson could finish what he was saying.
“But, we have managed to get him to recover and he is in a stable condition as of now. We have nurses watching him as we speak” Said the doctor in a comforting tone, “He should be ok, although he did break his neck from the fall, but should recover. I would hope…”
“Doctor” said a nurse interrupting the doctor, who had slightly opened the door, “I need to talk to you.”
“Please excuse me” said the doctor as he exited to the hall to speak with the nurse.
“He is dead. We can’t get him to stabilize, his heart failed and the lack of blood to the brain has cause to much damage. There is nothing we can do” said the nurse in a soft voice as if trying to keep anyone from hearing her, “I’m sorry doctor” she said in a lower voice, “I’m sorry”. She began walking away from the man standing in a hallway about to inform family they have lost a loved one.
Dr. Hanson had never had to tell anyone of his patients had died, and he never planned on it. He gathered himself and wiped the bead of sweat sliding down his forehead and went into the room.
“I’m sorry sir, ma’am” said Dr. Hanson walking back into the room, trying to put a face of assurance.
Which looked more like he had was trying not to cry. “That was one of my nurses” the doctor said, who at this point was lost in thought about what to say “I wish I knew a better way to inform you, but, your husband has suddenly died. He had a heart attack and lost circulation to the brain. They did everything they could. I’m sorry.”
The frail woman looked as though she was not understanding what the doctor had said and stared at him.
Without showing any emotion of pain, sorrow, or suffering she said, “Excuse me, I have to make a phone call” the lady said as she got up to leave.
Looking back over her shoulder, she said “It wasn’t your fault.” And exited the room.

Answer 1

You have some good action here - and a really good hook, so kudos on that. The first thing I notice with this is that you write it in a really passive voice. What you want to do is challenge yourself to write it in an active voice and that will really make it pop. Here's a website to explain what I mean:



http://www.towson.edu/ows/activepass.htm



For instance you could say something like:

A tall, dark haired man in his thirties stood in the waiting room. His face was clean shaven but his eyes were red from hours without sleep.



It's really not important to describe what people are wearing. It's more important to give a visual in the reader's mind of how they feel. Too much description slows the action down. I'd be interested in knowing this character's name too, unless he's not coming back in the story? It might be good to have him interact with the red head a little, just my opinion. This seems too short for a chapter.



Actually is there any reason these characters don't have names? You say 'the man' and then 'the man' again which is repetitious. By not giving them names I don't really care about his death. Take out 'if you will.' It's not necessary and if you address the reader, it pulls them out of the story.



Not bad so far, good luck with it!

Answer 2

I haven't written anything substantial since March. I'm only 48 hours away from getting my first laptop. But in the past 8 years? Three 300,000+ word novels, 15 more books on tap, 13 complete, yet unpublished. Many more being dreamed up and written down for future reference. :0)

Answer 3

It seems cliche, but its not, which is not a good thing. Your writing is boring and the action packed opening is the opening for every assassin book ive ever read. Also 15 minutes without air to the brain would cause mental health problems

Answer 4

I'm not relating to your characters (you haven't developed them yet) and your writing is a bit trite. Write about something you know well. Put some of yourself itnto it, find your passion, paint a picture with words, read some good books for inspiration (Great Books collection - or Junior Great Books). Keep working on your writing skills, take a writing workshop class.

Answer 5

Flowery, contradictive prose.



Needs a lot of editing and I do not have the time.

Answer 6

I'm sorry, I didn't make it very far. Your writing is quite dull and lifeless.