Question:
How does my story sound so far?
The Dude
2008-09-03 12:05:04 UTC
Hey everyone, how does this sound so far? It's a start for me and I'm hoping to continue on to a long series of novels. I love writing, but my grammar might not be so good, so any suggestions or changes you think I should make then by all means, please let me know. Thanks!



Early one foggy morning, an old man went for one of his daily walks along the base of the Trivaldi Mountains. He did this everyday and his bones would hurt, but he knew the walk was good for him and pressed through the pain. His grey beard swayed from side to side with each step. He sat down on top of a small boulder, pulled off his boot, and held it upside down, allowing a small rock to fall out. He struggled to put the boot back on, but finally managed. He looked around. The Forest of the Ancients was as thick and ominous as ever with the fog looming inside it, but that was where he lived and he was use to it. He had never sat on that rock before, but now he realized it was quite nice. He turned to look at the enormous mountain behind him; his body was too weak to climb it, at least now it was. Back in his prime he would have been able to scale it with no problem at all.

He hated thinking about how old he was and how he would never be able to enjoy things as he once did. He lived a simple life in his small cottage hidden within the Forest. People would rarely visit him, and those that do were usually dwarfs. Although he did enjoy the dwarfs company, he wished he could see his old friends again. He had shared some great adventures with them, but ever since the Holy Order decreed that any who use or poses magic of any sort will be punished by death, it put a hamper on their relationship. Everyone he knew had gone into hiding, the last he heard from them was about fifteen years ago.

He noticed a small dirt path that gently sloped up the mountain. He hoisted himself up and began to walk up it. With an occasional break, it turned out to be an easy enough climb for him. The higher he went, the more breathtaking the view became. He sat down on the dirt path and looked out towards where his home would be. The Forest looked like a sea of green as it stretched as far as his eyes can see, which is pretty far. He made a mental note to climb this hill more often. He pulled off a small leather skin full of water from his belt and took a swig. He then dug out his cloth wrapped breakfast, cheese and a small loaf of bread. He knew he had to return to his cottage soon, because the dwarfs would be showing up around noon with more supplies. The dwarfs were very nice to provide him with these. Ox, the King under the Mountain, was very generous and often provided him with food he would not be able to get on his own.

A small dark object caught his eye. He looked to the left and saw a small black book lying hidden inside a crevice in the mountain wall. He fished it out, and immediately knew it was made of powerful magic. The book had an aura of darkness about it; it seemed to pulse in his hand as though it were alive. It was odd that such a random item would be hidden out there. He opened it and flipped through the pages, they were all blank, except for the first page. He put on his spectacles and began reading.

It read: “Do you crave power above any other?”

That was all? He wondered what it meant. He sat and pondered over it for quite a while until the sun was up and the fog had dispersed. He stuffed the book in his robes and hurried back to his home. He had to put on some tea before his guests arrived.

Inside his cottage he built up the embers in his fireplace and brought them back to a healthy crackling flame. He put on a kettle of tea above the fire and dug out some loaves of bread and some honey. He cleaned out his pockets, laying the water skin by the door and the leftover food on the table. The book he pulled out caught his attention. He looked at it again and opened it.

“Do you crave power above any other?” he read out loud.

Suddenly there came a knock on the door. He tossed the book onto his bed and rushed to answer it. There were three dwarfs with large packs on their back. All three seemed to look a lot like each other. They were obviously young dwarfs because their beards only went as low as their waist. The two dwarfs in the back looked almost identical, they both had brown eyes, thick eyelashes, and both of their beards looked unkempt. The dwarf in front was slightly shorter then the other two and he had bright blue eyes and metal beads in his braided beard.

“Ahh, Master Ozax, the King blesses me with the presence of his young prince.” His beard brushed the ground as he bowed as low as his aching bones would let him.

“Greetings master Moruth,” the dwarf in front said as he bowed. Then he motioned to the two dwarfs behind him. “I’d like to introduce you to my two cousins, Tibbels and Torvold.” The other two dwarfs bowed.

“Welcome friends,” the old man said cheerfully, “please come in and sit, I’ve lain o
Four answers:
Miranda P
2008-09-03 12:13:55 UTC
It's actually a little boring. I couldn't get very far. Try revising to make it flow more and use sensory language.



Sorry!

Good Luck!
corti
2016-09-07 05:16:44 UTC
Grammatical mistakes are all in the course of this factor, however that is already been mentioned. Take a while to cautiously write and rewrite this till the grammar is close-ideal. BUT...you do not must be a stickler whilst you are writing when you've acquired an inspiration simply spewing out of your fingertips. Just ensure you repair them later. The important hassle this is man or woman believability. Imagine your self on this man or woman's situation. If you have been in a play, might you rather overlook your possess title? Would you rather overlook that this individual wasn't in love with you? No, commonly no longer, except you are critically competent to flee fact. Who is your viewers? By that, I imply to whom is that this man or woman speaking to? She says, "My title is Lyla." Well, in YOUR brain, do you introduce your self to your self? No. So that implies that she is telling the tale to anybody. But does she rather have to introduce herself while she is being addressed by means of the director? The repetition is senseless. Here's what you will have to do: upload plenty extra element. Describe the colours, the scents, the textures. SHOW us what you imply with out TELLING us. You do a well process explaining how her legs are like jello as a substitute of getting her let us know that she likes him, however now take the ones pics additional. EVERYONE says that their legs "flip to jello." It's a average cliche in our language for a few purpose. Make it new! Have a few a laugh! "My arms have been raining sweat and my knees shook like jello in an earthquake." It's no longer my satisfactory sentence, however do you spot how a lot more exciting that sounds than, "My arms have been sweaty and my legs grew to become to jello?" As for it being cliche...yeah, it's. But that is k, considering the fact that such a lot matters are cliched this present day. If you feel approximately it, nearly each and every unmarried "well booklet inspiration!" has been performed earlier than. So how do you're making it extraordinary? The main points. So we now have noticeable the institution play romance earlier than. Make it in order that it is your possess! That's the truly trick. If you'll be able to have a tale that stands proud as your possess, and persons can say, "Oh, did you learn that tale approximately such-and-such? No, no longer that one, the only with this-and-this! This one is such a lot bigger!" Think of it this manner: "West Side Story" is rather simply "Romeo and Juliet." They're nearly precisely the identical in the case of the elemental plot line, however the main points are what lead them to extraordinary! I wish that makes a few experience.... I wish this is helping you a little. If you may have every other questions, consider unfastened to invite me!
2008-09-03 12:13:29 UTC
Wow Man ! Thats pretty amazing ! Nothing you could do to change it ! x x

Have you had some experice in this sort of thing ! x

Best of luckk ! You should try an get it published ! x x x
Oona O
2008-09-03 12:14:05 UTC
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