Question:
Do you think this needs more description? - give me your opinion.?
Joss
2012-05-18 12:51:18 UTC
Ha! I dont' know if it's just too boring or what?? I'm finding it hard to get feedback on it. Q's in the title. And, let me know if you think it's a boring or slow start.
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Loud whizzing came from my pocket and got louder the longer I let it go on. Cell phones always annoy me, because in case you hear it the first time, phone manufacturers want to make sure everyone else hears it the second time.

“You should turn off your cell phone,” Sharon said from across the table. She smiled and glanced at the other tables and gave off a small sigh when she turned back to me. “Well?”

I took the phone out of my pocket and looked at the number: Unknown. Anyone calling me on an untraceable phone wouldn’t have an unknown number. Chances of it being the wrong number were nil. I hesitated about answering because I knew how the authorities were. They’d be here quicker than it took Sharon to look around to see if anyone was annoyed by my ringing phone.

“Let me take this,” I say to her. I winked when she bounced back in her chair and folded her arms. “It’s important.”

“Ted,” she called out, but I pivoted and walked away.

The phone station sat in another room. As I walked past the waiters in their fancy black and white tuxedos and waitresses in their black dresses and hair pulled back into buns, I was already thinking about what’s going to happen next. Either I’d been caught or maybe it was one of my contacts calling. But that wouldn’t be right.

An exit sign flickered green to my right and I knew of another one in the back of the restaurant, past the lounge and through the hallway with the funny curtains. The only other exit was the front doors, and I wouldn’t be going through those if shi.t came up. For the first time, I paid attention to the windows. If need be, I’d be crashing through one of those suckers; I always wondered if it would be like the movies where I’d land clean on my feet, unbruised, with two guns cock.ed in my hands.

The red phone station was waiting for me. I walked inside and shut and locked the heavy, brown plastic doors. Breadcrumbs dotted the wooden bench. I needed to find out who had my cell number and why they were calling me from an unlisted number. I brought up the phone again and saw it was a video message. No lie, I breathed a sigh of relief.

The phone dock sat in front of me, I loaded my phone into it, pressed the video message, and delayed the activation time by 5 seconds so I could step back to the bench.

A circle in the middle of the floor shot up streams of muted white light, and seconds later, flashes of color streamed through. Then words formed: Delpunk Technologies swirled red, green, and purple in the center of the lights before disappearing.

A loud beep signaled the message was about to begin in five, four, three, two …

The white lights disappeared and an opaque image of a woman appeared, smiling, shoulders straight, sitting in front of a bookcase. My mother.

My jaw set and I cock.ed my head. My heart rate sped up and sent out waves of convulsions that settled in my arms; my fingers twitched, ready to feel the full impact of the jolts.

There was no reason for my mother to call unless it was a dire emergency.

Her thin lips smiled at the camera, increasing the wrinkles around them. Her hair was grayer than the last time I remembered it, but it was still in her trademark low bun and long bang. The DelPunk technology was top grade in this place. Even mom’s eyes looked exactly the misty gray I remembered, and twinkled as she stared at the wall behind me. She put her hand to her mouth and coughed twice and then she spoke.

“Solice, this is your mom speaking.”

Just like her. She leaves a video message and has to remind me that it’s her. I chuckled.

“I’m sorry that I haven’t spoken to you in a few years, but…”

Now my heart pounded and I balled and unball my fists. I couldn’t take my eyes off the person in front of me. Not even if I wanted to.

“We need to see each other. Now. I can’t give you the details, but we need to see each other. I know that you’re on the run, but this is important, Solice. We need to talk. You know the number. Call me.”
Five answers:
?
2012-05-20 01:34:16 UTC
I got your question from the guy writing about gold fish. Yep, you know how to write.
2012-05-21 03:51:09 UTC
To be honest, in the middle it gets quite boring. But the ending is interesting. Your character sounded mature in the first part, but then later when he uses obscenity, it sounds really weird. Cut out those words, they don't match the tone. And you have mixed up tenses. You should always stick with one tense.



“Let me take this,” I say to her. I winked when she bounced back in her chair and folded her arms. “It’s important.”



You should instead say, "Let me take this," I told her. I winked when...



Now my heart pounded and I balled and unball my fists.



Should be "unballed my fists" (I'm not sure if unball is a word either.)



In my opinion, I think you are being too descriptive. When you are describing you need to sound a little poetic to have the reader interested. Like here,



The police were summoned, and the whole of Little Hangleton had seethed with shocked curiosity and ill-disguised excitement. Nobody wasted their breath pretending to feel very sad about the Riddles, for they had been most unpopular. Elderly Mr. and Mrs. Riddle had been rich, snobbish, and rude, and their grown-up son, Tom, had been, if anything, worse. All the villagers cared about was the identity of their murderer — for plainly, three apparently healthy people did not all drop dead of natural causes on the same night. (From Harry Potter)



I think every writer who wants to get published should compare his work with Harry Potter and Twilight, regardless they like it or not. And your tone sounds quite dull. It sounds mature but when I read it, it sounded dull. In the above excerpt, the tone isn't dull at all.



Having said all that, I don't know how successful this would be--if published. But I don't think this has potential to get past an agent. But I could be wrong.
Peter
2012-05-18 13:33:38 UTC
Your writing style suits my reading pace. I really like this sample and think you have a natural writing talent. I rarely see dialogue written so smoothly like yours -- usually people either force the words and make it awkward, or just use unrealistic words that their character would never say based on their personality traits.



Good luck to you, and I'm sure you'll be published one day. Post more on here, and I'd be glad to help.
Sarah
2012-05-18 13:03:38 UTC
It's written nicely and enjoyable to read; also well-paced and appears like an interesting story. I can't see anything that needs improving (aside from slight personal preferences).
?
2012-05-18 13:18:24 UTC
I don't care for a lot of description and you've written this to my liking. And I think the pace is excellent. I would read more.


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