Is this good writing?

Question

The foggy darkness that was sleep slipped away. I was suddenly aware of the warm rays of morning light on my eyelids. I opened my eyes, blinking several times.

The bright light burned my eyes and i hid away under my covers. I sat up and looked around my bedchamber.

The stone walls stretched up as if they had also just awoken. Te wooden planks of the floor squeaked under my bed's weight shifting. A fire had been lit in the fire place. It warmed the cold morning.

I got out of bed, wrapping my arms around myself. The wooden planks squeaked some more.

Suddenly there was a knock. "M'lady! Are you awake?" Callia called.

"Yes." I called back. "You may enter." The door creaked open and the plump, short woman entered my bedchamber.

"Come, my dear." She beckoned me to my vanity chair. I sat in from of the mirror. My petite and thin frame reflected back at me. My hazel eyes were still squinting through the morning light.

Unfortunately, since i had only just awoken, my hair was matted into a maze of dark brown knots. "My, my, your hair is so thick." Callia murmured as she raked the comb through my stubborn curls.

As usual, my mind rested into its dazing world. I gazed into my mirror. *i wonder if a mirror could be a portal to another world! It must be possible, for it is so curious.*

"After you finish getting ready, your mother and his Lord wish to see you and your siblings in the chapel." She patted my shoulder. "M'lady?"

"Hm?" I broke my daze. "Im sorry?" I asked.

"Go see you mother, father, and siblings i the chapel before your lessons." She repeated with a sigh. "You must stop putting your pretty little head in the clouds. I real lady never lets her mind wander. She puts it to use of knowledge." I rolled my eyes.

"Of course." I replied. *nobody understands.*

Answer 1

I really like it, it's interesting and I want to keep reading :)

Answer 2

Hey, "it's a work in progress", as they say! Also, I finally get why-for of the asterisks. Smart move, since Y.A. doesn't offer the option of italics. Now, as to your writing...



I'm not saying Passive Voice is a literary sin, but you must avoid it when it isn't necessary. Active Voice is the mode for keeping the reader's focus with the least amount of words. USE it! Instead of "The foggy darkness that was sleep slipped away." Try, "The foggy darkness of sleep lifted." That's just one example.



Good Grammar is your FRIEND! So is Spell Check! If you're using MS Word, or any reputable Word Processing Program for that matter, there is usually BOTH Grammar Check and Spell Check available through the tool bar. In fact, find a book on your particular processor. I learned more from my copy of Microsoft XP For Dummies than through my owners manual.



I recommend reading two additional books. Elements of Style by William Strunk, and then On Writing Well by William Zinsser I mean, hey, you gotta know HOW to fix all those crazy-unheard-of errors that'll pop up!



Now, for the things which the computer WON'T catch.



Go see you mother, father, and siblings i the chapel before your lessons." She repeated with a sigh. "You must stop putting your pretty little head in the clouds. I real lady never lets her mind wander.



Do you see them? The letters, i and I, might make it passed a spell or grammar checker, since it isn't a misspelling or misstated word. It's just the letter i. Here is the best advice I can offer. Proofread everything, and NOT at 300 wpm. SLOW DOWN. It's incredibly hard to take seriously, any piece of work, with even ONE spelling error. LEARN TO WRITE A GRAMMATICALLY PERFECT MANUSCRIPT.



READ-READ-READ-READ-READ-READ-READ-READ...get the point? As a reader, you read for the experience of what the writer offers in the way of a story. BUT, as a writer, you read because you want to remind yourself of what is, "Bought and paid for" writing!



I also recommend two books: Elements Of Style by William Strunk Jr., and the other is entitled On Writing Well. One teaches how to write in general, while the other concentrates on Business writing. These two books together will show HOW to write well.



Now, WHAT you write is up to you. However, one thing I learned early is even the best idea for a story will drive a reader nuts if he/she is all over each paragraph, wondering what you're trying to say.

Answer 3

It's good, but let me help you tweak it to make it better. Already from this, we get an idea of the setting, time period, status, appearance. I had a hard time figuring out if the story is going to be in past tense or present, though. Personally, I prefer present tense.



"I opened my eyes, blinking several times."(this sentence needs to be corrcted, also)

CORRECTED:

Blinking several times, I open my eyes, or I blinked several times, and opened my eyes.



When describing anything, always make it into one paragraph, and try not to go so IN DEPTH (like Stephanie Meyer books).



When describing how's something is said after someone talks, and it can end with a period (like "I'm coming," Mindy says with heaviness), put a coma instead of a period. For example, Instead of this:



"He's gone. My baby's gone." Grace says with a empty voice, and eyes filled with tears that wouldn't fall.

Do this:

"He's gone. My baby's gone," Grace says with a empty voice, and filled with tears that wouldn't fall. (Notice the coma instead of the period.)



TIP:

Whenever you write, use a thesaurus as often as possible to make mundane words sound more scholarly but still decipherable.









SENTENCES THAT I PERSONALLY FINE-TUNED: (feel free to change it to past-tense if you'd like):



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My sleep, a comfortable foggy darkness, slips out of my grasp, as I'm suddenly aware of the warm rays of morning sunlight peircing painlessly through my eyelids. Blinking several times, I open my eyes to a bright light that burned through my drowsy pupils, causing me to hide under my covers.



I sit up fast and look around my bedchambers.



The stone walls rise upward as if steching after a perfect nap. As the wooden planks of the floor squeak under my bed's weight shifting, I notice the fire crackling in the fire place. It warmed the crisp, chilly morning.



I get out of bed, wrapping my arms around myself. The wooden planks squeak some more.



Suddenly there's a knock. "M'lady! Are you awake?" Callia, my nurse, calles from the opposite side of the door.



"Yes," I call back, "You may enter." The door creaks open, and a plump, short woman enters my bedchamber.



"Come, my dear," she beckons me to my vanity chair. I sit in front of the mirror. My petite and thin frame reflected back at me. My vibriant brown and emarld green hazel eyes are still squinting against the morning light, trying to adjust.



Unfortunately, since I have only just awoken, my hair was matted into a maze of dark brown knots. "Why does your hair have to be so coarse?" Callia sighs as she raked the comb through my stubborn curls. My mind resided into its usual dazing world.



I gaze at my reflection. *What if a mirror is me in an opposite world, doing what I do, but reflected? What if it's its a portal to another world, and wejust haven't figured out how to get o the other side.*



A million possiblities race through my head, and I perhapas I can hear Callia in the background.



I feel a pat on my shoulder, yanking me out of my blissful world.



"Hmm?" I brake my daze, "Sorry?"



"Go see you mother, father, and siblings i the chapel before your lessons," she repeats with more sterness than I assume was the first time. My nurse sighs and says, "You must stop putting your pretty little head in the clouds. I real lady never lets her mind wander. She puts it to use of knowledge."



"Of course." I reply simply, keeping my expression as blank as possible.



Mentally, I roll my eyes and shake my head. *She doesn't understand,* I think to myself, *no one does.*





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I personally enjoyed rewriting your story. If you ever want me to do it, send me chunks little by little, and I'll do it for free. Email: [e-mail]

Answer 4

It's a little excessive with the details, almost to the point of where it seems to substitute for real plot.

Put yourself in the shoes of the reader; would you want to read a story of all details? Or story?



Best wishes!

Answer 5

The early mention of the narrator's hair color and texture, petite and thin frame and eye color when these facts are not relevant sends the Mary Sue bells a-jingling.

Answer 6

This is a very descriptive writing piece that will attract listeners like magnets. I really enjoyed it. You are a very good author, you would totally make it in the business.

Answer 7

Well it's full of cliches, waking up, looking in the mirror and describing herself. Satire I assume?

Answer 8

It is really good but there are some misspellings and grammar problems. And thoughts should be italicized, not put between *astrics*.

Answer 9

The others above me said it perfectly. They said exactly what I was thinking when I read this.