Do you like this murder scene description?

Question

I posted this about an hour ago, so I apologize for the repeat, but I only got two answers before, so I'd like to see if I could get a few more. This is rather long, so you definitely don't have to read it all! (:

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- - - It was so familiar -- the man felt the same chills running down his spine, though they weren't caused by the sinister act he was about to perform.
- - - Darkness lurked behind each wall of the extravagant mansion, and murder hung in the air like a thick fog, creeping through the city of Eastmoor until it finally engulfed it completely. The man, dressed in the black cloak he wore for each pernicious occasion, knew the act of murder well, along with the thrilling chills it brought along.
- - - He pulled the long, narrow red dagger from the concealed pocket of his cloak as he looked down upon his sleeping victim. In the bed lay a young woman of profound beauty, her nightgown of high quality and expense, with gems sparkling on the thin silk cloth. The intruder smiled behind his mask, knowing it would be only a moment before the perfectly sharpened blade of his knife would strike her skull, tear through her flesh, and stab one of the most vital organs in the body. The act would leave her no time to wake nor scream. His lips curled into a sneer again, though this time at the thought of soaking her pretty little nightgown in a pool of dark red blood, the soft white silk being smeared with the thick liquid.
- - - The killer's hands shook with excitement as he raised the dagger, his expression that similar of a madman's. His eyes stared at his peaceful victim -- he watched all of them die. Each murder he committed, his eyes watched every second of their deaths, savouring the moments until their last breaths. The masked killer never failed to finish his job, though, by ensuring that each person was dead before fleeing.
- - - Taking a long, deep breath, the killer's eyes narrowed in on the woman from behind his black mask, his muscles tensing, his heart racing. He swung his arm down, dagger in hand, and watched as it sliced into her skull, the blood pouring almost instantly from her gash. Immediately, the woman's eyes opened, but the killer continued thrusting the pointed knife into her head. A faraway look formed in her eyes, but the man didn't stop. He continued violently and angrily stabbing at the dead body, watching as the blood flowed heavily from her many wounds. His insanity was evident, and he knew it, but that simple fact was nothing to his need for killing.
- - - The bedsheets were drenched, along with the woman's nightgown, which brought the intruder satisfaction. Blood dripped from the bed onto the wood floors, surrounding the killer's shoes. He paid no mind to the mess, for he didn't care -- he was staring at the once beautiful body that was now mangled and bloody. The sight would be stomach-churning and disturbing to some, the killer knew, but not to him. He wished he could stay with the body -- look at it -- but he couldn't, for it was only midnight and he had other places to be -- other people to see.

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Sorry that was so long. Anyway, what did you think? Again, I'm not too sure I like it. But anyway, thank you for reading and hopefully commenting! (:

Answer 1

I read it all, and it was pretty damn good. I usually lose interest after the first paragraph or so on these questions, but this really kept my attention. I liked how you described everything- the details were neither too vague or too overbearing- and I liked the pacing of this. I felt like I was right there inside the murderer's head, with a front row seat to the action. Also, for some reason, I really like this sentence:



"The intruder smiled behind his mask, knowing it would be only a moment before the perfectly sharpened blade of his knife would strike her skull, tear through her flesh, and stab one of the most vital organs in the body."

Answer 2

This seems really wordy to me and in some places you almost slip from third person to first person She considered it. It would be easy, just let go. Annika would come back up… but then what she do? Live? If Annika lived, she would be sure to make an attempt on Trish’s life. If she lived, people would know what Trish had tried to do, what was in her heart. But most of all, if the freak lived, there would always be something in the way of Trish’s happiness. Annika deserves this. She’s practically been begging me to do this for years. And Trish believed herself. Also, I don't understand why her hands are bloody--- there's nothing here to say why-- is it mentioned prior to this scene? I like the main idea and it's not terribly written. Just some polishing for grammar,wordiness, etc. The wordiness is what's distracting it from being intense. Maybe if you don't tell us it's Trish right away. Tell it from Annika's point of view and she needs to struggle more. The last time she comes up for air-- she catches a glimpse of Trish...

Answer 3

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Answer 4

I liked it but try changing some of the words and add more senses like smell and hearing. they could add a little more. It didn't really make me feel like i REALLY wanted to read it but it was good...

Answer 5

That was slightly disturbing, but well written. I might be wrong, since I only skimmed it, but I think you repeat the word red several times. Consider changing that to scarlet or ruby or something different.

Answer 6

I read it all, I really like it :) Keep writing:)

Answer 7

awesome <3

Answer 8

i didn't read it but it looked long enough to be good.

i hope this answers your question

Answer 9

that was amazing