Can someone edit my query for my YA novel?

anonymous

2012-12-21 07:22:05 UTC

Yes, it does need work, but that you are missing some of the red flags makes me think your novel isn't ready for submission yet either. The first sentence would probably cause most agents or publishers to skip the rest. It's passive and has an adverb in it. The second sentence has an extra word with no purpose for finished writing.

We only get one shot, so first impressions are everything. I think you would be greatly helped by reading a few books by Noah Lukeman. His book "The First Five Pages: A Writer's Guide To Staying Out of the Rejection Pile" will teach you what I mean about that first paragraph and quite a bit about what you'll need to look for in your manuscript. (I know queries aren't the manuscript, but publishers and agents are judging us by the first thing they read by us and this shows what is probably missing out of your manuscript too.)

His book "How to Write a Great Query Letter: Insider Tips and Techniques for Success" will teach you how to write a killer query.

You might want to check out some of his other books to see if others can help you with your writing too. And you might want to check out the guidelines for length of novels. 106,000 words isn't the way to do word count for a novel and it's too many words for a first YA novel. Only the pros can write one that long.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but all I can think is "we only get one shot." I know we'll get plenty of rejection slips, simply because that gatekeeper that day doesn't like our manuscript, but knowing how to write it and then present it gives us the best chance of receiving the acceptance. So, good luck.

Brian

2012-12-21 06:39:46 UTC

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

I have recently completed writing a Young Adult novel. The target audience ranges from (lower age) to (upper age). It fits within medical/science fiction or urban fantasy genres.

I have included the opening several pages, an outline, and the final pages for you to determine if my novel is a good fit for your agency.

Fifteen-year-old Evan Thomas was born with a highly specialized blood disorder. He just doesn't’ know it. Neither do the team of doctors who have been treating him for the past several months - at least that’s what they’ve told him.

Kept secret from the world, the blood disorder affects only a handful of the population, and the manifestations it evokes are unique to each of the eight blood types. Some can produce substances through their skin, allowing them to climb walls and spit acid. Some can morph into great beasts, while others have skulls so thick, a bullet cannot penetrate through. Evan’s blood ranks him among an elite class of healers - precisely why those men in black are so desperate to have him.

But when two faceless carriers - a black-hooded man and a woman concealed behind her scarf and sunglasses - appear ready in the wings to emancipate him, the hospital won’t let him go easy.

Evan soon finds himself thrown in the mix of a ravaging chase, not for him, but for the girl known by [INSERT TITLE]. She is the only carrier of her kind. Born with the rarest blood, she is hunted by the clans hell-bent on consuming her and her abilities. But an unusual dilemma stands to hold them all back: no one knows what she looks like, or what she is truly capable of, that is, no one except for Evan.

Completed at 106,000 words, [INSERT TITLE] is a fast-paced, urban fantasy novel and I am excited to have you read it.

As per your submission guidelines, I have pasted --yadayadayada--. Hope to hear back from you soon. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

My Name

Piratemom

2012-12-21 07:33:10 UTC

This is WAY better than my first query. You are right,it does need work, but you are off to a good start.

I think your first paragraph can stand as it is. It introduces the character, tells us what makes him special, and hints at a conflict (the doctors are lying to Evan)

Then next paragraph is an information dump. You need to sum all that up in 1 sentence of 25 words or less. "What the doctors know, and Evan doesn't, is that his blood makes him the prefect government agent" (that was terrible, it's not my book, but you get the idea.) Then move on with the conflict. Why does Evan want to get out of the hospital?

Never say "ravaging" Never say "thrown into the middle of". Don't tell us that book is fast-paced, show us. Why does Evan want to save the girl? What does HE DO to save her? (If all this is stuff he's in the middle of but doesn't have a major effect on, you've got a novel problem.)

I recommend the site "Query Shark". You can see many examples of "winning" queries, and gt your work critiqued (maybe) by a pro.

Good luck.

Don't say "faceless carriers" unless they actually have no faces. Everybody does "mysterious" They're like Evan. They help him get away. Then what happens?

cirque de lune

2012-12-21 07:23:39 UTC

Here are the thoughts I had while reading this:

- Four paragraphs is way too long for the summary. You have to get it down to more like two graphs.

- Your first graph confused me. If he doesn't know that he was born with a specialized disorder, then why does he have a team of doctors treating him? Do you mean to say he knows there's something different about him but doesn't understand exactly what? If that's what you mean, you need to explain that.

- Your descriptions of the various "powers" people have are not really necessary. It's enough to say the condition gives people various supernatural abilities. On that note, I wouldn't keep calling it a disorder because that has a negative tone.

- You have a lot of cliches in here. People are "hell-bent" on finding the heroine. His escorts are "ready in the wings" to take him.

- Finally, you need to cut the line about you being excited to have an agent read it. Everyone is excited to get an agent to read a novel. I would also cut fast-paced because that's implied in by the plot. Just call it YA urban fantasy.

Take out "as per your submission guidelines." Just say what else you included and they'll know you followed their directions.

Honestly, the part about how to chase a girl when they don't know what she looks like stood out to me as the strongest hook. If I were querying this, I would start with Evan being needed to look for her and then expand to explain that she has a strange power.

Good luck.

Joss

2012-12-21 13:26:54 UTC

I think the first paragraph is okay and interesting. The second paragraph starts okay, but then I find out that all they have are supernatural abilities that I've seen before (yes, including the acid spit). My problem, and it might just be me, is that you build it up to sound very unique and I get excited about it and then I find out that these super abilities are pretty normal. I'm not knocking your idea or trying ot sound mean and I"m definitely not telling you that your novel is generic. I don;'t know because I've never read it. I'm just critiquing what you've written in the query and sometimes our queries can be utter crap and, like youv'e mentioned, don't do our novel justice. So, don't take this as personal comments against your novel, it's just the query that I"m critiquing.

I think it's too much unnesessary info contained in those two paragraphs and you can condense it down and tighten it and not lose the essence of what you want to say.

Though, I'm kind of torn on it. In a way, I think you need these details to show how unique your novel is.

Lets move on to teh 3rd paragraph. This also contains unnecessary info. No one needs to know what the bad guys were wearing when tehy kidnapped evan. It's irrelavant. BTW, Emancipate him from what?? His parents? You need to make this clear because this isn't how I'd use this word in this sentence.

the fourth paragrpah is pretty good and made me interested again.

Overall, this novel is a complete jumble. I don't get a firm sense of the plot or what it's about. You need to make this clearer. Your grammar needs work.

try this for teh next novel you write: Write your query letter and synopsis before you write your novel. This has many benefits. Writing the query first helps you focus on what needs to be in the query - the main plto and the main character. When you write the query last, you'll feel overwhelemed by how to sum up a 100k word novel into 3 paragraphs, and you'll make the newbie mistake of adding a lot of irrelevant info. When you write your query first, you'll have a good idea of your main plot and characters, but not the details, so you won;'t be bogged down by unnecessary details. And, of course, you can tweak it as you go along. Writing teh query and synopsis first also helps you spot an plot flaws and other issues that you can correct before you start the novel. Doing this before you write the novel will help get you over a huge hump. &, no, you don';t have to write a perfect submission ready query and synopsis; this is for your personal benefit, and not something to send off unless it's polished and when your novel is complete. Good luck. Read some queries for real books and study them and see what teh agent has to say about why the query worked. And, you'll find taht many of those queries are perfect, and a query doesn;'t have to be perfect.

http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/guide-to-literary-agents/successful-queries

gauvin

2016-09-28 15:00:28 UTC

Join a Writer's Group. Learn to critique others and be critiqued. Learn to write down, rewrite and rewrite a few extra. Then learn Writer's Market. Read find out how to post a guide. Follow the recommendations to the LETTER. Otherwise the writer simply throws your guide away. That guide will inform you WHO to post your guide to. Good success.