i am writing a story and i need help with something..?

Question

His neck had become sore sitting at his computer typing steadily in deep thought. He was typing random short stories as fast as he could, improving his creative ability. Writing random scenes and random happenings between people. He would imagine how social situations would occur,

i need critizism on the whole thing there but i need to know a good way to say,

and random happenings between people.

like, random social occurances between people, or seomthng
thanks

Answer 1

In addition to the other comments, I would add that you should avoid using the passive tense. Why say his neck had become sore? Why not just say it WAS sore? Much stronger. Same thing with "would imagine" and "was typing" and "would occur"n... imagined, typed and occurred are stronger. Serendipitous meetings or chance meetings seem the best terms to use there.



Pax-C

Answer 2

Hey, John,



Many authors have said "You can't edit a blank page", so all credit to you for getting down your first draft. I mean that most sincerely. Filling the pages is the hardest thing!



Is this your first paragraph? Or is the whole book written. I ask because you might do better to write at least the first 100 pages before you try to edit the first one. You could waste years, and then some smart-*** will point out that most authors end up throwing away the first 3 chapters, and starting with Ch 4!



Eeeek! Right?

It happened to me.



When you are ready to submit to an agent or editor or contest judges, the first five pages have to grab them. The first line of a chapter isn't called "a hook" for nothing.



A good story often starts at a climactic point when someone's life changes.



A sore neck sitting at a computer is metonymy (the part stands for the whole). It's a well accepted literary convention, like all "hands" on deck (you want the attached parts too), or being fond of the bottle (or its contents). However, it isn't very immediate.



Some literary agents (I won't name the one I have in mind) don't like the use of the third person (He/his). It's hard to identify with an anonymous "he".



Would "interactions" work? "Social intercourse"?



You may not want to talk about "random happenings between people" at all.



I think you need to be specific. You need some dynamite.



Even if you are not going to use the scenes your hero recalls or imagines, you might write them to clarify what you are talking about for yourself. Is your hero writing about hook-ups, collisions, exchanges, road rage, jay walking, being pestered on the street, parties, loneliness...?



Sincere best wishes,

Answer 3

I'm not much of a critic, but here's how I would write it:



His aching neck was as strained as a tightly-drawn bow string. He typed feverishly, deep in thought. Some guy he'd once met at Starbucks told him that free writing short stories was a great way to improve creativity. He was intent on putting it to the test. As arbitrary affairs between imaginary people flitted though his mind, he arranged them in various social scenes and shaped them with engaging emotions, bringing them to life.



(In the scene above, a chance meeting with a random person in Starbucks echoes the theme and is the reason why he is even imagining these random events.)



And... dictionary.com is great as it also has a thesaurus!

Answer 4

His neck was sore from bending over his keyboard, typing steadily, deep in thought. He pounded out the short stories as fast as he could, writing of the random encounters between people. He imagined the way soial situations might occur. . .

Answer 5

Two adverse items jump out at me regarding your short paragraph. The first sentence is misleading, having the reader to believe that the computer is typing steadily in deep thought rather than the writer. Rearrange the sentence to read:



His neck had become sore while sitting in deep thought and typing steadily at his computer.



The second item jumping at me is your repeating of key words frequently within the paragraph. A rule of writing is to avoid repetitious key words or phrases on the same page. Such words that you repeated are "random," "typing," and "would"; all in the same paragraph. Consult a dictionary or thesaurus for words that can substitute for the ones you used more than once.



A great little reference book to keep near is "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. Get it. It only costs about $7.50.

Answer 6

Good opening paragraph!!!!!! What happens next and why is this writer having the "Old Faithfull" or perhaps I should say "Mount Vesuvius" effect? I want to read the rest when it's finished. (And find out how to make that hapen to me...writer's block is a terrible thing)



What about "the random interactions of people who were entirely random themselves"? or is that a bit too long?

Answer 7

Hi I like it. Just too many Randoms...as you may have guessed. you could say: toying around with the different scenaries in each plot. Or no plot at all, just people, figments of his imagination...instead of "and random happenings between people."

Answer 8

random anthropic interactions

Answer 9

and creating dramatic interactions between people.

Answer 10

chance encounters

serendipitous meeting

pleasant surprise seeing her/his face

unplanned rendezvous





I like your story already!

Answer 11

fortuitous inadvertant interaction, or contingent meetings