I worked so hard on this script, PLEASE!?

Question

Aunt Patricia: C’mon, get in the car
Ashley: Okay. . . .(gets in car)
Aunt Patricia: (starts car) (gets moving)
Ashley: . . . ever felt like a sickish feeling in your stomach
Aunt Patricia: Yup
Ashley: That’s what I’m feeling right now
Aunt Patricia: (ignores) So, how’s studies?
Ashley: Going to be bad
Aunt Patricia: how about now?
Ashley: Average
Aunt Patricia: That’s good, but you can do better, I know it. . .
Ashley: (looks out the window) Aunt, it’s raining
Aunt Patricia: HAA!? That’s impossible, it’s so hot at the moment, it so impossibly crazy to rain!
Ashley: Well
Aunt Patricia: Like what your Mom always said, Raining can ap-
Ashley: DON’T MENTION HER, PLEASE!!!!
Aunt Patricia: Sorry. . . . .
Ashley: Where is Uncle Louie?
Aunt Patricia: Home, waiting for you
Ashley: Where we going, by the way?
Aunt Patricia: Salisen Village, Pine Street hey, we’re already here!!! (gets out)
Ashley: Oh (takes a deep breath) (gets out)
Uncle Louie: Hello Sweetie pie!
Ashley: Hey
Aunt Patricia: We have a big big big big surprise
Ashley: Well-
Aunt Patricia: Come!!
Ashley: Cool. I can design my own room, well, okay
Aunt Patricia: This is Lolita, your sister
Ashley: Hello. . .Hope you accept me. COUSIN. (smiles evilly)
Aunt Patricia: Well, bye!!
Lolita: BYE TOO, COUSIN.
~after Ashley painted her room purple with orange striped and green dots
Ashley: Aunt where’s the bathroom?
Aunt Patricia: Hey Lolita can you lead her to the bathroom, I’m busy with a lot of things
Lolita: Okay. . Jeez
Ashley: You know we should just get along
Lolita: HA!
Ashley: Alright, I already found it, move out
~after she washed her hands
Ashley: Where’s that lady? (looks around) (THINKS: I am so lost at this castle) (wandering around) (walks in Lolita’s room not knowing) (sees her)
Lolita; hey no peeking at rooms!!
Ashley: SORRY!! I was so lost
Lolita: I guess I can believe in that (takes her back to her room) (posts something in her bedroom) memorize that to not get lost k? that’s the Area searcher poster, Dad-I mean- Uncle Louie made that
Ashley: thanks
Lolita: (huffs) why can’t you just stay with Aunt Yasmin??? (huffs)
Ashley: It’s like you don’t want me to stay here and at school?
Lolita: SUPER! (Leaves)
~at dinner
Uncle Louie: I haven’t heard why you need to stay here, why
Lolita: yeah, tell us
Ashley: (looks at Aunt) (bites lips)
Aunt Patricia: Ahem, she can’t-
Ashley: (chokes back a tear) Because my Mom is gone, she’s dead
Lolita: How ‘bout your Dad
Ashley: HA. You mean that asshole? I hate him! He separated with Mom but left a letter to me saying= Bye honey, your Daddy’s coming to get you someday and he left that letter to me when I WAS born, exact same day he fought with mom, that’s all My mother said. . .(cries hardly)
Aunt Patricia: (hug her tight)
Lolita: How did your mother die? I’m sorry
Ashley: Cancer
Uncle Louie: (hands Ashley a tissue)
Ashley: (wipes tears)
Lolita: We’re sorry for asking. .
Ashley: Mom, I’ll just sleep today. . .
Aunt Patricia: You don’t want dinner?
Ashley: (goes to her room)
Aunt Patricia: (bringing her dinner) eat here
Ashley: Can I call you Mom?
Aunt Patricia: Yes but um, well. . .okay
Ashley: (Falls asleep)
~at first day of school
Ashley: (Going to secretary) Hello, my name is Ashley F. Bailey
Tess: Okay, your locker is number 35 A
Ashley: thanks. . . . . (goes to locker)
Jake:[ Hey there, what’s your name?
Ashley: (ignores) (looks at him)
Jake: Hey, my name is Jake, you?
Ashley: Ashley, why?
Jake: Oh, well, nothing
Ashley: (Walks to class)
Jake: Hey, where you going
Ashley: (turns around) Are you a stalker? By the way I’m going to class
Jake: Oh hey, I heard there’s a new girl in my class, and that’s you because they said her name is Ashley
Ashley: Whatever (continues to walk)
Jake: (follows her)
Ashley: (turns around) (walks faster)
Jake: (walks faster)
Ashley: (walks faster)
Jake: (walks faster)
Ashley: (stops) STOP IT!
Jake: I’m just walking to class (laughs)
Ashley: (smiles) ha-ha not funny. (frowns)
Jake: Hey-
Ashley: Look, I got to go (goes to classroom)
Jake: (goes to classroom)
Teacher: You’re both late 6 minutes, the whole class is waiting for you
Ashley: Sorry (sits down)
Teacher: And for you Mr. Brennan (blocks him)
Jake: Huh? What now?
Teacher: You introduce the new lady
Ashley: (bites lips) (panics)
Jake: Uh, well, Ashley is her name and she loves Jeans because she is wearing one right now.
Ashley: correct
Teacher: (takes off eyeglasses) (cleans with shirt) that’s all you know? (raises right eyebrow)
Jake: Yeah
Teacher: Take your seats and then answer pages 2,4 and 5 of your Math book
Ashley: (answers)
~after a few minutes
Ring!!!!
Ashley: (goes to cafeteria)
Jake: Hey
Ashley: WHAT NOW?
Jake: Hey, I just want to be friends and, Hey, Why you so mean?
Ashley: (smiles) nothing, and I am not mean, only at first days. . .
Jake: That’s the smile I want to see
Ashley: Can you sit wi

Answer 1

It's terrible.



- The dialogue is too stilted

- The characters sound the same

- There's too much micro-management of the character's actions

- The story isn't compelling at all.

- It's incorrectly formatted and very difficult to follow

- The dialogue is all ask/answer, ask/answer, ask/answer.



Start over, format correctly, and give the characters some color.

Answer 2

you should include a brief few sentence for each scene before you go into the script, that way the reader has a sense of setting and some direction. for example:

Scene 1:

Its 10 am west coast time. Ashely and Aunt Patricia are on their way to Uncle Louis' house via car. It's pouring rain. Ashley's in a bad mood.

[script]



Scene 2:

Dinner at Uncle Louis' house etc.....

[script]



Good news: I was able to get an idea of Ashley's personality as I read on. Keep working at it. Read some more stuff about writing screenplays in a better format. But it's not that bad, it just needs some work.

Answer 3

Ah , Madi - the suited question customary to Wrestling followers. i do no longer understand If it will Ever Be relatively replied. yet , i'm going to provide it a bypass: Why? - those surely everyone seems to be Ignorant. much like the completed Media. they're Sheep & Hypocrites (merely went Y2J There for a 2d). they suspect What the Media Portrays & Tells them to have faith. And all of us understand the Media (For the main area) & Wrestling Ain't precisely suited friends. If those human beings & The Media surely took a sound seem at Wrestling , that they had See the data. that's Scripted particular , however the final public of the journey is "labored" in the hoop. in basic terms The end is Pre planned. human beings do no longer comprehend How fairly perplexing that's to no longer in basic terms call a journey , yet whilst protecting it exciting - All whilst no longer Botching. And particular , they're the suited Athletes in the worldwide. Like Jericho suggested - in basic terms a Handful of persons Can do this job. And Do it on the point that We do it At. ALL different Athletes are Pathetic whilst in comparison with professional Wrestlers. professional Wrestling is 24/7/365. NO Down Time. And each and every person of those human beings do no longer comprehend How fairly in shape those human beings might desire to be to accomplish. no longer A single person who Mocks Wrestling could final quarter-hour at a Wrestling college. Hell , get in a hoop With ME , and that i'll Have them Blown Up in under a Minute. that's authentic easy - some surely everyone seems to be merely stupid. WQ - lack of expertise & Stupidity. even nevertheless , I guess a large style of Them Do , they only won't Admit It. BQ - I merely tell Them the certainty(s). "you should no longer Do It." that's that easy. That & i'm going to coach Them an afternoon in the existence of a Wrestler. Up at 5am - gymnasium. on the line for some Hours. consume. highway returned. Appearence or Signing. gymnasium returned. consume. talk with regard to the journey. DO the journey. highway returned. Sleep in a distinctive inn & city each and every night. REPEAT. Hell , i'm going to Even prepare Them the thank you to wrestle. After with regard to the 1st 3-5 Bumps , they're executed. They close & study some appreciate Then.

Answer 4

Good plot, but there are some things I would change. But you have a good idea for it. My sister likes to write short stories and has that problem. She has a great idea, but sometimes puts it on paper wrong. Try and get a friend or older sibling or someone you trust to edit it for you.

Answer 5

I'm sorry, it's not that good. But practice makes perfect, right? :)

Answer 6

bad beginnig

Answer 7

Don't quit your day job.

Answer 8

Please what???, you want my opinion, then get a job, cause you got no talent, my opinion

Answer 9

um.....