what do you think of my prologue?

Question

I just wrote it :)
Sleepless nights. Horrific dreams. Constantly watching my back. Peering around every corner. Questioning every move I made. My life was marked with a dollar sign. The was no stopping it. No ending it. All I could do was watch it take over my life. Day by day my life seemed to revolve more and more around it. It all started with a job offer.
“What do you want?” I demanded as a man with brownish grey hair stood over me as I lay on the ground. I kicked the air above me forcing myself up. My father had taught me some self-defense when I was younger and of course I mostly just used it against him when he was on one of his drunken rampages. I tried to kick him. He grabbed my foot and turned it so I wasn’t facing him. He used my leg to slam me into the wall of the alleyway. “Who the hell are you?” He released my leg and forced me to face him. I threw another punch; he grabbed my fist and twisted it behind my back.
“Listen to me carefully,” He whispered in my ear. He released my arm and slammed me against the wall again. “You are in danger.”
“Yeah,” I groaned then glared at him. “I can see that.”
“I’m not the threat!” He said angrily. I backed away from him until I made contact with the wall once again. “There are men after you because of your father. They want to kill you and so does he. You know more about this than you think.”
“First of all my father is in prison. Second, where do you come in with all of this?”
“I want to train you. You won’t be able to fight them off on your own, at least without training.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about or who you’re talking too. Stay away from me or I’m calling the cops on your ***.” A threat. An empty threat at that.
“Your name is Jesse Logan, you’re 15 and you moved to Washington D.C. 5 years ago from Nashville. Your mother’s name is Julia Manuel Logan. You have four sisters: Bianca Logan, age 20; Keera Logan, age 17; Chelsea Logan, age 13 and little Aimee Logan, age 4. Your father is Giovanni De Luca, he was arrested last year for child abuse and 2 counts of assault with a deadly weapon; a hammer. You were the one that reported and you haven’t seen him since.” He stated. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath trying to keep my cool.
“You could’ve found all of that on the internet.” I snapped at him. He smirked and came closer. “What do you want?”
“I have already told you why I am here. Have you been feeling like someone has been following you for the past few weeks?” I didn’t answer him. “Well people have been. We know everything about you and so does your father. He will kill you if he gets the chance and if you don’t let me help, he will have that chance anytime he wants it. Your choice.”
“Who are you?”
“The name is Leon Sims. CIA.” He explained. He went on to explain that my father was a part of a Militia in Italy the last time they had found him. He was leader. The groups goal was to gain valuable information on American spy movements. Contained in those files also included personal information for all parts of the CIA. The groups name? La notte dei demoni. The night demons. I guess it’s fitting for them now that I think about it.
He explained that if I didn’t help my whole family and I would be in danger. There were many men after me for what I knew about them. He was right; I knew a lot more than I thought. La notte dei demoni made it like a game and we had to play.
“I understand that I need to be protected but why aren’t the police handling this, what exactly is your reason for being a part of all of this? Where do you fit in?” I asked as we sat at a table in the diner. He sighed and looked up from his coffee.
“I want to offer you a job.”
It turned into a lifestyle. Once I became a spy, I couldn’t stop. There was no way out. My life became the life of a spy; it was like I was walking around with a target on my back saying “shoot me”. The lies. The secrets. It became law. The threats. Death just became another five letter word I heard daily. Danger became a known factor. What Leon forgot to mention was I wasn’t go to be a part of the actual CIA; I was going to become a member of the EEA, Emergency extraction Agency. The job was simple. We went around the world retrieving stolen items and captured agents. There were two very important things I had to learn quickly. One: No one knows about the EEA and we were to keep it that way. Two: The only way out was death, they didn’t want a lot of people knowing about the agency if they aren’t an agent. One year later, at the age of 16, my team was the best in the agency. We were sent on the most dangerous missions and the complications of those missions were fatal. This was real.
Welcome to the EEA: Team Alpha. Meet the players. Leon Sims: boss man, Tyler Logan (me): Team leader, Blair Jones: supplies and second in command, Annabel Capulet: the brains, and Arianna Vega: The newbie. Play the game or regret it all. Good luck
because you're never too young to die

Answer 1

That is some pretty great writing! A few critiques:

-"Stood over me as I lay on the ground" should probably be switched to "Stood over me while I laid on the ground" because the word as has already been used in that sentence.

-"turned it so I wasn't facing him" could be changed to "twisted it so that my body wasn't facing him anymore"

-Clairify who excactly is saying "what do you want?" near the begining, it sounds a little like the CIA agent said it.

-"Whole family THEN I would be in danger"

-When did the agent and Tyler get to the diner? I thought they were in the alley.

-The chapter should end at "I want to offer you a job" for dramatic effect. put the rest in the next chapter, or make it one of it's own.

-Make sure you tell the reader that the main character is a guy, I went through the entire time thinking it was a girl.

-Add LOADS of detail wherever you can stuff it. Tell the reader what the agent looks like, what Tyler looks like, what the alley looks like, what the diner looks like.



I can't wait to read the book this will go to, it sounds really interesting! Good luck!

Answer 2

It has potential, I think it's a little too stop and go, especially in the beginning. Some short sentences in a row are fine, they even add to it a little. But I think you went a little overboard with it. I also agree with "Old Lady" about the use of this as a prologue, maybe this can be the first chapter or something. Have you seen the new Nikita show on the CW? Because when I read this, i immediately thought about the character Alex (a girl if you don't know who I'm talking about). The entire thing really does remind me of the show. It doesn't really flow either, kind of confusing. It also moves waaaay too fast. Try and space this throughout the book. If you think the book will be too long, make it a series. A rushed book usually tends to be not so good. But like i said, it does have potential, you just have to work out quite a few bugs.

Keep working on it, I'm sure you can make a good story out of it if you try your best. Best of luck!



*Don't get upset or angry about bad critique, it helps you grow as a writer if you take people's advice. It's helped me a lot, it may not be pleasant at the time but it will help you later on.

Answer 3

Why is this a prologue? A prologue provides information that the reader needs to know. Or to introduce something.

This is all stuff that should be included in the backstory, not set out in front, because unless your story is going in a very different direction that I think it is, this is part of the information that is going to draw the reader into the story And how does she get from fighting in an alley to sitting in a diner drinking coffee with her attacker? That's a pretty big leap, both physically and conceptually, but you have totally glossed over it.

Quite frankly, it reads as though you just wrote it. What you need to do before you post anything for other people to read, is to edit it.



I did read it, and missed the Tyler Logan (me) at the tag end. Perhaps you should have put that up front because it does not read as though it has a male voice - and sitting in a diner drinking coffee with someone you've just been doing physical battle with still seems weird.

Answer 4

Prologues are difficult. Usually they don't seem to be critical and the fabric can also be fed into the tale. One of the first-rate assets I've come throughout concerning prologues and the way first-rate to put in writing them and if they're wanted, is a booklet known as Between the Lines via Jessica Page Morrell. I'd propose watching up the booklet as it'll reply your questions.

Answer 5

I do like it, but maybe use less full stops and more commas.

Answer 6

WOW thats really great!!!!

i love it i want to totally read more of it

keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!