help with sad part in my novel - updated from yday =)?

Question

ok so i posted a question yday about a sad part in my novel
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AppVOuJvqEYaBBNcklaUyKIgBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20090713132817AABIksK
iv re done it and i wondered if i sounded any better or if i need to do it again

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“Niamh!” Fynn cried. The man holding Niamh laughed and threw Niamh back on the floor. She thundered to the ground hitting her head and twisting her ankle in the process. The man walked up to Fynn as his Angel looked on smiling. He pulled a gun out and, pressing his body against Fynn’s, rested it against his head. Niamh gasped in horror. No!
“I wouldn’t do that if I where you, Fynn said with a slightly cocky smile plastered across his face. how could he be so calm when he had a gun pointed to his head.
“Why not,” laughed the man. A loud shot rang through the hill and Niamh shielded her eyes. No…not Fynn…please not Fynn. She looked up only to see the man lying on his back in a pool of blood and Fynn standing motionless, the gun still in his hand. Niamh shook violently as she pressed herself to the wall staring at the man who had just killed a dark Angel and his human…he had saved her life.
“Are you ok?” said Fynn walking towards her holding out his free hand. She took one glance at the black and lethal looking weapon before shaking her head. Fynn followed her gaze and, realising the cause of her distress, placed the gun on the floor. Niamh rushed up to him as soon as she was sure he wasn’t dangerous and wrapped her arms tightly around his waist.
“Oh thank god, I thought I wasn’t going to see you again,” she whispered. His lips found hers as he kissed her gently. Fynn glanced down at the two dead body’s lying on the ground.
“I'm sorry.” Niamh smiled.
“It’s ok, you save my life,” she replied. He kissed her once more.
“I love you,” he laughed.
“I love you too.” She snuggled her head into his warm chest and closed her eyes. Everything was…

The force of the bullet blew them apart. Fynn buckled and fell to his knees. Niamh’s eyes swam as she rushed up to the bleeding man. No…no this couldn’t be happening…Fynn…no…NO! She wrapped her arms around him and lowered him onto the floor. Her hands smothered in blood she looked up at the dark Angel and his charge who stood watching…laughing. Without thinking Niamh grabbed Fynn’s gun and shot three times. She didn’t watch as the man and the Angel fell to the floor simultaneously. She stowed the gun in her bag and turned her attention back to Fynn. Tears were already welling and soon spilled over at the sight of the man she loved bleeding to death.
“N-Niamh,” he choked, blood splattering from his mouth.
“Shh, don’t talk…it will be ok, you will be ok,” her voice broke as quite sobs erupted through her chest. He was going to be fine…everything was going to be fine! She wiped the tears that streamed down Fynn’s own face.
“You…you know I will always love you,” he whispered.
“Don’t be silly now Fynn,” she laughed hysterically. His eyes began to flutter as she cradled his weakened and blood-soaked body.
“Just remember that I love you…” his head lolled to one side and his eyelids stilled.
“NO! NO FYNN DON’T DO THIS…DON’T YOU DO THIS TO ME!” she cried shaking his body, “FYNN…FYNN STAY WITH ME.” the sob’s broke through as she buried her face in his chest. No…Fynn couldn’t be gone…no…please god no! Her body shook violently as she screamed at him to wake up but it was no use.

“Niamh! Niamh!” cried Tai as he rushed to her side, grabbing both the gun that had shot Fynn and the one that had threatened to shoot him. He tried to prize away his hysterical charge from the body but she held on tight. They had to get out of here before the others came. He pulled her sharply away from Fynn and lifted her up into his arms.
“NO…PUT ME DOWN…FYNN…I CANT LEAVE HIM…TAI PUT ME DOWN…FYNN!” she screamed beating her fists against her Angels chest.
“Do you want them to take us as well as the bodies!” Tai asked. Niamh stopped in her tracks.
“B-bodies?” she said raggedly. Tai drew in a deep breath.
“Sage was shot…he didn’t make it.”
“W-what…no… that’s not possible!”
“I felt Raynar phase out, that’s how I knew to find you…I can’t feel Seth anymore.” Fresh sobs broke from Niamh as she came to realise she had lost three friends and the man she loved in one day. Once they where on the other-side of the hill Tai covered the hole back up. He placed both guns in Niamh’s bag and, sitting by a tree pulled her in on his lap and let her cry. Tears escaped both their eyes but Tai was careful not to let her see. She needed him to be there for her. This was his job as an Angel.
“Eliesse?” said Niamh asking two questions with one word.
“She’s had her baby, and yes…she knows about Sage.” Fresh tears broke through the bloodshot and already stinging eyes.

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helpful advice/constructive critism would be helpful
=)
xxx

Answer 1

Well, I read your other question from the other day, some people were so stupid! Forget what they said about it not making sense because they obviously didn't read the info at the top. This isn't the opening of your novel! Sorry, I just had to say that because those people annyoed me.



Anyway, your passage has definatley improved from the last one. I would recommend getting someone to proof read before you change anything becasue there are a few mistakes. You could maybe make the death abit longer, so you can add a flashback in there. If you want it to e a quick but dramatic death, don't add to much dialogue. AND! If you really want to torture the reader, get Niamh to go start talking about something and not realise that Fynn is dead until...maybe Tai tells her or something. BUT! There are afew issues with that one, like, you'd have to really get the reader tofeel how much they love each other - and I'm talking, not just joined at the hip, joined at the hand, waist HEART even! Plus, it's a very hard thing to describe and pull off.



Another thing, you go into everything (not including the death bit) kinda fast. Try describing some more.



Lastly, when Niamh has clarified Fynn is dead, don't start typing in caps straight away. Make her seem a bit unsure at first and then gradually make her shout/scream whatever.



Apart from that it sounds AMAZING and let me know when you've finished because I'd love to read it! :) Hope it helps and good luck!

Answer 2

This may be a completely different direction to the way you want to go, but maybe fynn could sort of hold off the man and dark angel to allow Niamh to escape with her angel. The he makes his way to tthe other side of the hill and colapses in her arms having just killed the other two, and the dies there. Its just kinda a more heroic way for him to go out. plus the reader will think he is dead, then momentarily think its all over and hes alive, but.. then he dies

Answer 3

That was pretty darn good!

The previous ones did need a bit of doing up, but i can see you've improved it! A good writer can always imrove their work, and you did!

Woo hoo!

Poor Fynn... He has got a great name.



And i agree with Magic. Can't remember his main point, but i know i agreed with it...



Happy writing!

Answer 4

Get rid of the line "she laughed hysterically" as he is dying in her arms. Otherwise, its a good death scene.

Answer 5

I think its pretty good but maybe make it more descriptive

Answer 6

wow! now i would definently read THAT book!