What do you think of my short story? please read?

Question

What can be done to improve it? what are your thoughts?

Out of the corner of my eye I watched her. She was smiling and her deep blue eyes were locked in concentration. Clasped in her hand was a small black pebble and she was looking out to sea, watching the waves as they crashed peacefully against the shore.
“Ashley hurry up, its cold.” I said, sitting on the sand shivering. Overhead the clouds swirled like marble cake, a million different shades of white and grey. She threw it, the rock skipping a few times before sinking into the ocean. She sighed before turning around and offering me her hand.

“Come on Michael. Lets go.” She said, and we began to walk home along the road that winds around the beach. “Do you remember all those years ago Michael? At the beach house with Macey?” she said, her voice suddenly sad.
“Ashley, you don’t have to talk about it.” My heart began to beat faster. Please don’t, I thought to myself franticly.
“No Michael, I want too. I-I don’t think it was an accident.”
I sighed.
“Ashley, please… It happened three years ago. I thought you had moved on. It was an accident Ashley. That’s all it was.” I said defensively, looking away from her so she wouldn’t see the panic etched across my face. She had caught me off guard.

Her blue eyes watering and her arms hanging limply at her side she walked away from me.
“Ashley, wait up! I’m sorry.” I called to her, the wind pulling forcefully at my hair. “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I’m sorry!” I yelled, my voice breaking. She didn’t turn around, the back of her head covered by a grey hoodie she walked against the wind, her footsteps slow and heavy on the ground. I stood there watching, waiting for her to turn around and come back to me. She ignored me and kept on walking. “Stop Ashley. Please, just come with me…” I pleaded.

She didn’t stop. Her slender legs shivering in the cold as she walked along the shoreline. I sighed. Guilt weighed on me like a brick and I ran up to her, putting my arm on her shoulder I turned her around. Salty tears streamed down her face and her cheeks were stained pink. Her eyes stared into mine and we stayed like that for what felt like hours. Eventually she glanced away and the spell was broken.

“Didn’t you hear me?” I whispered, her face just a few inches from mine. She nodded in response.
“I loved her so much Michael.” she said, her voice barely audible against the wind.
“I’m sorry Ashley, I really am.” I said. My entire body was covered with goose bumps and I pulled at her arm. “Come on, let’s go.”
“No Michael. Don’t just push it away, that’s all we’ve ever done. I need to talk about it Michael, three years is a long time. “
“She was in the water and she got pulled under by a strong wave. That’s all there is too it.”
“But they never found her body Michael. They looked so hard and yet they never found it. Does that not sound suspicious too you?”
“Ashley just leave it! Some things are better left alone.” I said angrily, my eyes flashing darkly. I remembered Macey in the water, her face full of desperation as I pushed her under.

“It was a wave Ashley. Believe me. Lets go home now; your parents are probably wondering where you are.” Her eyes opened wide in realisation and she stepped away from me. Her hood fell off her head and her sandy blonde hair whipped her face.
“You did it didn’t you? Oh god. You did it.” I remembered Macey’s body, pale and limp in my arms.
“What? No of coarse I didn’t Ashley. What are you trying to say?” I said defensively, my arms crossed against my chest.
“You’re lying! I can tell when you lie Michael.“

I was defeated and we both knew it. “Ashley I’m sorry, it was an accident. I didn’t mean to do it. I was angry. She was trying to take you away Ashley… She didn’t like me.“ I said, surrendering. Her face clouded over in recollection, remembering the years gone by. “All these years and I never knew . . . She was my best friend. “ She shook her head and swore, tears filling her eyes. “Go away Michael. Please, just, just go.”

I stood there, watching her as she cried, wanting to comfort her but knowing I couldn’t. “Michael. Leave me alone, please.” She pleaded, her bloodshot eyes glancing at mine.
“Ashley, don’t tell anyone.” I begged. She shook her head.
"I won't." Glancing one last time at her I turned around and walked home. I still remember the cries that carried on the wind that night. Her perfect face red and blotchy, her hair knotted and covered in sand, her slim arms hugging her knees and watching the waves cash against the shore.

Answer 1

I loved the first coupld of paragraphs, your descirptive language was excellent, and it made me want to read on. However, i think you need to improve your dialogue. It seemed real in places, i especially liked the bit where it says " Ashley, hurry up, its cold."



But then the rest of the dialogue is in big chunks... You need to sort of spread it out a little (but not too much!). Its like, in places you have this beautiful, captivating descriptions and then you have all this dialogue which doesn't sound quite real, and it detracts from the quality of the story overall.

Work on getting the dialogue to sound more real and convincing, and you'll be famous someday!

Answer 2

it's way too brief. the descriptions are good but the dialogue isn't. you have to imagine that you are in the character's positions- what would you say? their dialogues are too terse- they are talking about murder, and you just race through the ending like it isn't that important, when in fact it's the most important part of the story!



i think also, although it's a short story, the plotline isn't THAT gripping. i mean, it's been done before many times. you need to work on some character development, despite the fact that's it's a short story, we (the reader) aren't aware of Michael's personality traits. perhaps make him easy-going and placid, then the shock of the murder is even more unexpected. perhaps make the girl (Ashley) scared! when she finds out the truth, she will look at Michael in a whole new light, with murderer's hands and dark shadows in his eyes or something. maybe at the end he could explain a bit more WHY he killed her, because he doesn't really do that in your story. he could say that those he is closest to are more at risk. he could embrace Ashley with firm, unwielding arms. he could stroke her hair tenderly. he could feel the weight of her body as is hung against his own, feel the heartbeat as fast as a frightened mouse's. will he strike again?



(you get the point, more excitement needed). good luck, it is very good though! you have a good style!

Answer 3

I think it was good, but there should be more story and life to it, i liked the fact you used the weather to reflect the characters moods, first peace-full then all rough and distorted, I think there are a few hitches, for instance you use "and" too much in some of the sentences, and there are quiet a few spelling mistakes, but over all i think the writing and descriptions were good, maybe you need some inspiration like a booster to give something more to your stories (It's OK to goo crazy, you normally have a totally original story and that will make it big!) good luck

Yasmin.

Answer 4

Issac Asimv is great, true science fiction that does not delve into fantasy. Stephen King is the master. He won some awards for his short stories andI read his forward in one of his collection that he thinks the short story is a special craft. I think his attitude is what causes him to create such vivid characters and situations.

Answer 5

You have a good story ,but you need to make it stronger ,for example

(watching the waves as they crashed peacefully against the shore.)

In view of what had happened do you think she would be thinking of the sea as peaceful as she remembered what had happened and it would capture the readers interest more if it was described as more of a threat or fearful,because then we would immediately want to know more and why.

Imagine your self as them, say the words out loud and make it stronger then ask us again. Don't give up you are on the way x

Answer 6

This is excellent!!

You're an awesome writer! :)



Few spelling/grammatical tips:

When someone's talking for example,

"Yeah," He replied.

It doesn't end with a period. It either ends with a comma, exclamation mark, or a question mark.

It'll be a different case if it's like this though:

"Is that what happened?"

"Yeah."

Since there's no "he replied" or anything, you can end with a period.

I'm sorry, I such at explaining, & you're probably confused?

Also, it's spelled "frantically" :)

Just a few things I wanted to note out.



Other than that, the story was perfect!!

I love it! I absolutely do!! Keep it up!!!

Answer 7

It's pretty good, for sure. Do you have others?



Have you tried this contest? http://www.vote4mystory.com/

Plus, they make hardcover books with the best selections, so you have a chance for real publicity here.

Answer 8

you are good at describing, but when it comes to emotional talking, you can't rise to the emotions. I don't feel anything. Improve it until you make your readers cry, then you are good