Question:
What Do You Think Of The Book I Wrote.(ps im 12)?
Shayy
2008-09-20 22:45:57 UTC
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PREFACE

August sixth, 2004
We are the envy of our friends. We are perfect together and they know it. They will never be as great as us. We will be together for ever.
I remembered writing that passage in my diary back when Dillon and I were a beginning couple. It’s amazing how fast time goes by, and no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t go back.
I remembered the day we first met perfectly. It was almost two years ago. I was in the park, the sun was hidden behind a layer of clouds, the air seemed so thin. It was cold, snow started to blanket across the ground. Even though I waited for three hours, he never came. Then Dillon showed up. He offered me his jacket, and I excepted it without questioning. He sat and we started talking. . .
He suggested that we should go someplace warm, and I wasn’t going to wait for my date any longer. We went to the coffee shop just three blocks away. That’s where I saw him with another girl. And that’s how we came to be.
I flipped the pages in my diary one by one until I came to a passage that was dated almost four months ago.
June fourth, 2006
I was at the hospital all night. Something happened. . .














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Spring Break


We all sat quietly. Just minutes away from freedom. Everybody stared at the clock, not bothering to listen to our math teacher, Mr. Corelli. Two minutes, I said in my head.
“Scarlett?” Mr. Corelli called. I turned rapidly.
“Yes?” I answered in a sweet voice. Mr. Corelli sighed.
“Why do I bother trying to teach you children? You never listen anyway! Just get ready to go enjoy your spring break. I know I’m going to.” He never really liked being a teacher. He hated children.
Then the bell rang. We all left suddenly, papers flying like in one of those television shows that nobody watches anymore. Spring break was here. I skipped over to Dillon, who was waiting in his new 2006 Ford Mustang.
“Wanna ride, little lady?” he said, trying to be cool. I rolled my eyes and got in. He began to drive- fast. He kept turning his music up one notch at a time until it was on max.
“Where are you going?” I asked, realizing that my house was the other direction. He smiled his “you’ll see” smile. I crossed my arms and pouted as houses and trees whipped by. I reached over and turned the volume down. Heavy metal is not my favorite genre of music.
“Quit trying to be something your not. Since when do you listen to heavy metal?” I asked, shocked.
“I’ve always listened to it, just not when you’re around.” I laughed.
“Come on, you’re as soft as a Tickle Me Elmo. Now really, where are we going?” I asked as we pulled into the airport. He smiled that perfect smile again.
“You know, your birthday is coming up in like four days, right? Where have you always wanted to go?” Dillon asked. My face lit up. “You’re taking me to Lanai?! How did you get my parents to agree?” We were getting out of the car at that moment.
“Your family is already there. They left as soon as we left for school. They have all of your things, so you don’t have to worry. Why did you want to go to Lanai again?” I looked at him as if he were stupid. I’ve told him why so many times!
“Because Lanai is the smallest of the Hawaiian islands. I feel sorry for
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it.” He shook his head, as if saying, You are such a dork! Why do I spend all of my time with you?
We gave the lady our tickets and got on the plane. Dillon gave me the window seat, knowing that I like to look at scenery. Suddenly realizing that Dillon came empty handed, I asked, “Where are your things?”
“Your parents have everything. If you are missing something, you can blame them.” We both laughed. “I love you,” I whispered. “I love you, too.” He leaned over to kiss my forehead.
I took two hair ties out of my purse and began to part my hair. I started to braid my brown hair when the plane took off.
“Where is the first stop?” I whispered, finishing my second braid.
“Not sure. By the way, I love when you put your hair up, then everybody can see what pretty blue eyes you have.” I blushed, taking one last glance at my town of Chester, Pennsylvania.
“I wish you would have given me more notice, then I could have packed things to do on the plane!” I complained. Dillon reached down beside him and pulled out a bag. He handed it to me while saying, “Your mom told me what you might want.” I opened the bag and saw my favorite book, my Ipod, and some gum.
“You are so perfect,” I said, pulling out the book that I have read over and over.
“Why do people read books over and over? It’s all the same stuff! Doesn’t it get boring? Especially a book that long. I don’t read books more than an inch thick, and I don’t read it more than once! How do people do it?” Dillon asked. I just shrugged and began to read the first page.
All our attempts at
Nine answers:
Stacie
2008-09-20 23:41:16 UTC
READ THE WHOLE THING AT http://a12yearoldswritting.synthasite.com/



THIS ISNT THE WHOLE STORY. GO TO http://a12yearoldswritting.synthasite.com/ TO READ IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
winter8778
2008-09-21 00:59:17 UTC
It's pretty good for a 12 year old, but there's still room for improvement. Your grammar is very good, and your dialogue is very good as well.



One thing I noticed: the make up descriptions were a little lacking. Teen girls don't usually like to wear black eye shadow unless they want to look like someone knocked them out, and red eye shadow makes people look feverish.



Another thing I want to mention is the lack of realism on the birthday gifts. Taking a girl to Hawaii is really expensive. Plus, Scarlett would have to miss school. How would her parents arrange all of that without her knowledge? Her parents paid for Hawaii plus a car and ball gowns; unless you are on an MTV show like My Super Sweet Sixteen, that stuff never happens. Also, how would the Jetta get back to Chester, PA in time for Scarlett to drive it to Amber's?



Dillon's gift is out of reach for most teen boys. Diamonds are very expensive; why buy a diamond necklace for someone you are cheating on? Also, it seems very materialistic for the characters to constantly be talking about how much everything costs.



I think you have lots of potential. Keep it up!
?
2016-10-04 02:55:23 UTC
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Penguin Lover
2008-09-20 22:58:00 UTC
Very good for a 12 year old, but your writing will get better as you write more and get older. Your tenses are mixed up, like you said, "that's how we came to be", but you should say "that WAS how we came to be" since you're writing in the past tense. But i think it's a really good story, so continue!

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https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20080920185544AAeolEP&r=w
xxxx
2008-09-20 23:16:48 UTC
Oh my gosh. It's very sweet, I absolutely love it. Man, I would never have guessed you're twelve. Keep on going with your dreams. I hope to read your work someday.

^_^
lalalandliss
2008-09-20 22:55:52 UTC
cute story!! pretty stinkin good for 12 years old. :)

keep reading tons of books, writing lots of stories, and perfecting your writing!! :)
Nightosphere
2008-09-20 22:55:52 UTC
for being 12 I think this is better than something your avrage 12-year-old would write. nice job
awsomeman
2008-09-20 23:00:54 UTC
um... im guessing your a 12 year old thinking your the next paul zindel. your not. your a preteen with her own imagination on how cool it is ti be in highschool... your not in highschool. im sorry but your not. and you trying to make the next big teen novel is a big flop. the use of suspense and "oh boy, what happened at the hospital" is just a flat out "cmon, try to guess. i hope theyre sitting on the edge of thier seat for the time i tell them about the hospital" were. not. or at least im not. suspense should not be strieght foward. you need clues. example: if what happened was a car accident, then the girl should get very tense when the driver ever goes over the speed limit, or if they dont wear thier seat belt. if they O.D. ed then they should get very angry at drug jokes. get it? its subconscious clues. not strieght forward. this whole writing experience is just a horrible example of 12 year old innocence and crap writing. dont write anymore. its not gonna sell, your gonna forget about it, just dont... ok? sorry. im giving you my opinion. your not actually gonna finish and sell it. so why make it ok? sorry... but just no.
saturdaymornings
2008-09-20 23:24:46 UTC
I love it

I am 12 also and love to write


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