Question:
Would anyone like to read my story? (first three chapters)?
Sierra A
2009-12-04 21:50:48 UTC
I began this story in the summer of 2009 and i saw that sometimes if you post your work in progress, people would comment. Well here it is! :) What do you think?












Chapter One

Outside, the wind blew in angry bursts, throwing itself against the old brick house. It was a full moon tonight but you could hardly tell because of the thick clouds that covered the night sky. It was so windy that trees bent and stray pebbles were tossed about in the street. The only street lamp was old and it flickered between light and dark. When it was on, it cast an odd yellow-ish glow. Not many people lived in this neighborhood, so the city didn’t feel the need to fix minor problems such as this.
It was about midnight when Carla Murray heard a high-pitch scream. It was short lived but terrible. The scream sliced through the wind like a hot knife would cut butter. Carla bolted upright, eyes wide. She threw off the covers and groped around for the light switch.
The scream had only lasted about six seconds but it rang on in Carla’s mind for nearly thirty seconds. She wondered if her mom had heard it also, or if she had imagined it. The wind rattled the windows and her teeth chattered. Goose bumps ran up her arm. She was afraid of leaving her room but terrified to stay alone. She slowly pushed open the door and looked around the dark hallway. She at least knew that the scream hadn’t come from her mom. It sounded like it came from someone more Carla’s age... Yet, it sounded close by, perhaps from down the road.
She walked cautiously down the hallway and up the stairs to her mother’s bedroom. The door stood slightly open, leaving a thin strip of light on the hard wood floor. “Mom?” Carla whispered.
“Yes?”
“Did you hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“That scream…” Carla said. She walked into her Mom’s room and sat next to her on the bed. The familiar light blue walls and quilted bed cover made Carla feel safe.
“No, I never heard any screaming. Carla, your fifteen now, almost sixteen, you haven’t had nightmares like that in a long time.” Her mother pointed out softly. Carla shuddered. When she was younger she often had terrible nightmares, but those had stopped when she turned thirteen.
“So... No scream?”
“No scream.” Her mother answered reassuringly, her soft blue eyes had a caring look about them that always made Carla feel like a child. She smiled and picked up a novel that Carla hadn’t noticed before.
“What are you reading?” Asked Carla, wanting to change the topic.
“Another Ted Dekker novel.”
“Cool, you really like him don’t you?”
“He writes good books.” She yawned. “Its late, you should go back to bed.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Good night Mom.” Carla leaned over and gave her a hug. “Good night sweetie.”



She left her room closed the door behind her; Carla could still see a sliver of light coming from her room. When finally got settled in bed with the lights out she promised herself that she would go looking for whatever caused the noise, if the noise was even real. Tomorrow when it was light outside, she figured that it wouldn’t be as creepy.
All night she tossed and turned unable to sleep. The wind blew viciously without stopping. She finally fell into an uneasy sleep at around two o’clock am.
At around 10:45 in the morning, the weather didn’t look much better. Dark rain clouds crowded the sky, forcing the sun behind them. It was cold and overcast. A crack of thunder shook the house and woke up Carla. She loved storms and eagerly looked out her bedroom window. She was just in time to see a bolt of lightning tear across the morning sky. Rain started to fall and Carla closed her eyes. She listened to the splatter of rain drops on the roof.
Another boom of thunder shook the house and she opened her eyes. Thirty seconds later, more lightning streaked the dark sky. She got up and switched on a small light. Carla suddenly remembered her idea of going to find the reason for the noise. She looked out her window again. The rain dripped down the glass and the whole world looked gray and colorless. Maybe tomorrow… She thought… then again… there’s nothing else to do today.
Carla walked into her closet. She looked at the many different clothes on the shelves. Her closet was an abnormally large walk-in closet. She decided on wearing a dark green long-sleeved shirt and her favorite jeans. Then she put on an old worn-out pair of sneakers.
Even though she’d probably wait to go out until noon, she liked to be prepared. She checked her appearance in the several full length mirrors that lined the wall behind her. Her emerald green eyes stared back at her through dark brown bangs. Her hair was shoulder length and almost too straight. She was one of those people that always looked like they were blushing. She pursed her lips. The outfit looked fine but her hair needed brushing.
Carla left her closet and sat on her bed. She looked around the room. The walls
Four answers:
taytayy
2009-12-04 22:07:51 UTC
alot of description which is good, but you need to start like action quick in the story, or the reader will lose interest. Even if it's something small, it needs to be something that will want the reader to keep reading it and find out what happens.



You know what i mean?
NatZed
2009-12-04 22:11:04 UTC
You're a really good writer. You're sotry is really intriguing and want to read more! lol. I especially like the way you write the dialogue; it's really realistic. I like Carla too, she's a cool character. The one thing I would suggest is that for the very beginning, to make it more interesting, perhaps you could start by saying something along the lines of...



Suddenly, there was a high-pitched scream.

Carla Murray awoke in fright, sitting bolt up-right, eyes wide. The scream was short lived, but terrible. It sliced through the wind like a hot knife would cut butter. Carla threw off her covers and groped around for her light swtich ... etc, etc.



And then, after that, perhaps, you could describe about the neighbourhood and the loud wind as you first did.



I just think that if you started off the novel with the scream it would capture the readers attention straight away and make them really want to keep reading.



But hey, that's just my opinion. No need to even listen to me. At All. lol.



Anyways, awesome story! I really want to read more and find out what the scream was!



Best of luck with it =)
anonymous
2016-05-26 10:33:28 UTC
I read the first paragraph of the 1st chapter, I have to agree, its very confusing. Let me help: Bonnie's family would turn themselves in this exact day. Well, that's what they thought at least. Let's start from the exact beginning. It was the first day of tenth grade in Winderville High. The story begins and ends in a small town called Winderville which is located at the dead center of Missouri. Our character: Bonnie and her family. Another character in the story is: Max. Anyway, this town was small, and it's a city where practically nothing happens. Someone's birthday-well, it's like a huge parade. The town is only one main street and about forty five small streets intersecting each other. The town has a small shopping mall, a grocery store, a liquor store, some pubs and restaurants, two schools and a small library. Here's my re-write: Winderville is a little town located in the dead center of Missouri. It basically consists of a shopping mall, a grocery store, a liquor store, a few pubs and restaurants, a small library and two run-down schools. Nothing much ever goes on in Winderville. Someone’s birthday is like a parade. It was the first day of the tenth grade at Winderville high, and Bonnie was ready for anything. Ok, so it may not be perfect, it would be better with some more descriptive words but you can see already how it is easier to read. In your paragraph you jumped around a lot. The town is small, Bonnie's starting 10th grade, did I mention the town is small? Oh and the main character's name is Bonnie, well and her family too, and then theres max, but we'll get to him later. Anyways, the town is small. Did I say that yet?... you get what I mean. You need to organize the paragraphs, use more descriptive words, and don't throw in random details that you don't need like, another character is Max. We can hear about Max later when he comes into the story. Hope I helped
cookie church pope
2009-12-05 06:46:05 UTC
I just LOVE the ending....


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