Question:
Can you rate the beginning of my story? I know you all love doing this!?
?
2009-05-30 06:48:45 UTC
Prologue

"Mine, mine! All this years of work, and now I finally did it! I knew it would be worth it!" the mad scientist croaked. He had done it. He made the first time machine!
Someone slammed the laboratory's door open. Two dozen armed men rolled into the room.
"Your under arrest for making an illegal machine (Making time machines were illegal unless you had permission)!" the commander shouted.
"You're too late!" the scientist croaked, and he jumped into the portal after turning it on. But he got shot twice on his arm in the process.
"Darn, he got away!" cursed the commander. The others stood quiet.
"Maybe someone can jump in and go after him." suggested one of the men.
The commander smiled an evil smile, then said, "You know, you're right. And you can go in because you suggested it."
"Umm... Actually I was thinking--"
"It's a command, not a suggestion!" barked the commander.
The man gulped. "A--as you wis--I mean command, sir." He felt all the memories of his past rush through him. Sweat poured down from his head. He said a small prayer, said bye-bye to everything and everyone, and jumped.
But right before he jumped in, the portal closed and he slammed his head on the wall. He collasped to the ground, lifeless.
"He--he's dead sir." said a rookie.
"You three, take his body to his family and send my apologies.And for the rest of you, help me carry this illegal piece of metal back to the headquarters. We'll have it locked up with high security, so noone can even touch it. Who knows what will happen if we break it." said the commander. He wasn't harsh anymore, he was afraid. Anyone could have heard it in his voice."Noone here should even dream of telling anyone else about this incident. Understand?!"
"Yes sir!" answered the men in unison, but the commander knew, that someday, news will spread.

Chapter One

OTwelve-year-old Raver was sleeping when he smelt smoke. He jumped out of his bed, and looked around. He saw what he had feared. Black smoke was above his head spreading lower and lower. He ran to his parent's room and ran to his parent's bed.
"Mom! Dad! Fire! Mom! Dad! Wake up--" he suddenly stopped shouting. The bed was empty.
Don't panic, thought Raver they probably ran outside. But without me? Why? Did they leave on purpose??? He ignored the bad thoughts and crawled the the phone. He could no longer stand up-the smoke was almost touching the floor. He dialed 9-1-1 and began to move towards the door. The smoke had reached the floor now. He couldn't breathe properly. The ceilings and furniture began to tumble down. Raver almost got hit by a piece of the ceiling. Right in front of the door, he saw his dad's wallet. He knew he wasn't supposed to bring things out with you in a fire but it was in the way anyways so he picked it up along the way. When he was reaching for it he dropped the phone. But he couldn't get it at the moment, he was suffocating. He finally got to the door, stood up with all his strength, and opened the door. The handle was burning hot so he got burned badly but it was a good price for his life. He stumbled outside and lay there. Then his mind went blank.

He was in the hostpital, surrounded by his neighbors and a police officer. Grace, his neighbor was the first to notice him awake. Grace was a girl a few months older than Raver and was his friend since his family moved into the neighborhood. Grace had a very big voice and liked to express her feelings.
"Hey everybody, Raver's up!" she shouted loud enough for everyone to hear.
"What happened???" asked Raver.
"I was going to ask you the same thing!" exclaimed Grace. "Well, first of all, I heard sirens and when I went outside, I saw your house on fire, and you on the ground. There were fire trucks and police cars...and there were ambulances. You were carried into one of them so I followed the ambulance to this hospital!"
"You followed me?" asked Raver. He couldn't believe that Grace, would follow him. She wasn't the helping kind."Well, thanks. And to everyone who's here."
Raver heard lots of 'You're welcomes'.
"Now, what happened to you?" questioned Grace.
So Raver told them all that happened to him, including the part about his parents.
"No wonder we couldn't find your parents." murmered the policeman.
"What should I do now?" asked Raver. Where was he to go?
"My parents said that you could stay at my house until the police finds your parents!" exclaimed Grace. Anyone could easily tell that she was excited.
"Really? Is that okay?" he asked Grace's parents.
"Of course it is, my dear." answered Mrs.Sib. Dear, thought Raver. Always calls me dear. But to tell the truth, he was kind of getting used to it.
"C'mon Raver. Let's go to my house!

Raver looked around Grace's room. Everything was pink. There was a pink bed, a pink bed, pink dolls, pink blanket, pink pillows, and even pink walls! He never knew Grace still liked all this stuff. It seemed, childish. He looked down at the floor. The sleeping ba
Seven answers:
Paul
2009-05-30 07:01:04 UTC
That's really good! :D Very detailed, interesting - it definitely makes you want to read on! You set scenes well, and the characters are well portrayed - I like the way you use what Raver is thinking to get the reader more involved.

I did pick up on one sentence that I thought could use a slight adjustment: "Your under arrest for making an illegal machine (Making time machines were illegal unless you had permission)!" the commander shouted.

I would include the bracketed information after the speech, like this:

"You're under arrest for making an illegal time machine!" the commander shouted (Making time machines was illegal unless you had permission).

Apart from that, a really excellent start! :) btw, you said to rate it? Out of 10, I think I'd give it around about an 8/9
kana121569
2009-05-30 07:08:49 UTC
It is a good story line but there are some rough spots. I listed the things that just didn't flow nicely.



"But he got shot twice on his arm in the process"

(find a way to add this in better)



"You know, you're right. And you can go in because you suggested it."



"He knew he wasn't supposed to bring things out with you in a fire but it was in the way anyways so he picked it up along the way."



"The handle was burning hot so he got burned badly "
Gaia’s Garden
2009-05-30 07:56:26 UTC
It's probably ok to say damn in this case in the prologue. Also, would a soldier really say bye-bye?

At the beginning of the chapter, the sentence 'he saw what he had feared', could be deleted.
XD !
2009-05-30 07:06:02 UTC
lol out of ten 8because

1 it should mostly be a childrens book e.g 10-14

2 u have switched tense sometimes!



its also a bit fast to u know what i mean everything happening at once but apart from that brilliant!i loved it!
Gabbyx3
2009-05-30 06:58:41 UTC
That was a really nice story. You should continue. ( also, you wrote:There was a pink bed, a pink bed...) be careful with repeating yourself.
fashionista1125
2009-05-30 06:53:38 UTC
lol! I really like it! I would read that book for sure! you have a really good start! keep working on it.
2009-05-30 07:02:43 UTC
go on, kid, it seems interesting.


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