Is this a decent start for a story?

Question

I'm fourteen years old and I've been writing for years, but lately I think my skills have been getting worse. I'm rather sensitive to harsh criticism, so please be gentle. Anyway, here's the story start.
~*~
As the sun set over the Sidra village, the villagers began to get ready for the coming nightfall and cold rain that would surely come later in the evening. There was one particular woman that seemed to stand out from the rest of the humans. She wasn't preparing for the oncoming storm, but instead kneeling near a pond a decent ways away from her house. Her china-white skin seemed to glow in the now rising moonlight, her body was thin and graceful. Her wide violet eyes reminded others of two windows on the evening sky, the shine in her eyes reminding them of the stars. Silky black hair tumbled down her back and past her waist, smooth, straight, and shiny, it was so dark it seemed to almost be a dark shade of purple or blue. A single blood red rose had been braided in her hair, seemingly tucked behind her ear.

The woman had a long black cloak wrapped around her, clasped only at the neck with a silver brooch. Underneath the robe she wore a rather medieval dress that had been dyed a strange shade of both dark purple and indigo. The sash fastened around her waist was almost dark enough to match her hair and supported a small pouch of healing herbs that rested on her hip.

Her fingers of her right hand trailed across the crystal clear water of the pond, disturbing the glassy stillness and creating small ripples that float across the water. She looks up and stares across the pond and at the darkness of the trees on the other side. If it was possible, she would rise up from the ground and dance across the water, the soft moonlight wrapping around her and lifting her up, dancing with her. But alas, she cannot. She closed her violet eyes and breathed in deeply, tasting the air. She relished the feeling of being alone in the stillness; the living stillness.

This beautiful creature was named Amaya, the daughter of the village leader and the most mysterious creature to step foot on Sidrain soil. Her mother had passed away not long after giving birth to her youngest sister, Aria. While her father lived out his last few years on earth, it was Amaya's responsibility as the eldest child to learn the ways of becoming the next leader of the village. She huffed in exasperation and tried to enjoy the quiet while she still could. Little did she know she wasn't alone, and there was a man crouching in the weeping willow just a few paces away from her.

The man in the tree was a warlock, a wizard, if you will. His birth name is unknown, but he called himself Shea. His eyes were like chunks of emerald surounded by white, with a dab of black in the centre. Shaggy red hair fell around his face and partly covered his eyes, held back by a Prussian blue ribbon to keep the worst of the fringe out of his line of vision. His skin was sun-kissed and his ears were slightly pointed. His pants were well-fitted at the waist yet loose at the legs. Shea's shirt was long sleeved and loose fitting. A long cloak, ratty brown cloak covered his shoulders and he only used it for warmth on cold nights.

It just so happened that this evening was one of those nights. He hugged the tattered fabric more tightly around his shoulders and shivered from the cold. His cheeks were dusted with a light pink blush. Whether it be from the cold or embarrassment, he didn't know. Shea watched over Amaya with a cold, blank stare. He needn't stay he for much longer, he figured, as Amaya began to stand up and brush the remaining bits of dried dead grass and dirt from her dress.

Still not knowing of the extra presence in the dense thickness of the woods, Amaya sighed and began to unbraid the now wilting flower from her hair and brush out the tangles and knots that had formed. It wasn't that hard to get untangled surprisingly after a long day of exploring. She knew her sisters were going to lecture her after spending the whole day in the forest, she was sure of that. Aria might cut her some slack, she had always been Amaya's favourite. She smiled to herself at the thought of her always smiling little sister as she finished cleaning herself up and turned around to return home.

The red haired man's fingers twitched, wanting to grab the dagger from its sheath and get the job done and over with, but he restrained himself. There was a time and place to do it, and that moment would be in one weeks time. Tomorrow, he decided, he would introduce himself to the villagers as a lost traveler. Yes, tomorrow it would all begin.

Answer 1

"As the sun set over the Sidra village, the villagers began to get ready for the coming nightfall and cold rain that would surely come later in the evening."

You don't have to say 'began to get ready' because it seems redundant. 'To get ready' is somewhat synonymous to start preparing, so to 'begin to get ready' sounds too wordy. 'Began to prepare' or something of the like would simplify things.



"Her china-white skin seemed to glow in the now rising moonlight, her body was thin and graceful."

Semi-colon or period should replace the comma.



Just my opinion: That whole first paragraph about the description of the woman, though the imagery was lovely, is a bit too much. I suggest that you don't give a full description of the character at once, but hint on it as the story progresses and as the reader learns more about the character's personality, not just her looks. For one, I personally feel that 'violet' eyes are a very common trait given to fictional characters in the fantasy realm, whether you look in actual novels or OCs in fanfictions. It doesn't seem very original. In fact, it may give the reader a bad first impression because purple eyes are a recurring trait for the dreaded Mary Sues.



I also suggest you take out the 'rather' when you're talking about the medieval dress.



Don't say 'She closed her violet eyes' if you already stated earlier that she had violet eyes. Again, redundancy. It gets tiring after a while.



I think that if you want the readers to have some sort of liking towards this Amaya person, you shouldn't give her entire life story up front in the very beginning. It gives the reader /very/ little time to grow close to the character or like her, and she has very little mystery left. Pasts tend to create the character's motivation, but motivation is more interesting to learn about when it isn't shoved at you in the very first chapter.



I personally love how you used 'Prussian blue' considering that everyone, including Crayola, calls it 'midnight blue.' xD



"as Amaya began to stand up and brush the remaining bits of dried dead grass and dirt from her dress."

Just write 'as Amaya stood up and (insert rest of sentence here).'



"Aria might cut her some slack, she had always been Amaya's favourite."

Semi-colon or period should replace comma.



Otherwise, your imagery is very good. Just be careful not to overdo it or else it becomes overwhelming. Happy writing.

Answer 2

Great start, I want to keep reading it. It did feel a bit descriptive for my taste. A quick

glance yielded seemingly positive results for spelling and punctuation.

Answer 3

this is a great start for your age, what are you fourteen! keep up the good work. if i were you i would go back and edit your story and not let all the facts out at once, meaning build suspence, but otherwise this is great! hope to read more later when they publish your story:)

Answer 4

As a writer.. I think it's great :)

I love it

Answer 5

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!