Is this a good query letter?

Question

This is my very first attempt at a query letter and I was wondering if it was any good. Feedback and ideas are welcome!


Dear Ms. Nelson,

I am writing because I found you on the website, “AgentQuery” and saw that you specialized in young adult, middle grade, and romance novels.

A wealthy business owner’s spoiled daughter’s life is turned upside down when her family is ruthlessly murdered by money hungry drug dealers out to capture and torture her into paying off her father’s debts.

Twenty year old Ryleigh Hughes is put in the protective hands of the handsome Marines Special Forces officer, twenty three year old Kaden Williams. The pair embarks on a journey to escape this merciless drug lord’s henchmen, traveling throughout the U.S. running into obstacle after obstacle always preventing them from reaching total safety. As Ryleigh and Kaden are forced to socialize almost exclusively between each other, they develop a deep trust with one another and discover a love that’s truer than anything they’ve ever known. But, when Ryleigh discovers a terrifying secret about who Kaden really is, will their love for each other prevail above all else? More importantly, will Ryleigh learn to trust Kaden again before it’s too late?

Pulse is my first novel.

My completed manuscript is readily available for review upon your request and I look forward to hearing back from you. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Best regards,

Amanda Wyman
[e-mail]

Answer 1

Not yet.



It's missing some basics and includes some goofs. The comma in the first line is a mistake and will count against you. Whoever screens Nelson's queries will now be on the alert for another mistake of any kind, and if she finds one, you're toast. Ouch, huh?



I disagree about whether agents care how you found them--if your method indicates professionalism and research, which AgentQuery doesn't. If you were writing to Ms. Nelson because she represents two of your favorite authors in your genre, Susie Creamcheese and Dorothy Cheddar, that tells her something about you. If you can't produce a writing-to-you-because paragraph that has a reason you've chosen her above all others, rather than "I found out you rep what I write," skip it.



The phrase "a wealthy business owner’s spoiled daughter’s life i turned upside down" is fairly ghastly. The beginning is quite awkward, then there's a cliche. Rewrite it. Be aware that there are some other ungainly phrasings in the letter, plus the use of passive voice when active is stronger and requires fewer words.



You need to get your title, genre, and word count, rounded to the closest 5,000, early.



Master when to hyphenate compound adjectives and when not to. Your fourth line contains that second error the screener was looking for, repeated in the fifth and the sixth lines. If you're lucky, they'll count that as one and keep reading. But are you lucky?



You have a misplaced modifying phrase in the third paragraph, in which you don't mean to say the henchmen arerunning around the US but that Ryleigh and Kaden are. Even if the screener forgives the compound adjective goofs, this one will probably put you on the Reject pile.



Make sure you give the gist of the actual story, specifics about what happens, rather than vague and ultimately empty phrases like "obstacle after obstacle" and "terrifying secret." While a query can withhold the ending, it's got to provide more detail than is present here.



Nobody cares if this is your first novel, so lose that.



I know, I know, this is not what you hoped to hear. Lots of writers find the query far harder than the novel you hope to sell, so don't let this discourage you. Just start over. It's one page, so a buttload of drafts won't take all that long.

Answer 2

I agree with Glissade that the first paragraph does nothing for the letter. The agent already knows what she reps, and noting that you found her on Agentquery isn't the sort of attention-grabbing thing you want to start your query. It's good that you did your agent research, but in this case, I think it's better to lead with the hook.



I also noted the cliche terms you used. "Life is turned upside down" jumped out at me in particular because it's in the hook line -- when you're trying to have that sentence stand on its own as a hook, keep any and all cliches and overworked phrases out of it. They stand out all the more in a short letter, or short paragraph.



I think my biggest stumbling point with the letter is that we don't know much about your hero and heroine! The plot sounds interesting, but without knowing what's unique about your main characters, I don't have much to grab onto. Inject some voice and character into the letter: is there a favorite phrase of Ryleigh's that you could use at some point? Is there something unique that Kaden does when he's guarding Ryleigh? It's those little interesting details that will make your novel stand out to an agent. Right now, I just don't feel enough sympathy for the characters to want to pick up the novel. But I think I might, if I knew a little bit more about *who* I was going to be reading about.



Also, don't forget to add your word count and genre! ("PULSE is a romantic suspense novel, complete at 75,000 words.")



Grammar notes: The characters' ages should be hyphenated -- "twenty-three-year-old Kaden Williams"



Same with "money-hungry," since you're using those two words as a compound adjective.



There should be a colon, not a comma, in your greeting.



I think "almost exclusively with each other" works better than "almost exclusively between each other."



Good luck with it!

Answer 3

Take out the first paragraph. The agent doesn't care how you found them or why you're writing to them: it is assumed that you found them through one of the thousands of sites or books that help you find agents, and it's pretty much understood that you're writing to them because they specialize in getting a book similar to what you've written published. This is unnecessary information and makes the first paragraph sound clunky. Take it out.



You need a hook to start off... your second paragraph almost works as a hook, but it's a little lengthy and not really intriguing enough to be a true hook... more like a very short synopses. Also, the phrase "life is turned upside down" is a little... formulaic. Because isn't that what most books tend towards? Some characters life being "turned upside down" in some way?



The third paragraph is... okay. It's not really *that* interesting sounding, and I think that's the fault of the synopses, not the book. The book sounds like it could be good. But the synopses is, once again, a little full of cliche terms. Like "embark on a journey", "a love that's truer then anything they've ever known" or "will their love for each other prevail above all else?". Those are terms I usually see amongst high school book reports, and all together, it doesn't really make your book stand out. It looks like just another romance novel... the only thing to kind of set it apart from other novels is the drug lord part, which you brush over in favor of talking about their deep love which (from the description used) sounds just like every other deep love shared by characters in a romance novel. Not unique. Especially the questions at the end... questions like "Will such and such thing happen?" are usually not good in a query.



Your query needs to have a strong voice to set it apart.



Also, you're a *tad* too effusive (in my opinion) with the final paragraph. Kind of nitpicky, but I would cut the "very" in "thank you very much". Combined with the "I look forward to hearing from you" (which itself might not be so good) makes you seem a little... desperate? I think that's the word I'm looking for. Which, okay, yeah, pretty much everybody who is trying to get published IS a little desperate... but still. Might want to dial it back a bit.

Answer 4

Amanda,



It sounds good, but I agree about taking out the first paragraph. Also, you need to tell the agent the word count, which is found by multiplying the number of pages times 250. So, 300 pages X 250 words per page would be: 75,000 words. I use MS-Words word count. You also need to tell the agent that there are no other query letters and is not currently under any representation by another agent or publisher. Let the agent know that it's formatted in "Industry Standard Format" and is double spaced in either Times New Roman or Courier New font type.



Here's one of mine:



I'm querying your agency in attempts to gain representation for my novel, Name Here, which currently has no representation by any other agent or publisher.



My manuscript has a word count of approximately 88,000 words and is of the horror genre. It's formatted in Industry Standard Format in Times New Roman font, and has been self edited twice.



Notice how I put the novel name (Name Here) I didn't use it of course, in my first paragraph.



Make sure you Name, Address, Tel No., Email Addy are at the top of the page and centered in a bigger font. I use email to send my queries if the agent allows. If you use snail mail, make sure you also include a self addressed stamped envelope (SASE), or you won't get a reply.



Good luck.



PJ M

Answer 5

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