Help me, and rate this story that i am writing.(teen love)?

Question

Introduction?

Being in love was what all off us wanted, until it hits us too fast and we aren’t prepared. That’s what happened to me my sophomore year, falling in love with a guy … he was what a girl like me always wanted, someone strong, fun to be with and well, cute. He wasn’t like all the other guys around school; he was something different, something new. He was a guy nobody ever noticed, until I noticed him, Tomas Clayey.
Chapter one

All I could think about was tomorrow, being a new sophomore in high school. Witnessing more and more break-ups too. I’ve been hoping this year, that it will be the year that I will fall in love. So I decided this would be the year I would actually search for a boyfriend. My friends said I shouldn’t go around looking for the right guy, but I am still going to do so.
Tomorrow is the first day of my sophomore year, the first year that I am able to drive to school and the first year that I will be able to go to prom if my parents will allow me to do so.
My alarm clock buzzed and the bright neon lights read 5:00 a.m., I jumped out of bed and threw on my purple strapless shirt, my new skinny-leg jeans, and my plaid purse, my white pumps, and straitened my hair. Now, I am running late because it is 6:30 and I was suppose to pick up my friends 15 minutes ago. I am picking up my friends in my yellow 1973 Volkswagen bug, my spatiality. Do to the fact that it is my only and first car. We have to be at the school by 7:15. So then I can get a ticket to park my car in the school’s parking lot. Then school would sadly start at 7:30.
“Kathleen! Get your butt out of that house and come on! Its time to go! We still have to go pick up Brianna!” Wow, I thought, I hate yelling out of the window of my car.
“Hey girl can you believe its school time already?” Kathleen asked as she got in the car.
But I didn’t say anything as I was trying to concentrate on the road and my speedometer, so I wouldn’t speed.
But as I pulled up to Brianna’s house I saw her standing outside tapping her watch, I knew she didn’t like to wait but she’ll live. Brianna got in the front seat in the car and nobody said a word on the way to school, which was totally boring.
I pulled into the parking lot and parked in the second section. As I got out of the car, since we had finally reached the school. My brother Evan just had to pull in right beside me and scare the heck out of me. Then he cut his motor got out of his car and walked over to Kathleen and kissed her, right in front of me.
“Get a room!” I yelled.
“Oh sorry sis. I thought you liked all this mushy love stuff. But now we can’t talk about this because I have to get to class so I cant yapp with you about it right now.” “Oh, and don’t forget to get a parking ticket!” he yelled as he jogged away to meet his friends.
“Dang” I knew I forgot something, I thought.
Kathleen and Brianna pushed me all the way up the stairs to the office so I could retrieve my parking ticket. As we walked to our lockers which were up stairs on the second floor, they stopped and said” I heard there was a new guy in town.”
But I was standing there wandering why they were telling me this, but then it hit me, they new I was still looking for the right guy.
I’m the only one in my friend group who didn’t have a boyfriend, since, Kathleen is going out with my brother Evan and Brianna is going out with a Freshman named Joe. But I just started walking to my locker again. I forgot it was so close to the place where we had stopped to gossip.
But that’s when I saw this guy walk up to the locker beside me! He was so… fine; I couldn’t help but stare, until Kathleen punched me in the arm. That’s when I realized that he was totally staring back at me; this hottie was actually staring at me! He held out his hand after he ran his hand through his hair “Hey, I’m Tomas Clayey.”
That’s when I think my jaw dropped. I couldn’t say anything for a second, or two so Kathleen pushed me out of the way and smiled her perfect innocent smile and said “Hey, I’m Kathleen, this is Rosemary and this is Brianna.”
I was so embarrassed, I felt my face redden .Now I knew this guy would never like me. That’s when he walked away. I excused myself from my friends and told them I was going to go apologize to Tomas for not introducing myself correctly. They surprised me by letting me go. I left Kathleen and Brianna by their lockers while I went to apologize to the new guy. “Hey! Tomas wait up!” I walked quickly to try and catch up with him. He walks faster than a car going twenty miles per hour, I thought.
He turned around and looked at me for a second and stood there waiting for me to catch up to him. As I finally caught up to him I said, “I’m sorry for not introducing myself, I am Rosemary Lee.”
“Oh hey, that’s alright.” He said. “I didn’t mind.”

Answer 1

I'd say three. It's written well in some places but it's trash in other places. You cannot - I repeat you cannot - use colloquial (posh term for slang) in a story! "Do u Guys..." Again, no! Just no! Your dialogue isn't very believable either. You're telling us what is happening, not showing us. Your grammar is an absolute disgrace; missing commas, full stops, capitals etc. Your use of words in many places is wrong. E.g. “Your right but, I’m not hungry since Evan isn’t here right now.” It should be "YOU'RE right but (no comma here) I'm not hungry (comma should go here instead), since Evan isn't here right now." Your sentences don't flow properly either. It wasn't very interesting to read; I kind of skipped to the end after the first few sentences.



'Ok um this is all i have written write now.' Are you seriously considering becoming a writer? You used the wrong form of right in that sentence.



EDIT (to your most recent additional details): I can't give you any pros because honestly, there isn't any. There's too many cons to be any pros. As to the second part, don't be surprised there's not readers. It's too boring to read. You need to revise is ... MAJORLY ... and possibly think about reading some more. Readers are writers. Pure and simple.

Answer 2

This is not a very good story. Right off the bat, you have a lot of grammatical errors.



On top of that, you have a lot of plot errors; and by plot errors I mean where the hell is the plot.



This story is bad and you should feel bad for writing it.



Also I rate this story, I rate this story, on a scale of one to ten, I give it moose.

Answer 3

u dont could desire to, its super, only please, please, PLEASE write greater and submit it as a quetion on YAHOO! solutions PLEASE! 5 stars out of five or 10 out of 10!!!!! only watch your tenses, nonetheless.